The Capitol has selected its 2010 National Christmas Tree from a Wyoming forest! Park rangers, however, are worried about vandals cutting it down and "must figure out how to obscure its exact location within the 3.4 million acre park." Impossible.

It's Fourth of July weekend! And if you're not working like we are, you should be out drinking Bud, getting a sunburn, and blowing shit up like a true Patriot. Here's some examples of how to properly celebrate America's birthday.

Mother's Day's oft-forgotten cousin is upon us on Sunday and it's very likely, giving the creeping nature of the holiday, that you've forgotten to get a gift for dad. But fear not! We're here to help.

Today is National Doughnut Day, an actual real holiday created by the Salvation Army 72 years ago to honor the women who served doughnuts to soldiers during WW1. To celebrate, stores all over the country are giving away free doughnuts!

Phyllis Nefler took a break from lounging by the pool issuing bon mots to the assembled C-list celebrities at her feet to score today's New York Times wedding announcements. It is Memorial Day weekend. Wedding season has begun in earnest.

Sunday is Mother's Day, guys. Did you forget?? Well don't worry, you still have two more days to get something nice for the lady what made you. Here are our guaranteed-to-please gift ideas.

Did you know today is Greek Independence Day? It is. It's also Maryland Day, which is probably exciting news for people who live in Maryland. Or maybe not.

Birthdays

We've gotten tons of terrible tales concerning today's holiday. We decide a winner tomorrow. If you have a new one, be sure to leave it on the original post. Try to be funny—today is depressing enough. [Flickr]

We've already gotten tons of terrific tales of romantic woe. Be sure to leave yours on the original post. You could win a prize! Even if you don't, reading the torturous stories is pleasure enough. [Image via Oxygeon's Flickr]

Americans plan to spend a lot less on presents this Valentine's Day, according to a survey. In fact, one-quarter of respondents said they planned to spend nothing at all! If you find yourself in this situation and the love of your life bails on you, try reminding him/her that not only are pets getting presents for Valentine's Day nowadays, but some people will be risking life and limb to pick up candy and flowers on Sunday. Fail to pick up a heart-shaped box of chocolates and the terrorists have won!

Yeah, Valentine's Day sucks, but this year we're not hating on it. Instead, we're going to ask you to tell us all your terrible tales of lovesickness that revolve around February 14th. For the best (worst?) there is a prize!

Merry Groundhog Day! This morning Punxsutawney Phil "saw his shadow," meaning six more weeks of winter. Jesus. Every year we politely pay attention to these Pagans and their animal rituals and in return they fuck us. Enough already. [CNN]

December: when people who aren't Christopher Hitchens consider God, and the Miracles of the Universe He/She/It/RuPaul bestow upon us. But there's one question every year that humanity has yet to find a sufficient answer for.

The airports were a mess yesterday. Today the chaos descended on commuter trains. Some sort of mysterious electrical problem shut down service on Amtrak and New Jersey Transit for nearly three hours this morning. But the problem has since been resolved and the trains are running again, so you no longer have an excuse to get out of visiting your relatives in New Jersey for Christmas, assuming that was something that had crossed your mind. [NYDN]

Screw classiness. America still loves tinsel (mainly because it's cheap). The Wall Street Journal conducts a hard-hitting investigation into its history. Here are some things you didn't know about tinsel, that the WSJ thinks you should.

"The Office" star Mindy Kaling's holiday tale in the Times is, like her, very sweet.

When making beverage selections for the remaining holiday parties, actual holidays, and the oncoming New Year's Eve benders, one should employ discretion, lest you end up with a terrible hangover and a sauce gut. Not afraid to be servicey:

Tonight, NBC aired a two-hour SNL primetime special, A Very Gilly Christmas, starring everyone's least favorite Kristen Wiig character. It was mostly a showcase of great Holiday-themed sketches of the past, but Gilly—and others—made some new, unfunny appearances.

Conde Nast's beautiful holiday gift this year: a $15 gift card to the Conde Nast cafeteria. Oh, you really shouldn't have!

Rupert Murdoch sent out his Holiday Greetings to his minions today. Fox News and Fox Business Network are mentioned by name, but the Wall Street Journal is not. Take that to heart, WSJ! The full dose of corporate cheer, below.