No Darvon! Airport smoking! Lou Gehrig's disease! Gym grunting! Flu shots! Racewalking! Nigerian curses! And mental illness is a call to arms! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while hallucinating and self-medicating in a nonstop cycle!

  • Say goodbye to Darvon, the once-popular painkiller. The FDA is pulling it from the market "because it can cause fatal heart rhythms." Then again plenty of painkiller can cause fatal no heart rhythm, so why be picky?
  • So-called experts are "concerned" about the fact that one in four major US airports still allow smoking, in designated smoking rooms. But get this, they're concerned about what this might do to the people outside the smoking rooms. So much for "experts."
  • Yes, Lou Gehrig did have Lou Gehrig's disease. So stop saying he had scoliosis trichinosis halitosis, you horrible, disrespectful people.
  • How much grunting in the gym while weightlifting is "too much?" Some gyms say screaming powerfully on your lifts "disturbs" the other gymgoers. These gyms suck big time, QED.
  • Nobody even wants to get a flu shot any more now that we found out swine flu was manufactured by the same Illuminati that created AIDS and invented crack. Nice try, Babylon.
  • Is "racewalking" a legitimate activity in which human beings should partake, without fear of embarrassment? Certainly not, but if you're a couched-potato with bad ankles, weak knees, and an arthritic hip, it's an excusable pastime under cover of darkness.
  • Ever cognizant of the danger of head injuries while motorcycling in crowded urban areas, Nigerians are protecting themselves with thin cloth hats designed to ward off evil spells that might be placed on motorcycle helmets. Interesting.
  • Only one in five of your fellow Americans is mentally ill. I believe that with lots of cable television and thorough exposure to pop culture, combined with a steady diet of Taco Bell and canned domestic malt liquor, we can double that in five years. Get to fucking yourself up, America!