MIT's student bloggers are grade-A. They write about everything. And the school loves them for it. But not all of America's schools are so keen on handing over the virtual reins. They should, though, because this internet thing's wild.

For the sake of fitness, American college students are being asked to waddle back to their all-you-can-eat cafeteria buffets each time they want a new plateful of hot ham-n-cheese sandwiches and ranch dressing-laden iceberg lettuce. Too much to ask?

Retiring Harvard professor Colonel Sanders Harvey Cox doddered onto Harvard Yard yesterday to graze his cow, as is his god damn right.

The Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs—the most popular journal—found that the binge-drinking and unprotected sex habits of students at America's drunkest colleges has barely changed since the early 90s. So what's the problem, right? High-five. [JSAD]

William Fitzsimmons, Harvard's dean of admissions, is taking questions on the New York Times' website. So far, 788 queries have been submitted. What do these questions tell us about American higher education? That it can make you crazy, times ten.

Yale art major Aliza Shvarts induced many throwups amongst people who read about her induced-abortion art project last year. But she also induced, uh, Yale not letting somebody have a blood drive, for art? Something something, "meaning." Yale!

Yale University Press is publishing a book about the Danish Muhammad cartoon controversy of 2005. But Yale will not publish any images of the cartoons, or Muhammad, because Yale University Press is run by freedom-disregarding accommodationist pussies.

Listicle publication Forbes says that the US Military Academy, of all places, is "America's Best College." Is that even allowed? Competitor listicle publication the Princeton Review has struck back with its own outrageously outside-the-box college ranking listicle items!

The spectrum of Fake Ass Jobs extends from jobs that are totally useless and made up (branding consultants, "generational consultants") to, on the other end, jobs that sound useful, but are actually borderline-criminal scams. Hello, "Independent College Counselor"!

Just like my high school history teacher told us, skipping college and getting a damn job instead is the smartest economic thing you could possibly do. Someone has proven it, using mathematics!

The Way We Live Now: Waiting for that last big score. The government won't let us stop working. The economy won't let us start working. We just go to college and dream of finding a box full of cash.

The players: Manhattan media playboy Jared Kushner's younger brother Joshua (pictured); Harvard students; rich people; and NYT faux-trend specialist Allen Salkin. It's a case where both an idea and the meta-coverage of the idea are equally enraging!

Hippie-infested Reed College still boasts one of the best naked Slip-n-Slide celebrations in the greater Portland area, but guess what it does not boast, now: poors. Only hippies who can pay $50K a year are allowed!

So, a young black man is murdered on the Harvard campus by another young black man; a black female Harvard student is kicked off campus as a result, and charges racism. Can you spot the elephant in this Ivy room?

American Poultry Queen Oprah Winfrey gave the commencement address to the starry-eyed, chickenless graduates of Duke University yesterday. Her message to them: I really love my private jet!

Did you know that it costs $54,000 to go to NYU for one year and learn how to be a failed revolutionary? Because of this, the school is "encouraging" poors to go fuck themselves.

Are you aware that rats "big enough to put saddles on" are currently streaming out of Harvard University's secret underground science experiment cave, in record numbers? We thought you should know.

The Way We Live Now: Very, very still. Americans have stopped moving. Colleges are liquidating everything except their students. Ebay is the new luxury!

The torturer in the video is UAE Royal Sheikh Issa bin Zayed al Nahyan. His brother is the Interior Minister, and his other brother is the head of the country, Sheikh Mohammed. He's the man whose name is plastered on NYU's Abu Dhabi campus, because he paid for it.

Some crazy fourth grade teacher in Texas (*Texas joke*) allowed her young charges to write sympathy notes to AIG, of all places, which made AIG execs absolutely weepy. Public education fails again: