• Actress Jessica Alba married Cash Warren, father to the daughter she is set to give birth to this summer. The couple met on the set of Fantastic Four, where he was a director's assistant. [Rush & Molloy]

Tabloid wars! When it comes to covering the stunt relationship between “bored” John Mayer and “clingy” Jennifer Aniston, two New York gossip columns have found themselves at odds over how well-behaved Mayer was over the weekend. The NY Post claims Mayer was dancing on tables at a local bar one night, while the NY Daily News covers his performance at a Foxwoods gig alongside Alicia Keys and Diddy the night afterwards. But one paper paints Mayer as an altar boy turning down “eager hot blonds” for the sake of monogamy, and the other makes Mayer sound like a vulgar womanizer. So which to believe?

• While girlfriend Jennifer Aniston has been acting like a goody two-shoes, John Mayer has been a total party boy, drinking it up all night at a bar in New York. But he's also been totally domestic and whipped in Las Vegas, where the singer dodged groupies right and left to go to bed early. Since Aniston is really into mixed signals, the actress decided Mayer is "the one." None of this is going unimpregnate Angelina Jolie, Jennifer.

If you are anything like us, your brain is total mush by 4pm on Friday. Fortunately, Defamer has the perfect solution to get you shipshape by bar time. That's right, wrap both of your hands around this week's Dirt Sandwich and take a giant, yummy bite. Our fearless and peerless videographer Molly McAleer has packed this week's installment chock fulla tasty morsels that are guaranteed to make your mindgrapes dance. You want examples? How about Entertainment Tonight's tantalizing tease of John Mayer being held at gunpoint? Or Tori Spelling's curious confession to Extra that she's aiming to play a "sexy MILF" in the new 90210? If neither of those made your brain start secreting heavy doses of serotonin, we're pretty sure Sarah Jessica Parker's Frankenstein hands oughta do the trick. Enjoy the weekend, kids!

At this point in Jessica Simpson’s sad, sad career, it’s become clear that her only chance of making headlines is by sleeping with a new guy, getting dumped by that new guy, or whining over one of the many guys who’ve dumped and/or slept with her. As we learned this week, her most recent conquest — QB Tony Romo, who Jessica called “her future husband” in Glamour’s March issue before admitting that “this article could come out and Tony and I could be broken up” — rid himself of the Game Day Curse just as her ex-fling John Mayer was popping up all over the weeklies swapping spit with Jennifer Aniston and her fembot nips. Naturally, Jessica reacted by drinking herself silly and, we presume, making several late-night calls to her Dadager, Papa Joe, requesting her next romantic PR stunt stat. So the question is: which lucky bachelors will Joe pay off set her up with this time to guarantee continuous coverage of his darling daughter? Our suggestions, after the jump.

Whatever’s going on between Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer has thus far had all the standard Summer Fling ingredients: making out in pools, sunset dinners, word that psychopathic ex-girlfriends are drowning in tears and booze, and so on. But last night, the cougar and cad took their lovey dovey tour to New York, doing the double date thing at celebrity haunts and hiding out in cloudy cigar bars, leading onlookers to believe the new Demi and Ashton are having more than just fun in the sun. However, reports that John is “bored” already, combined with Jennifer’s alleged “clingy” and starstruck groupie behavior at one of his gigs have us worried that Aniston will be yet another tear-soaked ex on the crooner’s widdled down bed post...

[Singer/songwriter/lovemaker John Mayer walking backwards (seriously!) into the Waverly Inn, where he joined Jennifer Anniston, in New York last night; image via Splash]

Why is it that everyone must pretend? The news pretends that Hillary might still win. I pretend (to myself, no less) that today is the day that I clean my apartment or do laundry. And geigh showbiz types just can't stop pretending that they enjoy the intimate company of ladies: "Which hot US musician is kidding no-one with his string of showmances? Everyone in the business knows he'd rather a hunk to a gorgeous leading lady." [Mirror] Sigh. Just give up the ghost everyone! Enjoy a summer off, Hillary. Resign yourself to live in filth, me. And you, geigh showbiz type, we already know about you. Another item after the jump.

It's always cute when newbie stars brush off rumors about their love lives by calling them "silly" and saying "we're just good friends!" Fresh faces like Gossip Girl's blonde bombshell Blake Lively have yet to learn that making public denials like these mean only one thing: the rumors are true. Back in January, Lively said just that regarding tabloid stories linking her to on-screen make-out partner Penn Badgley (he's the hot-but-nerdy one, a la Seth Cohen on The OC). And shockingly (!), pictures released today prove not only that Blake and Penn have been fooling around poolside - in an uncanny rendition of Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer's beachy-keen gallery last week - but that they may actually make it after all.

Are Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer the new Demi and Ashton? After seeing these new photos taken in Miami while Jen continues filming Marley & Me, we're noticing several similarities between her new fling with the tattooed O-face master and the queen and prince of age-gap relationship success stories. Like Ashton was, John is a young, charming, bed-hopping bachelor, and just like Demi, Jennifer is an insanely hot divorced actress far more famous than her beau. The icing on the cougar cake? Just like the Moore-Kutchers, it all started with a bikini:

• Jennifer Aniston and boyfriend John Mayer got into a hotel pool in Miami, and there were pictures, and everyone found this very exciting for some reason. The Sun went above and beyond, as usual, with shots of the two parts of the actress' body any experienced reader of the British tabloid would expect it to focus on. (Photo from X17)

Musician John Mayer is arguably hot and deals well with the paparazzi, and maybe can play the guitar, but also is a Ron Paul fanatic, weak blogger and broadcaster and — oh, right! — Perez Hilton face-sucker. So: Yes, John Mayer Is That Bad. But now he's made a Spinal Tap-like video for FunnyOrDie.com, mocking the "creative process" of celebrity rock stars, and it's both self-deprecating and funny. It's also not personal enough to cut very deeply — nothing about Perez? — but with a few more of these could celeb-karmically balance the Perez makeout incident and Mayer could be back to Not That Bad or, dare to dream, Palatable. Mayer video after the jump.

• There is no goddamned way animal-hating monster Paris Hilton actually said this to justify her alleged competitive need to conceive: "I have a lot of beautiful animals that I look after and I feel I would have a lot to give my children."

Mixing two high-profile sects like A-list stars and fashionistas will inevitably result in a bit of drama, but at Monday night's Costume Institute Gala, drama took on a whole new meaning. Catfights! Divas! Public Displays Of Aggression! From Christina Ricci's early departure to Peacock King's Jeff Zucker's bitchy avoidance of Darth Weinstein on the red carpet, everyone's claws were out on Monday night. Adding fuel to the fire, one married actress decided to show up to the event sans wedding ring amid rumors of a pending divorce. All the details, including Jennifer Aniston's fling-of-the-week's comments on whether or not the whole mushy affair is for real, after the jump.

• Jenna Bush will get married this weekend at a ranch in Texas. Oscar de la Renta supplied the gown the presidential daughter will eventually be puking on. (UPDATE: AP may be wrong on bridesmaid count, see first comment.) [AP]

• Tyra Banks ended the Miley Cyrus controversy, issuing the following fatwa on The View: "She is a 15-year-old, and I just wish everybody would leave her alone!" Follow this edict or Tyra will claw your eyes out, then stab you, then set you on fire, all using only her tightly-controlled stare of rage. [Showbiz Spy]

It's usually fun when rumored flings between two unlikely stars are proven true, unless one of those stars happens to be serial dater Jennifer Aniston. Last week we reluctantly reported on stories linking Aniston to orgasmic crooner John Mayer, and as In Touch tells us today, the pair spent a long weekend together in Miami, where Jen's filming Marley & Me. Just another doozy of an I'll Believe It When I See It tale? Well, believe it, and see it, after the jump.

When news that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer got together for a "touchy, feely" lunch date and dinner in Miami over the weekend broke, the entire community of celebrity observers and glossy magazine readers let out a big ol' collective yawn. Aniston has been linked to (and we're roughly estimating here) seven hundred or so possible paramours since her split with Brad Pitt, and Mayer has pulled what Liz Phair would call the all-too-common "fuck and run" on so many starlets that he earned Us's "Cad of the Year" award. But just because the gossip is yawnworthy doesn't mean there isn't a larger issue here: mainly, is Aniston really dating or trying to date all these guys-of-the-month, or is this charade her publicist's idea of spinning her post-divorce life into an unglamorous version of Sex And The City?

• Amy Winehouse went on a rampage of terror last week, headbutting and punching people, getting high in the street and stiffing her cabbie. But the addict/singer also made out with some random guy, and maybe that's why she now has a new man named Alex Haynes, who works for Winehouse's manager, and doesn't look nearly fierce enough to handle his insane new girlfriend. Winehouse's mom thinks he's great because Haynes is always "popping out to buy cigarettes, papers, anything she wanted." Other people point out that buying whatever Winehouse wants is maybe not in the singer's best interest.

Has Joe Simpson gone from a pimpy fame-hungry Dadager to a bonafide nutcase? Not that we're surprised or anything, but his recent interferences with daughter Jessica's "relationship" with quarterback Tony Romo suggest there may be a few gurney-riding trips in his future. As OK! reports this week, Joe's intrusive behavior has Romo's family feeling like their son is being used and, even more disturbing, he showed up uninvited to a private Mexico vacation Jess and Tony took earlier this year. According to OK's source, "Whatever hopes Tony had of his relationship with Jessica turning into something real pretty much ended with Joe's stunt. According to his friends, they're pretty much just friends with benefits." But judging from Jess's romantic past, isn't Friend With Benefits pretty much her primary career these days?