On Sunday, the Food Network aired Sandra's Halloween Wonderland, an hour-long special from Semi-Homemade Cooking host Sandra Lee. To say that the program—which featured half a dozen costume changes and nearly twice as many cocktail recipes—was a train wreck would be an understatement. But don't just take my word for it! Check out the above compilation to see the special's most absurd moments for yourself.

Every year there are those Halloween costume ideas that are topical and also easy to execute. That means at least one person at your Halloween party is going to have one of these costumes on. Don't be one of those cultural lemmings! If any of the following ideas are on your list, it's time to go back to the drawing board.

Today is Columbus Day in case you weren't aware. What a stupid holiday! Nothing against Columbus (other than the fact he was a dirty colonist who killed off millions of Native Americans) but taking an entire day to celebrate him is a total waste. And there's a whole list of other holidays and celebrations we should get rid of. Let's look.

Recently we stopped by a Halloween superstore in search of some new work clothes (dressing up in costumes helps stave off writer's block), and noticed amidst the racks of Slutty Thises and Slutty Thats a pile of rubber Charlie Sheen masks for sale. It didn't surprise us that someone would want to dress up as this year's ultimate Hollywood meltdown and fright show, given the "Boo!! Scary!!" angle of the holiday—but little did we know that "Charlie Sheen" would actually win this year's costume popularity contest.

Looking for just the right sentiment to hand a recently sacked executive assistant this Used-To-Be-My-Secretary's Day? Perhaps Hallmark's new line of unemployment sympathy cards will fit the bill. As Derek McCracken, creative director with the Hallmark Greeting Card Company, told NPR, "A job, like any loss, is a grieving process. We offer more ['you'll get through this' cards], versus dwelling on the loss of the job itself."

Merry Christmas! I can just sense the "yuletide" in the air, whatever the hell that is. Finished your Christmas shopping yet? No? Oooo. Better hurry up with that.

As if the throngs of screaming crowds weren't already bad enough in Times Square for New Year's Eve, it was announced today that Lady Gaga will perform at the annual event. Now it's just going to throngs of screeching teenage girls and homosexuals howling into the cold winter air for their idol. That's the last thing the city needs. And she's going to find a way to actually wear the dropping ball, isn't she?

Happy Bastille Day! For those of you who don't know, Bastille Day is the French ripoff of July 4th, but they hold it 10 days later so they can pretend like it's their own special thing. That's so like France! Anyway, today we're declaring our independence from these awful French things.

Ron Gordon, a retired teacher from Redwood City, California, says we should celebrate today, 07/09/11, as "Odd Day," because it's "one of only six dates this century that features three consecutive odd numbers." He's even set up a website and a prize-money contest to celebrate.

The lesser two of the parents holidays (let's be serious) befalls the nation once more today, and given that it's Father's Day, not Mother's Day, that we're talking about here, you probably haven't gotten a gift yet. Which you should do! But be careful. Certain gifts say certain things you might not be aware of.

Moments ago in Juneau, Alaska, state employees started handing out 55-pound boxes full of paper to dozens of awaiting reporters. Each set of six contains nearly 25,000 printed pages, comprising the entirety of Sarah Palin's e-mail correspondence during her half-term as governor of Alaska. Get reading!

Just in case you forgot: Mother's Day is today! Alert, alert! You have just hours to scramble and get her something nice and thoughtful. But be careful what you get. Different gifts say different things about you.

Major fireworks and apocalyptic drama at today's White House stenographers' huddle, you guys.

Sunday is Easter, which means that today's the last day when you can go to the drug store and find a sprawling selection of the seasonal sweets that only Jesus' resurrection brings. Everyone has their favorite treat around this time of year, and your selection says a lot about you. Now is your time to head to CVS and get a bag or box of your candy of choice, because after tomorrow the "Easter Bunny" will have bought up all the goodies. But before you go for that sugar rush, let's take a look at what your selection means. [Photo above via Flickr]

House Speaker John Boehner has a message for Mexicans: Drop dead. No, we're sure he loves the Mexicans. But not enough to throw them, and Americans of Mexican heritage, a Capitol Hill party for Cinco de Mayo.

Today is St. Patrick's Day! Before you go get completely shit faced on green beer, Guinness, and Jameson, there's one thing you need to do: Admit that you don't give a shit about St. Patrick's Day.

The pollster Rasmussen Reports is feeling festive around Presidents Day! They conducted this poll just in time for the holiday weekend: "Are there too many federal holidays already, not enough federal holidays or is the number of federal holidays about right?" The strange results showed 28% believing there are too many, 53% saying the number's about right, and only 13% wanting more federal holidays. Come again?

If you're in a committed relationship, you'll need to observe Valentine's Day in one way or another. The problem is that there are few suitable gifts for the romantic holiday and each one carries with it a certain connotation. Be careful what you choose, because it says a lot about you.

This morning we looked at a couple of humorous suggestions for where single people can spend Valentine's Day, sparking many a gripe about being a lonely singleton on V-Day and how miserable it is. Luckily one commenter swooped in and reminded us that it's going to be bad for everyone.

Today is Bóndadagur, "Husband's Day," when Icelandic wives feed their husbands "dried fish, smoked lamb, putrefied shark and soured blood and liver pudding along with other soured meat products, including ram testicles" as a token of their love.