Last week, entertainment "news" show Access Hollywood reported on its website that incoming CBS evening dominatrix Katie Couric told Access that "she would not venture into the Middle East hot spot," noting that she's a single parent with two children. As talking heads want nothing more than for the viewing public to believe that they are capable of "reporting," this sort of sentiment does not bode well for a network news anchor. But shortly after their story created a stir, Access conceded that the quote had been taken out of context (it was from a May 30 interview and in regards to injured CBS correspondent Kimberly Dozier). The website thus updated their story with Couric's most recent comments on the Middle East, in which she said she would "want to be there."

• Graydon Carter reveals mission statement: "Any criticism of me is absolutely ridiculous." [NYP]
• Katie Couric doesn't need to go to Iraq just to impress you. That's the president's job. [AH]
• Remember that crazy uncle who knew more about obscure Scottish watch-making techniques of the 1880s than anyone else in the world? Remember how he'd always buttonhole you at family gatherings, talking about lathes? Well, Greg Lindsay's kind of like that, except with airports. [FC]

In an attempt to show Seth Mnookin that he is too a serious journalist, Jon Friedman takes on the most important issue facing media today: Katie Couric. Specifically, her recent listening tour. As it turns out, it wasn't exactly the serious news event that we all thought. No, says Jon, it was actually an opportunity "for CBS and Couric to get a ton of fluffy publicity while controlling the flow of information and the tone of the coverage." See, while you or I perceived Katie visiting kids in cancer wards or telling the people of Seattle about the cleanliness of her colon as a public rethinking of the newsanchor's role in modern journalism, Jon dug deep into the story and teased out the truth: It was all about Katie.

• Katie Couric's inevitable reign of evening news terror will not be limited to the television; CBS will be broadcasting on the radio and web, as well. You can't hide; her legs are gonna be spread all over the place. [NYT]
• Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro are splitting. That makes it official: reality television destroys your marriage and ensures that no one will give a shit when it happens. [Star]
• As a sex writer, you get to write about dildos and butt plugs. Plus, you get to keep whatever you try. Like swag, but with orgasms. [Craigslist]
• With the world rapidly approaching some sort of nuclear apocalypse, you can't help but miss Monica Lewinsky. [HuffPo Contagious Fest]
• Just because your mom was one of Union Square's most loyal drunkards doesn't mean you can't go to MIT. Hell, with a life story like that, you're guaranteed a winning application essay. [NYS]
• Remember Richard Nouveau and the nonexistant J-Date hoax wherein he claimed to have duped several girls into meeting him at Fat Baby? Well, the prank was a fake, but the guy and his publication, Pocket Change, are annoyingly real. [NYP]
• We swear to God, we did not post this on Craigslist. We'd only use BigMuscle. [Craigslist]
• Has Clay Aiken found a new man? And if so, did he find him in a Mystic Tan booth? [Faded Youth]
• ConEd swears they're able to handle the heat wave, lest we all spend our days swimming in ass soup. Which is still a distinct possibility. [NYB]
• Jann's looking for a new bitch. Matt Nye is just tired, ya know? [Mediabistro]

The woman is supposed to be on her goddamn vacation, but Katie Couric is completely incapable of laying low for a single second. Yesterday in Clearwater, FL she kicked off the first stop of her six-city "listening tour," in which she'll remove a layer of mascara and "get real" with "the people" before she starts her new gig oiling her limbs on CBS. While she's out and about, Couric's also raising a little cash for colon cancer research, but primarily she's there to listen to people in the hinterland talk about the issues that matter to them. For Couric, it's a learning experience — and her listening skills, rest assured, are top notch:

This week, Forbes.com's presenile media columnist James Brady takes us to the Core Club for a casual schmoozefest in honor of Katie Couric, thrown by Hearst president Cathie Black and editorial director Ellen Levine. With a nose for news, Brady cruises the scene, gathering important information like Couric's new sleep schedule (she stays in bed until 8 AM nowadays — good to know).

• Katie Couric to narrate PBS docu on Walter Cronkite. No one ever said she's not clever. [B&C]
• Why does Bush likes to pick on the Times? Because of the Jews, of course. [SFChron]
• The New Yorker rock critic Sasha Frere-Jones wants to be a rocker, too. [LAWeekly]
• September VF will focus on fashion, be as fat as Vogue. [WWD]

• So it really looks like De Niro and pals will buy the Observer. And Kurt Andersen — like Peter Kaplan — is just thrilled about it. [NYM]
• Michael Eisner pisses off Pat Robertson by having the rightwing preacher on his CNBC show, challenges him on gay rights, whether Jews can get into heaven, and whether it was in fact a good idea to have advocated the assassination of Hugo Chavez. For the first time perhaps ever, we're kind of liking Eisner right now. [NYP]
• NBC honcho Jeff Zucker says he's not worried about Today without Katie, or about Brian Williams competing with her. He also says he's thrilled with NBC's primetime performance, positive the stock market is going up up up, and confident that the Iraq insurgency is in its last throes. [USAT]

• Ted Turner sells his memoir for $4.5 million; David Carr sells his for $300k. [NYP]
• You shall bow before Katie and Anderson, because they are royalty. [National Journal]
• Brad is Esquire's October cover. Brad doesn't want to talk about whether he cheated on Jen. Did Esquire agree to restrictions? [WWD]

• In honor of the devil's big day, Maxim declares that as Satan, Katie Couric deserves to be their girl of the day. [Maxim]
• Maybe we're just slaphappy — no, we're definitely just slaphappy — but we cannot stop laughing at this stupid video. You know some lonely little gay is so in love with Anna Wintour that he spent an entire week locked in his parents' basement, creating this homage for the one he loves. It's sad and completely hysterical. [YouTube]
• If you want to smoke outside on the Maritime's patio, you must be sitting down. No standing — your lungs can't handle the strain. [HotelChatter]
• The Bulgarian Bar is back! Re-opening party to be hosted by Ariel Kaminer! [Gogol Bordello]
• The Wall Street Journal declares Philly home of the cheesecake. [Philadelphia Will Do]
• When MySpace wrongs you, upload hardcore pornography. [Consumerist]
• You don't want to know this, but the truth will set you free: Janice Dickinson spent three days in a hotel room fucking Dolph Lundgren and Grace Slick. OK, we lied. The truth will just make you a little sick. [Cityrag]
• Tricia Romano crawls deep inside Mr. Black's ass. [VV]
• And don't forget, today is the National Day of Slayer. Celebrate by rocking the fuck out with the angel of death. [NDS]

In an interview with 60 Minutes correspondent Lesley Stahl, incoming CBS anchor Katie Couric pondered the minutae of her new job:

• We really don't want today to end, if only so that everyone can continue to hyper-analyze Katie Couric's insane farewell on the Today show. [BWE]
• A new theory on Brangelina: did she have a C-Section because she didn't want to give baby Shiloh herpes? And did she give herpes to Brad Pitt? Was that how Jen Aniston found out he was cheating? Could we be any more stupid about this whole thing? [OhNoTheyDidn't]
• Martha Stewart puts her Westport, CT home up for sale for a mere $8.9 million. But you'll have to pay extra to have that hideous wallpaper removed. [FishbowlNY]
• In the soft underbellies of New York's hipster havens, there are at least 3 people who don't drink. Granted, you won't see these folks on the Cobrasnake — but dammit, they're out there. [VV]
• Give K-Fed a shower and a comb, and he could be dominating the halls of Goldman Sachs. [Us Weekly]
• Memoirist Augusten Burroughs indulges the girls at Jane with a message board Q&A, wherein we learn that he doesn't know how to spell per se. Not that we should talk, but then again, we have a lot less money and a much bigger chip on our shoulders. [Jane]
• With all these celebrity babies being spit out left and right, a career in child therapy — especially with a Beverly Hills practice — may prove to be very lucrative. [The Letter D]
• During its last launch, Radar housed its visiting web designers at the opulent Hotel Carter. This time around, maybe the Chinatown Best Western? [Flickr]
• Presented without comment, a Vincent Gallo blog. Oh hell, we can't not comment — it's really creepy. [I Blew Vincent Gallo]

• Anna Wintour and Patrick McCarthy don't like each other. Also, Rick Stengel doesn't plan big changes at Time and "greenies" die at post-Siegal Times. [NYO]
• Star gets sex wrong on Brangelina and Gwen Stefani babies, plans no corrections, because, as we read it, at least they got other stuff right. [WWD (second item)]
• Storm Field has only the nation's second-best weatherman name, and Sam Champion merely comes in fifth. [TMN]
• Katie Couric will have to spend $30K on new clothes for her CBS gig, experts say. Proportionally, that's like someone making $100K spending $200 on work clothes. [NYSun]
• Not at all uncharacteristically, a top exec is axed from NYDN. [NYP]
• Chicks dig TV news. [NYO]
• Former Rolling Stone publisher goes to Maxim, replacing dude who took his job at RS. [Ad Age]

Linked from the Times homepage this morning:

9:05 On this weepy morning of mornings, we've had plenty of colon cancer coverage — but now it's time for the real deal, the softly lit interview with Couric talking about her late husband, Jay Monahan, who died in 1998. Be careful, everyone: now that Katie's leaving her Today show platform, there's a good chance we'll all eventually need chemo.

AdAge reports today that Katie Couric's goodbye isn't just massaging her ego; it's also giving a healthy rub and a happy ending to NBC, which has more than doubled its ad rates for today's episode of the Today show. 30 seconds of air time went for $110K, with the network selling off the last of its available space sometime last week.

Pull the tissue out of your bras and ready it somewhere near to your eyes: today, May 31, is Katie Couric's last day at the Today show. And by God, if they don't make you dry heave with sobs, some clip reel editor is going to lose a testicle. As of right now, they're running testimonials from 9-11 and Columbine victims who were touched by Katie's sensitivity during their old Today interviews; Couric is tearing as The Way We Were unabashedly plays in the background. Sarah McLachlan can't be far behind. Actually, no — it's just Kristin Chenowith is warbling about how she's been "changed for good." Music from Wicked? Subtle.

Hilarious. Let's just hope they keep Lauer far away from the CBS studios on election night.

We were in error yesterday when, at 8 AM, we noted that Katie Couric's time at the Today show had come down to a mere 9 hours. Perhaps it was wishful thinking, or maybe just the increasingly convulsive fanfare with which NBC is sending her off, but Couric's last day is not May 26 (though once, in a simpler time, it was supposed to all end there). Her final moments on Today will be on May 31 and, unlike her regular 2-hour hosting slot, her last day will be a 3-hour, "lift ev'ry voice and sing"-esque extravaganza.