Firefighters had to lift a teenage girl out of a storm drain in Dover, U.K., after she wedged herself inside while trying to retrieve her mobile phone.

A 22-year-old woman on probation for a drunk driving conviction thought she had fooled investigators when she passed a breathalyzer test after a night of drinking. She probably would have gotten away with it, too, if she hadn't bragged about it on Facebook.

Last night, the U.K.'s BBC Three aired a new show called Festivals, Sex and Suspicious Parents. It's a spin-off of the three-year-old Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents, in which parents spied on the idiotic behavior of their kids (in their late teens and early twenties) on holiday, as the Brits put it. MTV had a show like this called Parental Control, in which parents watched their kids go on dates, but ...Sex and Suspicious Parents is better because it's British and raunchier.

Self-loathing New York Times thought-leader David Brooks has an admonition for everyone today: You do not understand this "income inequality" you are all talking about. People assume that just because the very richest people have ever more money, and the much greater numbers of poor people have less money, this constitutes a systemic problem:

Americans love myths. We love ghost stories and the "American Dream" and "pulling yourself up by the bootstraps," and we especially love the idea of Bigfoot. This is the only reason why the same backwoods drifter can claim he found two different Bigfoot monsters and make the news for each of them.

On last night's episode of the U.K.'s Celebrity Big Brother, heavyweight champ and Arthur remake actor Evander Holyfield said some barely intelligible nonsense about gay people, namely that homosexuality is a choice, like being "handicapped," and fixable.

New Yorkers beware: The writhing mass of douche that is SantaCon is happening right now. Don't engage with them. Don't approach them. And whatever you do, don't sit on their laps.

The dictionary company Merriam-Webster has declared "science" to be the Word of the Year for 2013. But why?

A faux-"natural" mother brags about leaving her newborn attached for days to its placenta, which she wrapped in disgusting PCB-laden industrial synthetic plastic bags till it finally fell off. That "musty smell" is the Goddess dying of chemical poisoning, you monster.

Charles Krauthammer is a conservative columnist with a permanent sourpuss etched into his self-impressed face. He is not a sports columnist, okay? Yet he has managed, quite impressively, to come up with the single most inane solution yet for the "Washington Redskins" name controversy.

William Peace University in North Carolina plans to invest two-thirds of its entire endowment in a single shopping center development. What could go wrong?

The anonymous Portland coward who last month went around threatening to publicly post the names of local voters who received governmental disability benefits is now doing the same to people who receive food stamps.

Commuters with regular routes past Cleveland's Second District police department will see something unusual this week: a middle-aged man standing in front of the department, holding a yellow sign proclaiming himself as an “idiot.”

A year ago, cottonheaded Washington Post heartthrob Richard Cohen wrote a column on the contentious issue of "stop and frisk" that took no position whatsoever. That column was absolutely worthless. Amazingly, his writing on the issue has gotten worse since then.

Loudmouth Maine Governor Paul LePage told a crowd gathered at a GOP fundraiser last week that President Obama "hates white people," according to two state lawmakers who where there.

With all of the Portlandia-style hipster jokes emanating from the Pacific Northwest, it's easy to forget that the region is lousy with far-right lunatics. Case in point: A flyer being distributed around Portland neighborhoods threatening to post the names of people who receive government disability benefits.

A mere two days after finding George Zimmerman innocent of the murder of Trayvon Martin, juror B37 in the case has signed on with a prominent literary agent, as a prelude to a book deal. This juror is a woman who hates the media and went into the trial mistakenly believing there were "riots" over the case.

Independence Day is the worst of America's joyless national celebrations, the day when everyone will predictably act like a buffoon and nobody has the decency to Opt Out. From Park Slope to Silver Lake, from Phoenix to Saint Paul, the whole nation of grudge-laden bores will wrap themselves in the old Red, White and Blue in another futile attempt to out-patriot their enemies.

Accused murderer George Zimmerman's college criminal justice professor was testifying in his trial over Skype today, providing a nice object lesson in why Skype testimony for nationally televised trials is probably not a good idea.