Singer/songwriter/guitar-hero John Mayer, known in the Valley for his onstage appearances with Steve Jobs to demo Apple's GarageBand software, isn't living up (or down) to his onstage claims that he spends a lot of time alone in his bedroom — you know, with his guitar. Gossip rags report that Jobs's musician buddy was seen shnozzing with both Shrek voice actress Cameron Diaz and Friday Night Lights star Minka Kelly on separate dates over the weekend. We can only surmise that Jobs's reality distortion field works on actresses, too.

Feast your eyes on John Mayer's customized Blackberry Curve. Rock stars, man. They really take it all the way to the edge. [John Mayer]

The date: September 11, 12:45am
The place: 117 MacDougal Street
Sighted: John Mayer at Comedy Cellar helping his buddy who was bombing.

They started dating last summer, and broke up this May. And now we hear that residents of John Mayer's building were treated to the sight of Jessica Simpson taking a morning ride of shame down the elevator this weekend. Whoa! Is this John Mayer's I'm-turning-30-next-month freak-out? Is this Jessica Simpson's latest manifestation of self-hatred? Is she going to get all chunky and brunette again? Why won't someone keep them from rekindling this terribly annoying liaison?

• Rich ladies are miffed that social-lites Olivia Palermo and Tinsley Mortimer, who were supposed to host that Darfur benefit Josh and Nikola dragged themselves to, were no-shows. "We think the only people who truly suffered from their selfish no-shows are the poor citizens of war-torn Darfur," one organizer hissed to Page Six. Seriously, talk about adding insult to injury. [Page Six]
  

• Lindsay Lohan gets booked, released on bail yesterday for her DUI. [TMZ]
  

Last week, PR man Ken Sunshine went on Anderson Cooper's little house of 360 right after Larry King's interview of Paris Hilton to help dissect it all. Sunshine was an interesting choice for the program, since Paris Hilton is just the kind of client Sunshine seems to avoid!

• John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are still having breakup sex. [Page Six]
  

Is one of Time's 100 Most Influential people operating under the influence, and, more offensively, playing games with photographers' hearts?

• John Mayer is a badass alternative rebel. "On Tuesday, he stayed true to his laid-back stance and popped open two top buttons on his shirt. The message to fashion observers? 'This says, I'll play your game only so far,' he quipped." [WWD]
  

Tourists and teenagers outside the Time Warner Center last night clutched digital cameras, all hoping to get their very own photograph of John Mayer or America Ferrara as they arrived to celebrate the Time 100—the Most Influential People in the World! (One assumed that crowd was less interested in arrivals such as Dr. Henry Kissinger.) Inside, the scene was more of the same: dozens of professional photographers jockeying for position, a crowd of onlookers. It seemed appropriate that the Time Warner Center is just a big mall. The scene could have been one that gets played out in Tallahassee and Des Moines and Houston every time Miss USA comes to town. We took tourist-photos too, with Nikola Tamindzic, who has even more.

One of the stranger things we've come across in quite some time is this blog that John Mayer runs on Honeyee.com, some sort of Lower East Side-Japanese-product shilling site (might have something to do with Nike? We dunno! Confusion!). Anyway, his most recent post reproduces an analysis of the media called "Media Fear Tactics," written by "threat assessment" consultant Gavin de Becker, who wrote that book The Gift of Fear. Okay, now we're scared! Also, John Mayer probably hates celebrity tabloids. Just a hunch.

We admit it, we deliberately trawled through the new Interview in hopes that we'd find a letter even stupider than last month's disaster. Guess what? We found one! Even better, this one comes "VIA the internet," so you know it's extra stupid. At some point we'd like to host a gathering composed solely of people who get their letters published in Interview but we worry that they might have a hard time finding their way to the venue. Or dressing themselves beforehand. Click to englarge.

As you probably recall, the last time "Your Body Is a Wonderland" crooner John Mayer attempted stand-up comedy, things didn't go so well. And since that abortive performance, the climate's gotten, well, maybe a teeny bit less receptive to stand-up comedians with a tendency to drop the "nigger" word, as Mayer did at his last visit to the Comedy Cellar. However, even though we hate his date-rapey singing voice, Mayer has since endeared himself to us a little bit with that whole "Don't believe the [Simpson-manufactured] hype" thing. So when a tipster reported having seen Mayer's comedic stylings last night, we were intrigued. Maybe he was funny this time! We kind of liked where he was going with that whole "women are sluts" thing, you know? Could he redeem himself and rack up some laffs?

• Why does Suri Cruise look so freaking weird? Because she's everyone's baby, a child of the whole wide world. Makes you feel fuzzy, don't it? [Defamer]
• Jessica Simpson and John Mayer aren't a couple, and that might have something to do with his relationship requirements: lots and lots of phone sex. It helps if your name is Misty. [RS]
• Total Eclipse of the Heart causes Belgians' eardrums to explode. The song is just that good. [Consumerist]
• For NYU students: how to fuck up your suicide attempt. [Wikihow]
• The Corcodevil is going for $50 off — now you only have to fork over $150 to look Satan in the eye and ask why you've been forced to buy in Bushwick. [NYT]
• Only 21% of reviews were hot for Katie Couric's first newscast. Let's see what she wears tonight, shall we? [Journalism]

• Are Jessica Simpson and John Mayer dating? Is Jessica's body a wonderland? Do daughters become lovers become mothers? Some other crappy innuendo-joke-laden John Mayer lyric? [People]
• Meanwhile, Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo appear to be getting more serious about their relationship. Individually, they remain ridiculous. [Page Six]
• Brian Williams and Katie Couric have a competition to see who can have the biggest billboard. We can't wait to see who cares? [Page Six]
• Michael Lohan offers a detailed analysis of his prison-made editorial cartoon. That's funny enough. [Lowdown]
• Rush and Malloy say "The laughter has definitely gone out of Joe Piscopo's marriage now that the former Saturday Night Live star and wife Kimberly are divorcing." We say "Joe Piscopo was never funny." [R&M]
• "Rosie Drops Some pre-View Details." Retains all pre-View pounds. [TMZ]

• Jesus lives and saves us all: Star Jones is reportedly announcing her departure from The View, preferring instead to continue her rapid shrinking in the privacy of her own home. If we're lucky, her on-air farewell will be the exact opposite of Katie Couric's: hilarious and laced with blood. [Access Hollywood]
• Producer Dallas Austin has now been in a Dubai prison for one month for trying to bring drugs into the country for Naomi Campbell's birthday party; Campbell has yet to forgive him for ruining her big day. [MTV]
• A sneak peek at a former Playboy Bunny's tell-all, plus her requisite cleavage. [Hollywood Interrupted]
• Best Week Ever comedian Sherrod Small slams the John Mayer report, insists that the musician's use of the n-word was funny. [BWE]
• Extremely loud and incredibly derivative. [The Velvet Blog]
• One block of 103rd Street is renamed Humphrey Bogart Place in honor of the actor's childhood home. Not that it makes the locale any more appealing. [Cinematical]
• Unintentional hilarity: Laura Ingraham as the next Jon Stewart? It's a pilot we'd gleefully kill to get our hands on. [TV Newser]
• Overheard in NY gets its own stalker map. [Overplot]
• Kudos to the generous Daily News editors who allowed Ben Widdicombe to out both Anderson Cooper and Shep Smith in one fell swoop. [Gatecrasher]
• Hipster Swiss Army knives, crafted especially for Bedford Avenue stabbings. [Consumerist]
• Does Us Weekly have a problem with Britney Spears? Is People coddling her? And at what point will we all collectively agree to just look the fuck away? [Media Orchard]

On Friday night, singer/songwriter John Mayer abandoned his lonely-chick rock persona for a moment and tried his hand at stand-up comedy. The singer went on as a special guest at the Comedy Cellar, where one blogger noted that he seemed "drunk or stoned, maybe both." Excellent! Some lessons learned from Mayer on the mic: