With eminently quotable Viacom co-president/future galactic dictator Les Moonves tied up with corporate world domination meetings in New York, overmatched CBS Entertainment president Nina Tassler was left to face journalists at the Television Critics Association convention yesterday. The LA Daily News reports that Moonves was sorely missed:
The LAT reports that the ratings-hobbled NBC has finished its advertising sales for the fall season, and after being forced to cut their rates by skeptical buyers, sold about $900 million less of their primetime inventory than last year. As if this news wasn't bad enough for NBC's Jeff Zucker, the beleaguered, fading golden boy received a swift kick in the "sweeps" from his fiercest rival's spit-shined wing-tips:
Viacom's board has approved the long-discussed split of the behemoth conglomerate into two somewhat smaller behemoths. Former co-presidents Les Moonves and Tom Freston will each run their own fiefdom, with Moonves taking over CBS Corp. (CBS network, Paramount Television, radio holdings, etc), and Freston topping Viacom, Inc. (Paramount Pictures, MTV Networks, various cable channels, pimped rides), but we're not going to get into the boring details any more deeply than we already have. While Freston has suddenly found himself a lot less likely to be snuffed out with a Cribs-branded pillow by Moonves once his co-presidency became "inconvenient" to the generously-betoothed future galactic dictator's plans for world domination, it seems that Moonves suddenly finds his potential resources drastically reduced. Cutbacks in his army of 50-foot robots may be announced (barring a big boost from Wall Street), temporarily delaying his plans to deploy the army to kick off an invasion by kidnapping rival Jeff Zucker and submitting him to the public humiliation of a automaton-applied rusty trombone.
· The Weinsteins will snatch Miramax distribution head Mike Rudnitsky for their new empire when they leave in late September, but in the meantime, they'll help usher nine of their old Miramax and Dimension babies into the world in Auguest and September. [Variety]
· Theaters owners resist billionaire Mark Cuban's "ass-backwards" plans to release films in theaters, home video, and on cable simultaneously, threatening not to show his movies in their venues. In turn, Cuban threatens to destroy their cineplexes with a satellite-mounted death-ray. [THR]
· More sweeps ratings postmortem: ABC, CBS, Fox, and UPN were all up over last year, the WB was down a bit, and NBC...well, we think Jeff Zucker's ratings bitch-hood has been well-established by now. [Variety]
· Carmen Electra continues to get acting work, while thousands of other, equally qualified dancers with fake tits continue to work the pole. [THR]
· We somehow missed this yesterday, but allow us to update the record to reflect that Meathead has dumped William Morris for CAA. [Variety]
CBS overlord Les Moonves just can't help himself. At their upfront presentation to advertisers yesterday, he continued his ritualistic humiliation of NBC pewter-boy Jeff Zucker, very publicly delivering the television executive equivalent of a taint-rattling wedgie, a swirly in an unflushed toilet, and the scribbling of "I LOVE DUDES" in Sharpie on his rival's forehead:
Each year at upfronts time, Les Moonves likes to invite the press over for an informal chat over bagels, during which he's known to take out his penis, slap it down among the lox and cream cheese, then swing the sloppy member around the room without concern for who it hits in the face. The NYT's Virignia Heffernan notes who got a faceful of junk in her "Upfronts Journal" (which, like the LAT's "Web Notebook," should not be mistaken for a blog):
By now we all know how it went down: At last year's upfronts, NBC golden boy Jeff Zucker was so confident about his network's prospects for the Fall season that he stood on a stack of Bibles, swore that their already high ratings would increase, and taunted the Lord himself to strike him down if Joey didn't deliver post-Friends salvation to his advertisers. Then God, who always has quite a sense of humor about such matters, obliged Zucker with a well-placed thunderbolt to the top of the executive's distinguished bald head.
· Feeding tubes are red-hot right now. The Pope's deteriorating health and Terri Schiavo's death provided a tube-related field day for the news media yesterday. Today, CBS has announced plans to rush a Schiavo biopic to air during May sweeps, with Keri Russell to star as America's tragic heroine and Dean Cain as the husband who wants to let her die in peace. The net anxiously awaits the Pope's death to announce the casting of Ben Kingsley as the Holy Father. [Variety]
· Tired of making quirky comedies that are enjoyed by a handful of Spanking the Monkey incest fanboys, David O. Russell, the headlockingest director in Tinseltown, teams up with comedy hearthrob Vince Vaughn for a shot-by-shot slapstick remake of Saving Private Ryan. [THR]
· In a shocking move for fem-centric cabler Lifetime, recently-acquitted star Robert Blake is named CEO of the network. A press release announcing the unexpected hiring featured the tough-talking thesp-turned-exec vowing to "shut up them puking, Valerie Bertinelli-wannabe breast cancer whiners, or they're gonna get one in the back of the head between the antipasti and the spaghetti, if you know what I mean." [Variety]
· ER hearthrob Noah Wyle announces that he's leaving the show that made blood-splattered white labcoats the must-have fashion of 1996 after this season. Wyle plans to rejoin former castmate Eriq LaSalle in a touring musical theater production in which the two actors perform a dub-reggae version of the Jackson/McCartney smash "Say, Say, Say" at rural high schools throughout the country. [THR]
· Seth Green signs up to have his genitals sandblasted off for Will & Grace creators Max Mutchnick and David Kohan's new NBC pilot, Dry-Humping Eunuchs. [Variety]
You may remember that NBC-Universal head/fading golden boy Jeff Zucker recently agreed to show his acting chops and poke some fun at his image by guest-starring as himself in the upcoming Kirstie Alley trainwreck Fat Actress. Now Zucker's tumbling down the slippery slope of pop-culture punchlines, as his name has been appropriated for a TV network president character in a WB sitcom pilot fittingly named Nobody's Watching. (If your mind isn't yet sufficiently blown, the pilot was originally developed at NBC. Oh, the balls!) Unfortunately, the WB is expected to change the name if the show makes the schedule, but we sincerely hope that "Zeff Jucker's" essence as a once-proud programming world-beater who's watching his Must-See empire crumble around him is left intact. Also, he's still bald and short.
· Jeff Zucker takes a cue from American Idol contestants, putting a happy face on failure and falsely singing the praises of network parity. Don't let them see you cry, Jeff—at least not until you're in the confessional. [Variety]
· Audrey Tatou joins the Hanks-led cast of The DaVinci Code, instantly making the whole movie adorable and quirky. Aw. (Still, we were rooting for dark horse Rachel Weisz, who admits in the February issues of British GQ that hell yes, she's fluent in French. Whatever, Audrey.) [THR]
· The Aviator gains Oscar momentum, winning the Producer's Guild Award for Best Picture. [Variety]
· "The biggest problem this year" at Sundance "is all the 'special' people who want 'special' attention, who want tickets at the last minute. When we say no, they get pissed off and start threatening to throw rocks at us." Our bad! Sorry, we'll quit it now. [Variety]
· Disney launches 24-hour news network, ABC News Now. The net will differ from others by making their overblown and biased coverage available "at any time of day over any device." [Variety]
· Nicholas Cage to star in biopic of legendary gambler Amarillo Slim Preston, thus singlehandedly oversaturating and killing the trendy poker-playing market. [THR]
· ABC chief McPherson reflects on net's success, citing the "sameness" of procedurals as the catalyst for shows like Desperate Housewives. Look for the "sameness" of suburban soaps to open the door for another network in about three years. [THR]
Knowing that he's got no Desperate Housewives or Lost in the programming pipeline, NBC Universal golden silver boy Jeff Zucker reaches into the nightly news for a sure-fire ratings winner. He'd be a fool not to try and turn the event into a Night of the Erstwhile Must-See TV Stars to remind everyone about the time that NBC ruled the world. We can see it now: George Clooney back in his ER scrubs, conspicuously manning the phone bank as the cast of Friends pleads for the public to help tsunami victims..and maybe, if they're really feeling generous, tune in to Joey.
·"No power player has ever given up as much autonomy and wealth to become the No. 3 man in an entertainment company." So sayeth Peter Bart about Brad Grey's expected move to Paramount, but he's obviously overlooking the valuable opportunity to be Les Moonves' demonic valet (Tom Freston will be long slain) at Viacom when the Rapture comes. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Woody Allen's Melinda and Melinda will open the Santa Barbara Film Festival. This isn't as scary as it sounds—Allen's only creatively dead, not actually dead. [THR]
· Samaire Armstrong, on-screen assistant to Jeremy Piven's Ari Gold on Entourage (and late of The O.C.), is cast as Lindsay Lohan's BFF in her untitled "Lucky" project. Next up for Armstrong: peer-pressure surgery, a drinking problem, and a punitive fling with Fez. [THR]
· Carsey-Werner and Fox will attempt to squeeze every last drop of blood from the dessicated corpse of That 70's Show, formulating plans to keep the sitcom going after Topher Grace bails at the end of this season and Ashton Kutcher makes only token appearances. [Variety]
· Every time a publicist is promoted, an angel gets a scorching case of herpes: Rebecca Marks moved up to executive VP of NBC Universal west coast publicity division. The bad news is she still reports directly to fading NBC-U golden boy Jeff Zucker. [Variety]
· Al Pacino is looking to star in MGM's remake of Witness for the Prosecution, the 1957 Billy Wilder courtroom drama. Good move—these lawyerin' flicks inevitably provide ample opportunity for overblown scene-chewing, a Pacino speciality since Scent of a Woman. [THR]
· A day after Les Moonves crowed about CBS' sweeps victory, former NBC golden-boy Jeff Zucker dejectedly appraises his network's sweeps performance as "good but not great." NBC then announced the midseason series (like the much-delayed boxing flop-to-be The Contender) it will dump into its schedule. Please, someone confiscate Zucker's shoelaces before any of the new shows premiere. [THR]
· Hell-bent on more efficiently liquefying the brains of its young audience, The WB picks up a script based on Plum Sykes's novel, Bergdorf Blondesto develop into an hour-long drama series. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· The Broder-Webb-Chervin-Silbermann agency finally discovers "reality television" and starts a department to rep creatives in this exciting new genre. They're still researching the financial feasibility of starting a "talkies" department. [THR]
Michael Wolff examines two other culprits behind the reality TV craze: NBC entertainment head Jeff Zucker and ABC entertainment exec Susan Lyne. Wolff, explaining the reality TV craze, writes "It was almost as though network television were being maintained on a sophisticated combination of mood-stabilizing drugs, but suddenly, everybody went on some scary street shit." He also asks what we've all been thinking: how far can the reality TV go? "At what point, after what humiliations, do reasonable and thoughtful men and women just walk off the set?"
Oh! Get Real! [NY Mag]
