Oh my! Listen kids, whatever you do, don't ask Hillary Clinton about her husband's opinions on foreign affairs, because she will swallow you whole and eat you alive, just like she did this poor African student this afternoon!

Remember Laura Ling and Euna Lee, the journalists for Al Gore's Current.TV locked up in a North Korean prison for crossing that country's border? Well, since Gore and Hillary haven't been successful securing their release, they're sending in The Closer.

Ridiculous, panty-raiding Washington Post columnist Dana Milbank is partaking in further jackassery on behalf of the legendary paper yet again, now making videos where he's calling Hillary Clinton a "mad bitch." The Post pulled the video, but someone kept it.

Maureen Dowd has discovered that Sarah Palin actually embodies most of the misogynist stereotypes that Maureen Dowd has traditionally attributed to Hillary Clinton.

Chelsea Clinton is not marrying that "Marc Mezvinsky banker guy," according to Cindy Adams, who learns lots of stuff when she "weekends" in the Hamptons with Palin-obsessed Scientologist power couple John Coale and Greta van Susteren.

Our thoughts exactly: "[Hillary Clinton] professes to be amused, if baffled, by a recent column on the blog Daily Beast in which Tina Brown wrote, 'It's time for Barack Obama to let Hillary Clinton take off her burqa.'" [NYT]

Celebrity Twittering seems to be at an all-time high, which means it's time to brace for the inevitable comedown, when the fickle famous give up microblogging forever. Oprah Winfrey, ever the trend setter, is leading the charge.

Did you hear about how Alaska's greatest source of shame and humiliation announced that she was going to strike down anyone who takes her name in vain with great vengeance and furious anger, just like God? Oh yes she did!

Hillary Clinton broke her elbow last Wednesday at the State Department and underwent surgery on Friday. Today she canceled plans to travel to Italy and Greece for a series of meetings on Iran and the Middle East since she's still recovering from surgery. Clinton's injury, however, didn't stop her from putting on a brave face and appearing at the White House today for meetings with President Obama. Nor, it seems, did it stop the president's official photographer from snapping photos of the injured secretary of state and uploading them to Flickr either. [White House@Flickr, Washington Post]

The Olive Garden has pulled its ads—or maybe not!—from rapes-with-his-mouth David Letterman's late-night show about impregnating 14-year-old girls. Why would they do that? Because the PUMA crowd threatened a boycott. Of course. Wait, remember them?

Well what the heck is going on with the Obama White House? Those pansy-ass liberals are just falling apart over there! First Sonia Sotomayor breaks her ankle at the airport (Who does that?!) and now Hillary has fractured her elbow.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told George Stephanopoulos this morning that she initially refused Obama's offer before being wooed: "I gave him a bunch of other names...But he was quite persistent and very persuasive." [This Week/ABC]

[Secretary of State Hillary Clinton leaves the State Department with South Korean Foreign Minister Yu Myung-hwan today; image via Getty]

Our secretary of state is biding her time, waiting for just the right moment to strike, according to Richard Wolffe's book on the Obama campaign. And then, when we least expect it, she'll finally win the 2008 Democratic primary campaign. It's true!

• Kimora Lee Simmons and Djimon Hounsou had a baby boy over the weekend. [Us]
• Susan Boyle checked into a clinic on Saturday after suffering a "mental breakdown" following her loss on Britain's Got Talent. [NYDN, NYP]
• Kate Hudson successfully avoided Madonna at Saturday's polo match, which is a good thing since an encounter could have led to a "girl-on-girl showdown." [NYDN]
• Bill and Hillary are househunting, apparently. Per a friend: "There are some really massive estates that are incredibly cheap. Plus, it's a fun way to spend a weekend." [NYDN]
• As for Barack and Michelle, they spent Saturday in NYC, eating at Blue Hill before attending a performance of Joe Turner's Come and Gone. [NYDN, NYT]
• Eminem stormed out of the MTV Movie Awards after Sasha Baron Cohen landed in his lap, either because he was offended or because it was part of a pre-planned stunt. [P6, NYDN]
• Billy Bob Thornton's daughter has been arrested for child neglect. [People]
• Rumor has it Jennifer Hudson is pregnant. [People]

Scientologist macher John Coale hatched a crazy plan to forge an alliance between Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin, Politico reported this morning. In a rare—solitary?—display of good judgment, Palin turned him down.

Caroline Kennedy is denying the suggestion that she abandoned her bid to take over Hillary Clinton's vacant Senate seat because her children encouraged her to drop out. On the Today show this morning, Kennedy told Matt Lauer that her kids had nothing to do with it. "Anybody who knows my children and knows me knows that that is absolute nonsense," she said. You may want to take that denial with a grain of salt, though, especially given how Kennedy went on to sum up what will go down as one of the most mismanaged campaigns in state history: "All in all, it was a great experience for me." [NYT]

Sometimes I wish that just one time in a situation like this Obama would walk up to the microphone and say, "you know what...screw all y'all!" But a boy can dream, can't he?

Hillary Clinton spoke to the graduating class of NYU at Yankee Stadium today. Unlike last year, no naked men ran onto the field and interrupted the commencement exercise. (It may have helped that two dozen cops lined the infield.) But if graduates were a little nervous about heading off into the worst job market in decades, the Secretary of State had just the recipe to put their fears to rest. "For those of you still looking for jobs, we are hiring a new generation (at the State Department)." In other words, if all else fails and you can't find a single for-profit enterprise in America willing to hire you to make photocopies, there's always work to be done preventing nuclear proliferation and making peace in the Middle East. [NYDN]