Boring person clothing store THE GAP, faced with falling sales, has announced that it will close 175 stores across America in a sad attempt to feel less unpopular. Who is responsible? Yes, it’s the dreaded millennials.

Steven Schwarzman, the private equity billionaire and human PR disaster who once compared raising taxes on the rich to Hitler’s invasion of Poland, has some thoughts on how to prevent the next financial crisis. What would you guess they are?

Atlantic City casinos are going bankrupt left and right, largely due to a major oversupply of casinos on the east coast and nationwide. New Jersey’s proposed solution? Build more casinos.

What’s the best venue for your self-righteous, nativist ravings? If you answered “my 6-year-old’s school concert, of course,” then congratulations, fuckwit, everyone hates you.

Here in the liberal media, we all like to joke, in our little liberal elite cabal, about how dumb Republicans are. And Republicans sure are dumb! But are they dumber than Democrats?

Commander-in-"Whoops!" Barack Obama nearly tumbled down a whole god damn set of airplane stairs today after seemingly failing to master a skill that even toddlers have grasped—putting one foot in front of the other.

In this life, you flail blindly, pummeling your way from one day to the next through alternating periods of heroic effort and helpless inertia, unwilling or unable to behold the world beyond the lonely confines of your own ego. In this way, you resemble an idiot kangaroo with a watering can stuck on its head.

A Rosemeade, Ca. man lost out on $1 million last night after the deadline passed for him to claim his cash from the state. Fucking idiot lost his winning ticket.

"Idiots." "Jerks." "Shitholes." These are just some of the names you might be called if you get between a child and his goddamn Sunday funnies, as one unfortunate editor in Indiana did this week.

Boston has always had a weird relationship with snow, but apparently it's getting bad enough that the fair city's mayor had to remind his idiot constituency not to jump out their windows into snow piles.

Not content to let Chris Christie dominate the national hypocrite conversation Monday, Rand Paul—a certified doctor who vaccinated his own children—said he believes there's a link between vaccines and "profound mental disorders."

Hooray, it's Texas Muslim Capitol Day! It's that one special day of the year when Muslim residents of Texas come to Austin to learn about political activism, have civil discussions with their representatives about issues that are important to them, hear a small group of angry protesters shout "Go home!" and "Jesus is the lord!" at them, and have a legislator demand that they swear a loyalty oath to prove they're real Americans. Oh boy!

A California high school was forced to suspend a third teacher this week when he publicly defended two female teachers who allegedly had sex with several male students during an overnight beach party.

NelkFilmz is run by a group of young men that resemble an unkempt boy band on the cusp of being discovered for a Nickelodeon series. They film themselves "pranking" people. Their latest sick goof? Selling "coke" out of their car in Los Angeles.

If you're going to attempt the violent overthrow of a foreign government, it is crucial you don't completely fuck it up. Unfortunately, that's what two American dunces, Cherno Njie of Texas and Papa Faal of Minnesota, did.

It always sucks to pull your car into a gas station with the cap side accidentally facing away from the pump, but everyone's done it, and it's not hard to sympathize. Three times, though? How does that even happen?

At the urging of a "friend," this presumably inebriated definitely idiot attempted to scale the half-bicycle mounted 12 feet up—for decorative purposes only, it should be emphasized—on the façade of RV&E Bikes in Canandaigua, New York. You already know what happened next.

On today's edition of the intellectual roundtable Fox and Friends, the hosts agree that "they should have a test before you vote."

On Friday, a Golden Retriever named Buddy did what dogs do and chased a cat into a cat house in Long Island. Unfortunately for him, Buddy got his giant dumb head stuck in the cat house's tiny door, and cops had to rescue him.

The president of a Florida college that serves more than ten thousand students says he does not believe that his own students should be entitled to report on things that happen at their own school. Why is this man in the field of education?