Some ding-a-ling microwaved a glow stick, even though his dad told him not to. Dummy!

Tom Colicchio is a famous chef and TV personality. He is also an activist who advocates for healthier, saner government food policies. "Blah! Gah! Real Americans hate healthy, sane things!" sayeth the voice of the Real Americans.

The above video shows drunk frat bros fighting, rolling around on the ground, and calling each other bitches at a University of Arkansas tailgate. According to Bro Bible, the fight is between Sigma Nus and SAEs, but according to me, it's between a bunch of IDIOTS who aren't even throwing real punches.

Navarro College, a community college in The Great State of Texas, sent rejection letters to multiple applicants from African countries because "Navarro College is not accepting international students from countries with confirmed Ebola cases."

A US Airways flight from Philadelphia to Punta Cana, in the Dominican Republic, was held upon landing yesterday after a sneezing passenger joked about having been to Africa.

Nate Silver, a man frequently hailed as the future of journalism, gave a master class this evening on How Not To React To The News That Doesn't Involve You (Ferguson edition). In short, don't make it an occasion to tell the story about That Time You Were Arrested (as a white man) and the cops were actually nice and let you eat a burrito.

A teenage volunteer firefighter in the Philadelphia suburbs has been arrested on charges that he and another teen set fire to vacant homes so that his fire department would be called to extinguish the blazes. A crime so dumb only a Philly boy could think it up.

The New Yorker website, not to be confused with the New Yorker print magazine, is thinking about status today. In an item on its "Currency" vertical, the online New Yorker introduces us to researchers who have gained fascinating insights into how people police the abstract status identities they've constructed around their preferred "brands"—or else (maybe?) how people who have attained the factual condition of attending Harvard or of running long-distance obstacle courses disdain people who claim to have done those things without having done those things:

Blow-dried idiot and Texas Governor Rick "See My Glasses?" Perry has done some thinking, about these homos. Rick Perry is now prepared to answer your homosexual questions, in a hilariously poor fashion.

You know all that fuss about how liberals love science and conservatives hate it? Well, it turns out that a sizable majority of all Americans have faith in the quantifiable, reproducible conclusions of empirical observation. As long as you leave self-identified Tea Partiers out of the equation.

If it's summertime, and you have a net worth that is at least seven figures, that means it's time for JPMorgan's suggested summer reading list—the books that they tell their wealthy clients to pretend to read this summer. The wealthy, their bankers apparently believe, are dumb.

Remember Rep. Vance McAllister? Of course you do. He knows about leaks: leaked videos of him philandering, leaked texts of his guilt. And he would like these stupid tree-huggers to stop trashing the patriotic geniuses who fixed leaking oil pipelines with your dad's station-wagon emergency kit:

It's the Common Core, you see, it's got the gay-making all built into it. Do an arithmetic problem all new and queer-like, and you go queer. This simple Florida lawmaker can see that. Why can't you? Are you gay or something?

A teen driver who filmed himself crashing into four vehicles, injuring 5 people, has been arrested for leaving the scene of a crash. Police found him after he uploaded video of the incident to YouTube under the title "Me Driving Like an Idiot."

An Oregon ad agency is pretty steamed that comedian John Oliver, whose job description includes skewering ridiculous things, skewered one of their ridiculous things.

That short glug of water in the bolo unhappily shaking President Obama's hand is Oklahoma Rep. Paul Wesselhöft, who's lately made his bones calling for Attorney General Eric Holder's impeachment and warning all listeners about the terrors of the National Black Panther Party.

Information curator Maria Popova wants you to know that she uploaded some copyrighted book illustrations by the artist Ralph Steadman to the internet, and BuzzFeed went and republished those copyrighted images, because BuzzFeed disrespects the work she put into curating Steadman's images.

The Washington Post's Kathleen Parker congratulates herself this morning for having the courage to "go, tippy toe" into "the race fray":

Though there are many fine people in the state of South Carolina, it is fairly uncontroversial to observe that the political class of South Carolina is the dumbest bunch of fucking hicks legally allowed to vote in the United States of America.