Sarah Lawrence is America's most expensive college. It'll cost you a cool $59,000 to send your whelp there to sit shoeless on a grass lawn, becoming a lesbian. Why so pricey? The school's president has all sorts of dubious explanations.

We must beg your apologies for a brief delay in bringing you the very latest news in College Professor In-Class Sex Demonstration Scandals, but we think you'll be pleased with the most recent developments in the field. Jack Rappaport, an assistant professor of management at La Salle University in Philly, has been suspended while the school investigates allegations that he hired strippers to give lap dances at a $150 extra-credit symposium on "the application of Platonic and Hegelian ethics to business." What?

Philosophy! Not only are just about all of us ignorant of the field's meaning, teachings, and history—we're also ignorant of its gossip. That ends today, lucky philosophites! Everyone's talking about Philosophy Department sexual harassment.

Leading institute of higher learning Tufts has a "cherished tradition" in which lots of students there get roaring drunk one winter night and run naked through the quad. Classic American pastime, for pervs! But not any more.

The Supreme Court yesterday declined to review a federal appeals court ruling against the University of Wisconsin, which said that the school is required to fund religious groups and activities with its student activities budget. You know what that means!

Northwestern University: so awesome, it's too awesome for the President of Northwestern University. The crusty ol' prez is "launching an investigation" into the recent hot sexxxy in-class fucksaw demonstration for a Northwestern psychology class. What's the matter, Morton Schapiro— didn't get enough hot live fucksaw action the first time around?

The University of California San Diego was the scene of America's goofiest college race war last year. It started with a "KKK-style hood" placed atop a statue of Dr. Seuss, then progressed to a funny ha-ha white frat boy "Compton Cookout," which was followed by the typical earnest college-style protests and tortured soul-searching rhetoric. Oh we forgot about the noose in the library! That happened, too.

Cindy Mauro and Alini Brito, the two Brooklyn high school teachers who were fired after a janitor allegedly caught them in flagrante delicto (lesbian edition) right in a classroom, are suing the City of New York for $2 million. Their reputations have now been ruined, as people think they are sexxxy lesbians! When in fact, they say, Mauro was "simply
tending to Brito's needs by giving her candy and sugar," hahahahaha. True quote (of the year)!

Breaking newsworthy news story: a college, in America, will not charge as much this year as it did last year. That's right: Sewanee, the University of the South, in Tennessee, will cost 10% less this year than the $46,000 it cost last year. This moderate price cut at an otherwise unremarkable regional college earned stories in the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, and the Washington Post.

It began as a simple racial slur by a white frat boy at the University of Alabama. But over the past week, college-based racism in America has snowballed into a certifiable trend. Observe:

A University of Rhode Island professor of "entrepreneurial management" has been arrested for felony mortgage fraud. Entrepreneurial!

As we've heard, our nation's college students are quite mentally unstable. In fact, the results of a new survey say our college freshmen are more stressed than ever before. Is it debt? Insecurity? Inferiority? Or is it...rave parties?

The number of applications to Columbia University shot up by 32% this year. Why? Probably because state schools suck and other NYC colleges are banning smoking, while Columbia has readily available drugs and awesome professors. Plus, Columbia=cool.

A sunny reenactment of recent trends in American higher education: due to the recession, enrollment rises. Due to the recession, state funding was down. Federal stimulus funds provide momentary rescue! And now: federal funds end. States are still broke. Urgh.

Martin Gaskell is an astronomer who studies quasars. He's also a Christian who questions evolution. The University of Kentucky decided not to hire him at least partly because of his religious views. Now Gaskell's won a settlement over it. Good.

To succeed in America, you must get a college degree. To get a college degree, you must go into a soul-crushing amount of debt. And what do you get for all that money? Not learning. College kids don't learn stuff.

You're a college professor. A student's missing class because she's just given birth. Do you a) send an email to the entire class polling them on what grade she should get? Or b) anything but that? One professor chose "A."

The meaning of grades, explained! Hurdles, hurdled! Teachers, sexxxily harassed! Science fairs, endangered! Manga, fake classes held! Science, professionalized! Books, criticized! Data, supersized and atomized! It's your Monday Education Watch, where we watch education—because it's a free country!

Over the past decade, the percentage of college students visiting school counseling centers who are "coping with serious mental illness" has more than doubled. What's happening here? Better legal psychiatric drugs? Worse illegal hallucinogenic drugs? Psht. We blame Wal-Mart.

"Shit happens," Hawaii community college philosophy teacher Daniel Petersen tells his students, and Osama bin Laden could "kill you and your goddamn god." For this provocative philosophical cussing, some girl's dad complained, and now Daniel Petersen's out of a job.