This week marks Katie Couric's last at the Today show, meaning that as of 8 AM this morning, you have approximately a mere 9 HOURS LEFT with AMERICA'S SWEETHEART. Prepare to bury yourself in snot-stained kleenex: the world's longest farewell parade has come down to just a matter of days, all of which have been marked by video tribute clips from Couric's A-list fans. Last week we saw the likes of Tim Russert and Dakota Fanning express their fandom (providing the latter with an invaluable opportunity to crookedly mug and twitter in a cunning play to nab the role of America's next cloying sweetheart); this week ups the drama with Couric's more fancy fans singing her praises. Senator Hillary Clinton was just featured, remarking on the woes of powerful women and their ever-changing hair and adding, "You've taken us to the Olympics, and you've taken us to your colon. Not many people can say that." And thank God.

• After Paris Hilton's new BFF Brandon Davis hurled an a-bomb of videotaped insults at Lindsay Lohan (who, if you recall, has freckles coming out of her vagina), Lohan exacts revenge by using her tongue to massage the tonsils of Paris' ex, Starvos Niarchos. [Page Six]
• Now that Couric is leaving the Today show, publishers are hungry for her unauthorized biography. Ed Klein is foaming at the mouth. [R&M]
• Meanwhile, not content to be left in the morning show dust, Diane Sawyer makes a subtle, attorney-driven play for the World News Tonight desk. [Page Six]
• Brett Ratner would love to photograph nude women, particularly Lindsay Lohan's 7-foot-long clitoris. [Lowdown]
• Authorities have decided to prosecute "other" Baldwin brother Daniel on cocaine charges. He faces 18 months in jail and, for once, people knowing his name. [CourtTV]
• Jessica Simpson insists that she didn't fire her best friend/assistant CaCee Cobb. She fired a two-timing skank who wouldn't stop being friendly with Nick Lachey. [IMDb]

During yesterday's upfronts presentation from CBS, the advertisers and press got an interesting treat: Les Moonves brought out his incoming news anchor, Katie Couric. On her Times blog, Virginia Heffernan writes of Couric's brief appearance:

• Oprah's sorority sister Gayle King is angling for Star Jones' spot on The View, but her friendship with Jones makes it hard for King to execute a campaign. Is this really a difficult choice? Or is Gayle just stupid? [R&M]
• Ted Casablancas introduces the world's most thinly veiled blind item ever. The use of Morgan makes it even more impressive. [Awful Truth]
• Katie Couric nets an impressive $115K to speak about herself at the University of Oklahoma's graduation ceremony. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Don't get too excited for the upcoming Guns n' Roses shows at Hammerstein. Axl Rose didn't even show up at a rehearsal attended by Sebastian Bach — what makes you think he'll appear for little old you? [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton is thrilled to promote her new video game, even if she has no fucking clue what it's called. At least she got her name right. [AP]
• O.J. Simpson proves that it's actually possible to be less funny than Ashton Kutcher. [Page Six]
• Ashlee Simpson won't talk about her rumored nose job. The work speaks for itself. [IMDb]
• And just because it's Friday: we cannot stop looking at the hypnotizing monstrosity of Uma Thurman's breasts. [Yeeeah]

• The UK Observer argues that Rolling Stone is once again the anti-establishment bible, "giving a new lease of life" to editor/publisher Jann Wenner. If so, could the mag once and for all stop pretending it has anything to do with music? Just cut that painful shit loose, please. [Observer UK]
• NB to Tom Cruise: Never, ever publish another piece of writing. And pity the poor soul who had to edit you — we'd rather eat our own scabs. [Time]
• Today David Blaine begins his fishbowl stunt, in which he finds an excuse to subject us to his shirtless torso for one full week. [Gothamist]
• It's wonderflack Jonathan Cheban's dewy MySpace profile! He's actually friends with Lindsay Lohan, which means he can read her MySpace blog entries. Color us jealous. [MySpace]
• Work at Men's Journal? Have a lunch tomorrow with Anderson Cooper? Don't know what to ask him? Then turn to your equally dumbfounded friends at Williamsboard for suggested topics. [Williamsboard]
• Thanks, we think, to a quick rhinoplasty, Ashlee Simpson's nose finally matches that of her sister Jessica. [Cityrag]
• Katie Couric has finally found her Hamptons refuge: a 5,000-square-foot Southampton McMansion. Anyone know the broker? We'd love to see some pics. [NYP]
• Additionally on the matter of brokers, Brownstoner launches Brokerate.com, a simple site where you can rate your experience with the realtors who make your life miserable. [Brokerate]
• Women's fashion mags lead to heartbreak, insecurity, and death. But at least you'll stop eating and be thin. [Coutorture]

For once, we actually missed a moment of the Today show yesterday, specifically the moment in which Katie Couric grilled Harvard sophomore Kaavya Viswanathan about the numerous passages in her book that seem to be plagiarized from the novels of Megan McCafferty. Couric busted out her angry-mom tone, asking Viswanathan how her parents must feel and criticizing her for thinking an apology might make this go away. Towards the end of the bitch-slappery, Couric mentioned Viswanathan's leave from Harvard and possible expulsion then asked, "Why did you want to come to the Today show?" "To tell the truth," responded Viswanathan. Couric's perky rage was visible.

And just now, on live television, she noted that it looked like a "portobello mushroom." For tomorrow's special spring cooking segment, she'll grill it with a little olive oil and serve it on a whole wheat bun as a delicious, vegetarian alternative to the kobe-uterus burger.

How wonderful to be a faculty member at the University of Florida — you're actually paid to examine the intricacies of the Today Show (and here we are, just staring at the figure-flattering swimsuit segment, not making a dime). A recent study released by one such faculty member found that CBS-bound Katie Couric actually did less fluff reporting than her co-host Matt Lauer. In an of analysis over 700 stories, Couric only covered 37% of the show's entertainment segments, compared to Lauer, who covered 41%. (To be fair, one "glib" interview with Tom Cruise is worth at least an extra 3% in Lauer's column.)

• If you do only one productive thing today, you must, MUST go by our brother Defamer and see his footage of Tom Cruise's BlackBerry exchange with Katie Holmes during his Primetime interview. Diane Sawyer told him the camera was off, but whoops — she caught those lovebirds using emoticons! Well done, D, and major props to the cameraman who zoomed in on the 'Berry. [Defamer]
• Andrew Hearst is back to playing with Quark; Uterus Weekly is his latest masterpiece, which counts Jennifer Aniston's empty womb as a cover story. [Panopticist]
• Didn't we already tell you that Ron Burkle was having a party for the Clintons? Yeah, we did, which means you've had plenty of time to save up the grand it costs to get in. [Deadline Hollywood]
• Braden Keil over at the Post reports that Katie Couric is looking to buy in the Hamptons for around $6 or $7 million. A quick search for $6 million gems in East Hampton turns up this unfortunate beast. Perfect, she'll take it. [NYP / Corcoran]
• Is the Times trying to kill feminism with bottles of peroxide and books about binge drinking? [Broadsheet]
• A community stake-out on Shake Shack helps burger lovers time their visits. [ShackWatchers]
• To reiterate: ambisexual magalog Cargo is dead. Your subscription bill, however, lives on. [Big and Sharp]

• Page Six traffics in buzz, apparently. [NYT]
• Uncle Bob Schieffer might stick around to do end-of-show commentaries on Couric-led CBS Evening News. And also to show off his legs, of course. [Philadelphia Inquirer]
• Breaking: Daily News distributes sponsored copies! [NYT]
• It's hard to be a teen magazine. [Mediaweek]
• Real Simple loses two top editors; Details's Dan Peres tucks in. [WWD]

As we watch Katie Couric bounce and giggle her way through the Today Show, we're having an increasingly difficult time picturing Her Royal Perkiness anchoring the CBS Evening News. We have to wonder, will the new gig even last? You tell us.

• CBS Evening News' current anchor Bob Schieffer takes his replacement, Katie Couric, to a very public lunch at Michael's. Nothing like a publicly staged lovefest to hide the violent animosity. [Lowdown]
• A New York call girl has penned a tell-all (of course), in which she tells of "crack-fuelled," kinky sex with West Wing creator Aaron Sorkin (of course). [Page Six]
• An anonymous friend worries that rapper Eminem may try to hurt himself. Better that than his estranged wife, we guess? [Media Takeout]
• Famed fabulist James Frey emerges from hiding just long enough to donate a batch of signed copies of A Million Little Pieces for an ASPCA auction to raise money for a Louisiana shelter. Aw, now those poor puppies will never survive. [Page Six]
• Actor Dennis Hopper admits that he voted for Bush, and yet he still prances about lower Manhattan, relatively unharmed. [R&M (2nd item)]

Now that it's been a good week since Katie Couric and Meredith Vieira announced their respective farewells, we've moved past the teary hysterics and can finally take a logical look at the situation. Thinking clearly, we realize that Katie's departure and Meredith's move to the Today Show really won't be that big of a deal — as a handy video from Comedy Central shows, the two women are the exact same person.

• Uber-indie couple and overly cutesy NYC fixtures Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal are engaged and expecting a little bundle of diaper-shitting joy. We're praying they'll name the baby something like Jaane or Briaan. [AP]
• Child and family services pays a visit to Britney Spears and baby Sean Federline. You are not in any way surprised by this. [TMZ]
• Having finally crystallized his theory that Katie Couric is a robot, Simon Dumenco imagines CBS executives' plans for reprogramming the perky machine. [AdAge]
• While Page Sixers revel in freebies, Rush and Molloy just say no. [Deadline Hollywood]
• You didn't expect the Page Six scandal to pass without Joel Stein throwing in his two cents, did you? Of course not. And he's going to shake down the president of pomegranate juice while he's at it. [LAT]

Katie Couric's deal at CBS may have her making $60,000 per day, but that doesn't mean she can throw her money around — she's got two daughters and hundreds of stilletos to provide for. Couric has no choice but to keep a strict budget, as a reader working with an uptown nanny farm learns:

• Celebrity Living notwithstanding, of course. [WWD]
• Times crossword calls a scoundrel a "scumbag," and readers are incensed. Naturally. [Slate]
• Katie decided to move to CBS because her daughters said she should. [NYT]
• But the Couric girls' advice causes biz challenges for both nets. [WSJ]
• Which is just as well for Jim Romenesko, who's sort of obsessed with her. [Media Mob/NYO]

We're sitting here, watching the View and listening to Meredith Vieira talk about Katie Couric's move to CBS, when our ears perk up at the sound of Barbara Walters abruptly switching to her soft-and-sensitive voice: "And after the break, some news of our own."

Just 25 hours since Today Show host Katie Couric announced her departure for the CBS evening news anchor chair, and producers are already pulling out the subtle stops. In the touristy crowd outside of Rockefeller Center, a handmade sign has been placed in the hands of an unsuspecting child. It reads, "Katie! I will miss you when you go to CBS! Good Luck!"

(Sorry about the sound issues, though to hear Couric break the news in a robot voice does seem strangely appropriate.)

• Yesterday's American Media bloodletting will cut the mag publisher's workforce by 9 percent. [WWD]
• And will save the company about $10 million. [NYP]
• With Katie Couric heading to CBS, NBC is days away from a deal to bring Meredith Vieira to fill her clickety stiletto heels. [NYT]
• Gabe Sherman agrees: Times Discovery Channel might be on its way out. Plus Hearst in the new tower, Lapham at Michael's, and Raines at Harvard. [NYO]
• The New York Times has finally done something to make Jack Shafer happy. So now he'll cancel his subscription. [Slate]
• The Week names Nick Kristof Columnist of the Year. We imagine Andrea Peyser is devastated. [E&P]