That girl who was famous for a while in the mid-aughts got married to Diana Ross's son this weekend, and despite the presence of several recognizable celebrities, they apparently couldn't get anyone to pay for their wedding photos in the time-honored Hollywood tradition.

Joe Simpson, the father of famous person Jessica Simpson, has joined the ranks of some of America's greatest celebrity pastors by coming out to his family and having his affair with a much younger man revealed by gossip rags. Somewhere on South Beach, George Rekers is quietly applauding.

A man says he stole Paris Hilton's fancy birthday cake, and offers photographic proof. Lindsay Lohan goes clubbing, then home with Samantha Ronson. Ashlee Simpson parties until sunrise with sk8er bois. TGIFriday gossip.

• George Michael is back in the news and, as usual, it has nothing to do with his music. The singer was arrested on Friday for driving drunk when he crashed his car into a truck. Michael, however, is insisting he was sober at the time. So maybe he's just a bad driver? [NYDN, E!]
• Is Joe Simpson trying to push the producers of American Idol to hire Jessica Simpson to replace Paula Abdul? That's the rumor. [P6]
• Amy Winehouse's soon-to-be ex-husband, Blake Fielder-Civil says the singer has been "begging him to get back together." Uh oh. [DM]
• Beyoncé has been brushing up on her dance skills by "secretly" enrolling in ballet lessons at the Alvin Ailey School of Dance. [NYDN]

It's no wonder this unreleased "Speedfit" workout video was banned from YouTube: It's as embarrassing as rumored and contains an incriminating recording of her business manager to boot.

Jessica Simpson has officially perfected the art of turning every opportunity to promote whatever is currently going on in her “career” into a public display of desperation. Ever since that gruesome Chicken Or Fish fiasco, we cannot think of a single time the game day curse has appeared on television without making a complete ass of herself. And Jessica managed to continue the pity parade on The View today. Dodging all questions related to her shockingly successful new country single, Simpson instead spun the interview into an embarrassingly blatant attempt to announce to the world how totally in love she and long-suffering QB Tony Romo still are. See Simpson hard at work, and tell us if we’re the only ones noticing a very eerie resemblance between the new Jessica and the bleached, gum-chewing, tear-drenched Britney Spears circa her “We’re just country, y’all!” era.

In a wide-ranging radio interview conducted before literally tens of adoring fans, Jessica Simpson seized the opportunity to clear up some outlandish rumors: namely, that stage father Joe Simpson is a little more hands-on than necessary. Said the newly-styled country singer to K-FROG (via Us Magazine):

We have a feeling that, were there a group of deadbeat dads out in Glendale (a la those Dina Lohan-lovin' freaks out East) who got drunk enough one day to form a Totally Awesome Dads Association (TADA!), they would most likely celebrate their first-year anniversary by handing out their Bud Light-drenched award for Father Of The Year to Papa Joe Simpson. Why? Well, as we already know, the former minister-turned-dadager managed to pimp out a few mind-numbingly boring exclusive wedding pictures featuring most annoyingly faux-punk new marrieds on the planet, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz, to People a few weeks back. But what we didn’t know was that, at the same time, Simpson was allegedly attempting to sell off his other daughter Jessica — not to the tabloids, but to then-boyfriend Tony Romo. See the astonishing managing skills this guy has? But he reportedly wasn’t stopping at selling off his daughter — he was also said to be pressuring the quarterback to sign a client/manager agreement and become one of the magically successful Simpson Family Players:

At this point in Jessica Simpson’s sad, sad career, it’s become clear that her only chance of making headlines is by sleeping with a new guy, getting dumped by that new guy, or whining over one of the many guys who’ve dumped and/or slept with her. As we learned this week, her most recent conquest — QB Tony Romo, who Jessica called “her future husband” in Glamour’s March issue before admitting that “this article could come out and Tony and I could be broken up” — rid himself of the Game Day Curse just as her ex-fling John Mayer was popping up all over the weeklies swapping spit with Jennifer Aniston and her fembot nips. Naturally, Jessica reacted by drinking herself silly and, we presume, making several late-night calls to her Dadager, Papa Joe, requesting her next romantic PR stunt stat. So the question is: which lucky bachelors will Joe pay off set her up with this time to guarantee continuous coverage of his darling daughter? Our suggestions, after the jump.

An eagle-eyed Defamer operative caught a wonderful if short-lived revision at CAA's Wikipedia page this morning, when, for 30 precious minutes, the agency's storied history of talent relations included colluding with Joe and Ashlee Simpson to rip off her song "My Model":

Has Joe Simpson gone from a pimpy fame-hungry Dadager to a bonafide nutcase? Not that we're surprised or anything, but his recent interferences with daughter Jessica's "relationship" with quarterback Tony Romo suggest there may be a few gurney-riding trips in his future. As OK! reports this week, Joe's intrusive behavior has Romo's family feeling like their son is being used and, even more disturbing, he showed up uninvited to a private Mexico vacation Jess and Tony took earlier this year. According to OK's source, "Whatever hopes Tony had of his relationship with Jessica turning into something real pretty much ended with Joe's stunt. According to his friends, they're pretty much just friends with benefits." But judging from Jess's romantic past, isn't Friend With Benefits pretty much her primary career these days?

We were admittedly underwhelmed upon hearing that lip sync princess Ashlee Simpson and her guyliner-sporting beau Pete Wentz were planning on tying the knot, but we are somewhat pleased to hear about all the trouble it's causing Papa Joe Simpson. Unsurprisingly, the engagement seems to be the result of Pete "doing the right thing" after knocking up his girlfriend. And in an attempt to turn a sticky situation into a pot of gold, minister-turned-Dadager Joe is allegedly trying desperately to make some quick cash by selling his daughter's story to the weeklies, conveniently timed to coincide with her upcoming album's release:

Can somebody in America please buy one of my daughters' albums? Please? Or at least do a little more than pretend to like them or go a step beyond liking them for various reasons of irony? Do you know how hard it is to make the change between the manager who just got off the phone with the record label to the cool dad who has to the break news that one of them is about to get dropped from their label? It's hard, real hard. Let alone hiding these irrational fears that I'm going to get fired by my own daughters? Can you imagine that being fired by your own flesh and blood? It could happen. The constant threat that keeps me up at night. That and Ryan Seacrest changing his phone number without him giving me the new number.

We know that we're only eight years into the Aughts, but we're pretty sure that Joe Simpson has got the Worst Father Of The Decade Award wrapped up. Ever since the sinister minister took the reigns of boobalicious daughter Jessica's "career" (which was like, on her 2nd birthday), he's managed to turn his dingbat cupcake into an oh-no-she-didn't laughingstock (ChickenOrFishGate 2004, anyone?), a divorcee at 25, and a has-been in the music industry. Oh, and then there's the rousing success story that was Blonde Ambition (still stuck at $6,422). The latest double-whack Joe's served to Jess include setting her up on a doomed-from-the-start fiasco of a relationship with Cowboys QB Tony Romo, who's since dumped her admittedly fine ass, and now, turning against the always Simpsons-friendly OK Magazine by (yes, really) handing them a "strongly worded letter" demanding a retraction.

• Though Jessica Simpson's rep denies it, rumors are swirling that her dad Joe wants to svengali up Britney Spears. [R&M]
  

• Well, that solves it: It's Anna Nicole Smith herself who's cashing in on the photos of her with her newborn child and son Daniel, who died shortly after the pics were taken. With the help of an aggressive photo agent and the money-throwing suits at In Touch and Entertainment Tonight, she's set to bring in around $600K. Self-exploitation heals the heartache, doesn't it? [Lowdown]
• Joe Simpson reaches a whole new level of fucked-up and crazy: he actually acts as a paparazzo, taking pictures of his daughters — the same images that all the other swarms are taking — and selling them to WireImage as part of an exclusive deal that cuts out all other photographers. Eventually, Simpson will strike this kind of deal with Penthouse. And then, only then, being daddy will be worth it. [Radar]
• In a very public screaming match, Lindsay Lohan tells her partner in crime, mom Dina, to "go to hell" — during Dina's birthday party, no less. But not even the birthday girl gets to gank Lindsay's stash. Bitch had it coming. [Page Six]
• Rosie O'Donnell's big, scary lesbian liberalism makes View co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck cry. And when Elisabeth cries, the ratings win. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Diddy pulls a diva act. When someone wears white chinchilla, that's usually a given. [Philly Daily News]
• In his divorce, Matt Leblanc will be representing himself. Pitfalls and blunders, accompanied by a laughtrack, TK. [TMZ]
• Stephen Baldwin continues to spread the word of baby Jesus and, in the process of doing so, remains in the public eye. Troublesome. [Page Six]

• Daddy stalks best: In the seven months between Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson's separation, dad Joe Simpson was keeping a close eye on Nick, asking clubs for security footage from when Nick was present with Vanessa Minnillo and CaCee Cobb. [Gatecrasher]
• Meanwhile, faux-troubled Entertainment Tonight hostess Minnillo pisses off her neighbors by dating the paparazzi and Nick Lachey; fellow co-op residents much preferred ex-boyfriend Derek Jeter, whose autograph was actually worth something. [Page Six]
• Christie Brinkley leaves 4th husband Peter Cook after learning that he's been banging a 19-year-old assistant at his architecture firm — the ultimate blow to an aging supermodel's self-esteem. [NYDN]
• Rapper claims that her former assistant who is charging her with abuse and harassment is a liar; the woman, Rasheeda Ellis, lied about references and tried to leak Brown's personal emails to two gossip reporters. Come to think of it, Lloyd Grove does seem to write quite a bit about Foxy. [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis enter the "friends with privileges" stage. We can't think of two people who deserve each other's herpes more. [TMZ]
• Did you hear about those two drunks at Soho House? [Lowdown]

While the Learning Annex has typically been our go-to source for bizarre seminars on nondescript shit, we're happy to see that life's lovable losers are branching out to where they're needed most, like Dallas. For $60, one can listen to Joe Simpson (father of Jessica and Ashlee), Bachelor host Chris Harrison, and Britney Spears's personal assistant Felicia Culotta instruct the masses on how to be a star in any career. According to the program, this moving experience "will give tips for being an A-lister in life."