According to my good friend Ted, who I only mocked out of love and friendship and Ted I’m sorry, we might not actually have to say goodbye just yet. Because Ted’s “open” to coming back.

Over the course of this election race, it’s remained unclear exactly what type of friend Donald Trump is. But if his ideas about international friendships are anything to go on, we can likely hazard a guess that he’s a pretty crappy one.

“I’ve been thinking about turning evil for a while, you know, going to the dark side,” said a caricature of former Republican presidential Ted Cruz, with great irony.

Using the phrase “know your place” when referring to a woman is almost unequivocally inappropriate. But in this particular case, regarding former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, it is the only phrase that comes to mind.

Donald Trump, a man whose misogyny knows no bounds, thinks that Hillary Clinton’s controversial remarks about handling men “going off the reservation” are “very demeaning” to men.

Ted Cruz, a man who steps on the face of an endangered animal every time he strolls across his office, has empathy. Really!

Donald Trump is squeezing the pillars of the Republican party, and one by one, each is crumbling into a pathetic pile of post-ideological rubble.

For a man who is such an important father figure for bigots all across this great country, Donald Trump is not acting very fatherly.

Charles Koch, a man whose pockets are spilling with oil and whose brain is brimming with political schemes, may be getting soft in his old age.

As if John Kasich’s presidential race couldn’t get sadder, now he’s got the Republican frontrunner bullying him into getting out.

Let’s run down the list of good things about working for the presidential campaign of current Republican frontrunner Donald Trump:

John Kasich, a man whose passion for deli food is matched only by the desperation of his wild clawing at an office that is by no means within his reach, has a lot of thoughts on what women should and shouldn’t do at a party.

John Kasich continues to masquerade his Guy Fieri-sponsored food tour of America for a presidential campaign. This weekend, he stopped in at a deli in New York City’s Upper West Side. The Republican presidential candidate, never one to turn down an inappropriate amount of food, quickly went to town.

Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz has been doing quite a lot of dildo talk these days.

The first step to fixing a problem is to simply acknowledge its existence.

Donald Trump, as is his wont, gave an absolutely bonkers interview this week, this time to venerate reporters Bob Woodward and Robert Costa of The Washington Post. The transcript, which reads like the transcript of a young child’s screed about wanting to be king of the playground, is chock-full of bizarre ramblings from the Republican presidential frontrunner. And through it all, Woodward and Costa try in vain, sometimes hilariously so, to get a single coherent answer out of Trump.

Donald Trump’s abortion policy, like his hair, is a confusing mess of ever-changing threads, all of which are at odds with one another.

At long last, Donald Trump has admitted that he will probably not support a Republican nominee other than himself. “We’ll see who it is,” Trump said on Tuesday night. “I have been treated very unfairly.” This, of course, comes after he pledged to support the Republican nominee regardless of who it is.

Erstwhile presidential candidate and public sad man Jeb Bush endorsed Ted Cruz in a statement posted to Facebook page this morning.

The wrath of God is swift and just, and it has chosen the head of Donald Trump.