After a few weeks' vacation, everyone's favorite Friday treat is back like your cold sore. It's time for Blue States Lose, where we sort through the galleries of fucked-up hipsters at The Cobrasnake, Last Night's Party, Misshapes and Ambrel so you don't have to. Then we bring you our 10 favorites each Friday. After the jump, let Joey Arak guide you through hipster hell.
• Morgan Stanley boots 4 employees after they accompanied clients to a strip club. Apparently this touches on Morgan Stanley's touchy gender discrimination issues, but we find it just as offensive to assume a female staffer wouldn't want to take the high rollers to Scores. [Wall Street Folly]
• After three years of delightly offensive and brilliantly entertaining pro bono work, the Black Table throws in the towel and heads to rehab. [Black Table]
• Are they Yindies? Yupsters? Or just annoying fuckwit posers? [LA Weekly & Newsweek]
• A reasonably kind rationalization of your Life & Style habit, courtesy of Salon. [Salon]
• Slightly more pleasant than chugging glasses of Airborne. [Female First]
• Supermodel Kate Moss, always the bravest girl in Bolivia, agrees to return to London to speak with authorities about that whole cocaine thing. [Telegraph]
• Happy New Year, John Norris. You're gonna need it. [MisShapes]
• We may not LURVE New York's 101 restaurants, but we certainly wouldn't rather watch an episode of 2 and a Half Men instead. That's just crazy talk. [PDHyman]
• Club kid killer Michael Alig is baaack! [WOW]
• You can jack the price of hooch up all you want; it's not going to stop a single person from getting hammered at brunch. [Reuters]
• Get more for your money at Starbucks. [Slate]
• McSweeney's grows a precious new tentacle called Wholpin, for DVDphiles. [Cool Hunting]
• Is there any limit to the fun we can have at Tara Reid's expense? [Gallery of the Absurd]
Spotted on David Patrick Columbia's usually very top-drawer New York Social Diary today:
• Lindsay Lohan will be hosting a New Year's eve party in Miami. Inexpicably, tickets are only $200 per person, which is quite the bargain for an opportunity to administer speedballs to an A-lister. [IMDb]
• San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker and girlfriend Eva Longoria are pulled over by a "Mexican bike cop." [NYDN]
• While at Pace University, foodie Rachel Ray squandered her tuition money, but Page Six doesn't disclose where the money went. Booze? Hookers? Drugs? Give us something, here. [Page Six]
• Ivana Trump's Australian luxury resort is reduced to a plebeian housing project. [Gatecrasher (2nd item)]
• It's MisShapes — the band. The music may suck, but we're sure their outfits are fantastic. [Page Six]
Now that sexual assault suspect Peter Braunstein is in custody, the real fun begins: reflecting on the past two months' search and angrily pointing fingers at every misstep along the way. Hurrah!
With every passing day, we seem to learn more and more about our favorite reviled hipster, Blackface Jesus. This morning, BfJ attended the rally for Howard Stern, and he sayeth: "What radio is for the baby, Sirius is for the soul." (Misshapes 3:18)
You've had a long week, kids, and you've earned your Friday treat: It's time for Blue States Lose, where we sort through the galleries of fucked-up hipsters at The Cobrasnake, Last Night's Party, Misshapes and Ambrel so you don't have to. Then we bring you our 10 favorites each Friday. After the jump, Joey Arak brings you the eye-bleeding magic.
• We know that it's not the art department's job to know much about politics, but someone should really help the poor fucks at Esquire brush up on the differences between Senator Joe McCarthy and Senator Gene McCarthy. [Off-Topic]
• Former Women's Wear Daily reporter and sexual assault suspect Peter Braunstein was spotted in Memphis two weeks ago. This is all we get after six years of no news on the matter? [Jossip]
• Bloomberg's Transit Strike Contingency Plan: "Commuters encountering MTA workers are asked to throw ROCKS, STONES and PEBBLES." [Cracked]
• You know why we mock hipsters? Because they're probably the ones buying stirrup pants from Urban Outfitters. [JJB]
• We also mock hipsters because they search for personal assistants who are familiar with MisShapes and wear "drainpipe/skinny jeans." This is why they invented suicide watches. [Craigslist]
• Britney Spears tops the Yahoo! Buzz Index as the most searched for term on the internet. Never underestimate the public interest in acne and trailer trash. [Reuters]
Above, quite possibly the perfect example of the Times gone wrong. This piece COULD be a totally great article, but we'd never know: We're not going to read anything with a hed like that.
• The Bad Santa display on East 18th Street is exactly why Christmas in New York is so fantastic and special. Now give us a bucket of Rudolph's blood! [FishbowlNY]
• It's a female face's worst nightmare, and a lonely vagina's dream come true: the mustache is making a comeback. [NYSun]
• CBS is in the midst of casting a reality-show pilot based around the Upper West Side's York Prep school. Think Laguna Beach, but too close for comfort. [NYM]
• A gay man is arrested for punching a cop. In a pot-kettle twist, the officer's name was Fagley. [Good as You]
• Having a substitute teacher was always a free day, but it's a definite party when the sub starts cutting rails. [USAT]
• Britney Spears fans, having a bit too much time on their hands, launch DivorceKevin.com. Next, her fans will teach the popster how to use the internet. [AdRants]
• LEOTARD! FANTASTIC! The Barbie! [Social Cavity]
An Amber Alert waiting to happen.
Earlier, we asked the masses:
We're sure you've been wondering what Blackface Jesus, our wonderfully offensive downtown mascot, has been up to lately. When not cruising his usual hipster spots, it seems that Blackface J has been mixing his carpentry with some global thought. From his MySpace blog:
From today's Page Six:
It's Friday — a cold, wet, gross Friday, even — and you know what that means. Not snow nor sleet nor an overwhelming urge to stop forcing ourselves to look at these fucked-up hipsters can keep us from our appointed mockery. Yup, it's time for Joey Arak and Blue States Lose, wherein we sort through the galleries at The Cobrasnake, Last Night's Party, Misshapes, and Ambrel so you don't have to. Then we bring you our 10 favorites each Friday. Enjoy.
• We've no idea if this is even halfway accurate or not, but the picture at right is circulating the internets as that of recent celebrity spawn Violet Affleck. If it turns out that this is just a civilian baby, we don't care: we just wuv the cutesy-poo baby cuddle-bug. Crap, now our ovaries are twitching... [Violet Ann Affleck]
• Bad news for fans of the Cartoon Network — no, not that Cartoon Network, but the one that delivered pot to your door. Seems your delivery dude got busted. [Newsday]
• Downtown auteur love dies another death, as the rich-hipster romance of director Spike Jonze and Yeah Yeah Yeah's lead freak Karen O. ends in a miserable implosion. [Productshop NYC]
• Available at the CNN store in the Time Warner Center, it's the CNN Holy Cross Necklace. Get it for a Fox News fan you love. [Encyclopedia Hanasiana]
• Okay, fine: Here are the Jennifer Aniston topless photos. We found her GQ side-boob shot to be far more flattering. [Save Manny]
• Rapper Foxy Brown is almost completely deaf. Frankly, we always assumed most hardcore rappers were. [Starpulse]
Sure, there are plenty of those "Are you a hipster?" quizzes out there, but isn't there an obvious problem with all of them? After all, the scene — like a baby with the brown-apple splatters — is always changing, which instantly dates such quizzes and renders them useless. Think about it: does anybody still hang out at Enid's or think Pianos is hipster ground zero? Of course not. Have you ever even heard of Pianos? Probably just in passing, when you hear old folks reminisce about the good ol' days of 2003.
It's no secret that Blackface Jesus is our new favorite downtown character, what with his half-naked traipsing and offensive facepaint. According to a reader, there is no limit to the depths of Blackface Jesus:
• It's the next, inevitable step in his path to righteousness: Blackface Jesus has a MySpace page. [MySpace]
• Virgin's Sir Richard Branson aims to make a television, internet and telephone empire, ultimately to take on Rupert Murdoch. Can a white knight topple the evil Aussie darklord? [Telegraph]
• The new face of fear looks like an email from Lexi Lehman. [The Three-Toed Sloth]
• We don't care WHAT you see on the cover of GQ; Jennifer Aniston's breasts are not for public consumption. [TSG]
• Mapping your failure on the Table of Contents. [Encyclopedia Hanasania]
