• The case of the mercury-tainted sushi lives on: Chris Kattan ran into Jeremy Piven backstage during a taping of Alexa Chung's MTV show last week and made a crack about Piven's short stint on Broadway; a very offended Piven responded by calling Kattan's entire career into question. [NYDN]
• Madonna's Brazilian-born boy toy, Jesus Luz, is more than just a model: He's now a DJ, too. [P6]
• Bethenny Frankel is no fan of Gwyneth Paltrow: "I'd rather staple my eyelids shut than watch Gwyneth cook." We're going to assume the feeling is mutual. [NYDN]
• In what amounted to a two-way publicity stunt, Kathy Griffin and Levi Johnston (better known as Bristol Palin's baby daddy) turned up to the Teen Choice Awards last night holding hands. [Us]

Pity poor Gwyneth Paltrow. If being the wife of a rock star, a movie star and a writer of death-cult newsletters weren't hard enough, she's also forced to deal with the stupid "roaches" in the media at Manhattan charity galas.

• The mother of Jude Law's baby has been revealed: She's some actress/model named Samantha Burke. [TMZ]
• Jon Gosselin is shopping around a new reality show since he has a couple hundred kids to support and could really use the cash. [P6]
• Joe Jackson is confirming that Michael had a "love child" who is now a Norwegian dancer named Omer Bhatti. Welcome to the family, young man. [NYDN]
• Kanye West is the "new King of Pop," he says: "First there was Elvis, then there was Michael. Now in the 21st century it's Kanye's time to rule." [NYDN]

• The latest model to design clothes? That would be Jessica Stam, who is now collaborating with Rag & Bone. [SF, F'gie]
• Related: Hussein Chalayan isn't too impressed with models who think of themselves as fashion designers. [Cut]
• The day in Anna Wintour: Some people seem to think she's gone "power crazy" thanks to her price fixing proposal. Oh, and in case you were wondering, she isn't a big fan of reality TV. [P6, F'gie]

Jon Gosselin's pissed Kate Major's lying about them being together. Another parent peddles her kids for money when really, she should be a Spider Man villain. Lindsay Lohan gives me Gwyneth's GOOPy runs. Happy Saturday Morning, here we go:

• According to Epicurious, the best burger in NYC is at DuMont's. [Epicurious]
• Mike Satsky and Brian Gefter, owners of the now-shuttered Stereo, plan to open a new spot called Provocateur in the Gansevoort Hotel this fall. [P6]
• The long-delayed, brunch-only spot Permanent Brunch opens Monday. [GS]
• A roundup of recent restaurant closings around town. [Eater]
• A roundup of where various celebs supposedly dined this week. [GS]
• That video of Gwyneth Paltrow cooking roast chicken? Until recently, she claimed she was a vegan and hadn't eaten meat in 15 years. [NYDN]

Katie Holmes appears on So You Think You Can Dance (Video!), Gerard Butler is getting fat, Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler reunite, Gwyneth Paltrow cooks a chicken, Avril Lavigne parties really hard and Gwen Stefani looks pretty damn good.

• Is Thomas Keller opening a new resto in NYC? Depends who you ask. [TFB]
• The animal rights group that staged a foie gras protest outside Momofuku Noodle Bar back in May will return to the scene once again on Sunday. [GS]
• Word has it Rande Gerber's Stone Rose is exiting Time Warner Center. [P6]
• Speaking of exits, Frank Bruni will step down as the Times' restaurant critic in just 21 days. Eater offers up a few guesses as to his replacement. [Eater]
• Café Boulud will be providing the food when the Surrey Hotel reopens. [VV]
• Village on West 9th has closed. So has Midtown's City Burger. [GS, ML]
• The vast majority of the chocolate that Jacques Torres sells is manufactured in Brussels, Belgium, not at his NYC factories. Just so you know. [Forbes]
• Want to watch Gwyneth Paltrow roast a kitchen? Go right ahead. [GoaG]

Jon Gosselin just can't get enough ass, the Bush daughters were unholy terrors for the Secret Service, some Russian guy is sending death threats to Britney Spears, Michael Jackson's doctor is in hiding and Cameron Diaz parties with Jude Law.

• New details have emerged about Mischa Barton's involuntary trip to the hospital last week: According to the Post and the Sun, Barton was "so high on coke following a marathon three-day bender" that friends thought she might kill herself, and contacted the police. [NYP, Sun]
• Yet another fashion publicist is in legal trouble, apparently. Tim Mark Garcia, the new head of public relations for Marc Jacobs, is out on bond on "plunder" charges and is now facing extradition back to the Philippines. [P6]
• Not surprisingly, billionaire financier Pete Peterson is said to be "mortified" over how his grandson, PC, has come off on the Bravo show NYC Prep. [P6]
• French president Nicolas Sarkozy was in NYC this weekend. And he showed off his "chiseled" body when he went jogging in Central Park. [NYDN]

Britney is converting to Judaism, Gwyneth is brainwashing her GOOP death cult into thinking that a cleansed colon is the way to God, Jeremy Piven preaches the horrors of fish and Katy Perry frolics in a bikini in Turkey.

Gwyneth Paltrow, while mostly annoying with her faux Britishness and William Joel-ing, has made at least one good and simple point. Especially as we leave work behind and try to enjoy a holiday weekend. The constant BlackBerrying? Getting really annoying.

Gwyneth Paltrow is well aware that a sizeable percentage dislikes her immensely. So why is she making it worse? Who knows, but she is. In an interview with the AP—one which Gwynnie apparently conducted in "almost perfect Spanish"—she said Spain has become a "second home" to her, adding that Spain is full of history whereas the U.S. is shiny, tacky and new: "Here in the United States an old building is about 17 (years old), and over there it's from 500 B.C., it's incredible." Then she reflected on how much more relaxing things are in Spain. "They seem to enjoy life a little bit more. They aren't running around as much as in New York. They enjoy time with the family. They don't always have their Blackberries on." This is true, no doubt. Life really is more pleasant when you're vacationing in Spain and not forced to, like, go to work every day in the concrete jungle of NYC. And aren't you happy Gwynnie put down her class of Sangria for a few minutes today to give this interview and point that fact out to you? We certainly are. [AP]

Elle is letting LiLo off the hook over the jewels everyone seems convinced that she stole, two cops try to blackmail Sarah Jessica Parker/Matthew Broderick, Mariah Carey will star in a London play and Justin Timberlake loves tequila shots.

• This is a bizarre one: Two police chiefs in Ohio are now under investigation for allegedly breaking into the home of the surrogate mom hired by Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick in an effort to dig up dirt on the woman, which they then planned to sell to the tabloids or use to blackmail the couple. [Us, E!, NYDN]
• Madonna is gearing up for the arrival of baby Mercy. Gwynnie is helping to decorate and Mercy's room will supposedly feature "porcelain dolls, antique teddy bears, a library of leather-bound children's books and ancient maps of Africa to adorn the walls." [Sun]
• It looks like Lindsay Lohan is off the hook for that $400,000 jewel heist the other day. So at least there's one thing looking up for her. [NYDN]

• Paris Hilton reportedly broke up with boyfriend Doug Reinhardt after she saw him partying with a "Texas beauty queen" named Kendhal Beal. The heiress responded by throwing a fit (and some fruit and ice in Beal's direction). But don't you worry about Paris. She's got her dependable sister by her side. And she's already moved on to someone new, namely soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo. [P6, People]
• Madonna will be performing her Kabbalah rituals today with an extra bit of enthusiasm: Malawi's highest court has overturned its previous ruling and has granted her adoption of Mercy James. Justice to the people! [DM]
• Dr. Drew Pinsky of Celebrity Rehab is offering Lindsay Lohan six figures to appear on his VH1 reality show. But only because he cares deeply about her well-being, not because he's interested in ratings or anything. [NYP]

• It looks like it's over for Paris Hilton and boyfriend Doug Reinhardt. Please excuse us while we go get a big box of tissues; we really weren't mentally prepared for news this upsetting this morning. [People, Sun]
• A couple of weeks ago, it was Gwynnie Paltrow who was getting blamed for setting A-Rod up with Kate Hudson. Now real estate "superagent" Adam Modlin is taking credit for brokering the transaction. Go figure. [NYDN]
• Maybe Kanye West and Amber Rose didn't break up, after all. Or maybe they did break up, but they're spending a lot of time together anyway? It's a mystery, really. [P6]
• Coco Rocha is not going to be an intern at Vogue this summer. She's just spending a lot of time there so she can "learn more about the business." [WWD]

Credit where credit is due: Tracy Anderson, exercise guru and personal trainer to Gwyneth and Madonna, knows how to fake it till you make it. Indianapolis Monthly has a very detailed story about Anderson's rather sketchy habit of failing to pay her rent, business partners and sewage bills, even while she, herself, was staying at $1,500-a-night hotels. Long before she was famous or successful, Anderson misrepresented herself as a former Pink Power Ranger (really) and "hired a celebrity photographer for promotional photos, drove a luxury SUV through a neighborhood where her husband was thousands of dollars behind on homeowners-association dues, signed leases for businesses but didn't pay the rent, and lived in a meticulously maintained Noblesville subdivision but didn't pay the sewer bill."

Leo the Great dumped Bar Refaeli, Britney Spears is banging her agent at William Morris, Miley Cyrus dumped her boyfriend and is after Nick Jonas, Lauren Conrad's new novel will be horrendous, and David Carradine bought lots of sex toys.

Did you see Gwyneth Paltrow on the Tonight Show tonight? We just watched it and can't figure out what the hell was going on with her legs in the first segment!