Congressman Todd Akin (R-MO) appeared on Fox News today to discuss the DADT repeal. Among other idiotic statements, Akin declared that the repeal was unnecessary because gay soldiers can serve now... as long as their "gayness" doesn't interfere. Watch inside.

Here's a clip from tonight's Sarah Palin's Alaska. Watch as Palin condescendingly pretends to be domestic, insults Michelle Obama, dances around the issue of daughter Willow's boyfriend, and defends giving her children lots of freedom—all in two minutes!

In an embarrassing effort to be "political" or something, Khloe Kardashian went on George Lopez Tonight (great political forum) and said of the TSA screening process: "They basically are just raping you in public." No, Khloe. No they are not.

The Oregonian formerly known as Douglas Allen Smith Jr. finally got permission to legally change his name to Captain Awesome. It was inspired by a character on NBC's Chuck, which furthers the trend of Americans taking stupid names from TV.

Eliseuson, of course, doesn't see what's wrong with his snowman at all! "It's just a snowman," he says. Totally! Just one of those great small-town snow-sculpture tributes to the classic SNL skit "Coneheads" that also makes a powerful statement about suicide by hanging.

It's Black Friday, which means it's time for consumerism at its worst—door-busting, death threats, things of that nature—so what better way to celebrate than with a three-minute compilation of the worst day-after-Thanksgiving stampedes of all time! Watch inside.

Robbing a Baskin Robbins is not a good way to raise capital for your fledgling record label.

One of two US-bound bombs that were found on cargo planes last week also flew on passenger jets between Yemen, Qatar and Dubai, according to Qatar Airways. A notorious Saudi bomb maker is the prime suspect for counterterrorism officials.

Remember Richard Heene, father of the ill-fated (but not really) Balloon Boy? Well, he's back, and with an all new invention! Here's the ridiculous infomercial for Heene's back-scratching product, Bear Scratch, starring—who else?—the man himself. Sigh. Sigh. Siiiigh.

Police have arrested seven Bronx men ranging in age from 16 to 23 on charges that they lured three gay men to an apartment and beat and tortured them last weekend.

What would you do if you were in charge of the Los Angeles Times and the Chicago Tribune? Would you offer a waitress $100 to show her breasts? That's what Tribune Company CEO Randy Michaels did. And it's not all.

The wacky textbook-rewriting rubes in Texas are at it again! This time, the patriotic defenders of patriotism are out to solve the biggest problem facing the teetering public education system in America: pro-Islamic bias.

A massive Utah wildfire was started by someone shooting a machine gun at a firing range.

Calumet County District Attorney Kenneth Kratz sent 30 suggestive text messages to a 26-year-old woman while he was prosecuting her ex-boyfriend for allegedly choking her. One gem: "You may be the tall, young, hot nymph, but I am the prize!''

Hey media! Are we done with that whole cancelled-9/11-Koran-burning story? Someone might want to tell Afghanistan, because two people died on Sunday in the Lowgar province during a protest against the discontinued event. [Pic of 9/10 protest via AP]

Do not make 9/11-themed ads. How many times must it be said? At least one more, apparently. (And this one's French! Bring back Freedom Fries, argh!) [Copyranter]

A guy tried to pass off two $1 million U.S. bills at the UAE's Central bank. Hey, if you're going to be a terrible counterfeiter, you might as well be a cartoonishly incompetent one.

Tonight, Laura Ingraham had another DERP/foot-in-mouth moment when she basically said that a) Muslims should assimilate to the American way, b) "elites"—and Muslim radicals—resist this, and c) if they continue resisting, they should expect "stricter rules." Video inside.

Breaking: some assholes who hate Muslims find a high school test insufficiently hateful of Muslims. Well then! Destroy it! Burn the books! Kill the teachers! For Jesus! Below, the hateful Dirty Muslin-loving test questions exposed by New York's greatest tabloid.

Laura Ingraham, racial stereotype-enforcing hack, guest hosted The O'Reilly Factor tonight. While discussing President Obama's apparently still undecided religion, Ingraham made some astute, reasoned arguments for why people think he's Muslim. HA, JUST KIDDING—they were horrible. Video inside.