Soccer players are sexy. It's the constant running and propensity to rip off their shirts after scoring, I guess. Rather than take a look at the U.S. team's chances at the World Cup, let's just take a look at them.

Rush Limbaugh is getting married in a super-secret ceremony at his Palm Beach mansion on Saturday. We wanted to wish him well. So we rented a banner-toting plane to fly over his house during the event. What should it say?

Jersey Shore creator SallyAnn Salsano says she hands out herpes medication Valtrex "like M&Ms" to "everyone on the set." She also called the show a "herpes nest." Don't forget to brush your teeth after you vomit! [THR via NYP]

[Even smart little boys like Christopher S. Rupprecht couldn't help making silly faces while he waited his turn at the Scripps National Spelling Bee competition in Washington D.C. yesterday. Image via Getty]

[Failed Celebrity Apprentice contestant Rod Blagojevich was looking for a fight today when he arrived at court in Chicago to defend himself on corruption charges. Image via Getty]

Mogul spawn Ivanka Trump has signed a deal to start a Trump handbag line. You can now wear Trump shoes and Trump jewelry while trumping from Trump World Tower to the Trump National Golf Club for a Trump steak. TRUMP!

At a press conference for her new show Bethenny Getting Married, the never-actually-a-housewife Housewife confirmed rumors that she probably won't be returning for a fourth season of the show what made her. "What else is there to do?" she said.

In your disputatious Thursday media column: M.I.A. wins an editor's note on her New York Times profile, Le Monde needs a rich friend, two high-profile retirements, and Nate Silver is moving up in the world.

Avatar and Titanic director James Cameron is shocked that the "morons" at BP rejected his offer to show them how to solve the oil spill. He directed a movie about a maritime crisis, once, why wouldn't they want his wisdom?

The X Factor-winning belter is basically the Archie Andrews of pop music. She recently fell down an elevator shaft during a concert. In recent months she's been headbutted by her horse and punched in the face by a fan. Oof.

[Our most gullible vice president, Joe Biden, forked over big bucks today for a bridge in Brooklyn. OK, he was actually kicking off a $500 million renovation project of the famous landmark. So, same thing. Image via Getty]

Sally Quinn is the wife of legendary Washington Post newsman Ben Bradlee. Sally Quinn has dedicated her life to the most petty, self-regarding, insular interpretation of what "Washington" means. Now comes a new profile of Sally Quinn. She is bad.

Gird your loins, lads and ladies of New York. Prince of England and King of Sex Harry Windsor is headed back to our city this summer for a Veuve Clicquot polo match on Governor's Island. It's open to the public!

A deal's reportedly in place for incompetent NBC Universal boss Jeff Zucker to leave the company "a couple of months" after Comcast closes its acquisition. Then he can become another vacuous, wealthy politician. The personification of the American Dream! [NYP]

M.I.A. was so pissed about her New York Times Magazine profile that she tweeted writer Lynn Hirschberg's phone number and then made a diss track about her. What a baby, right? Well. She had a good reason to be mad.

[A Bonhams auction house worker hangs a Picasso next to a Chagall. The portrait, of Picasso's friend Mr. Minguell, was completed when the artist was 20 and is better than anything you will do in your lifetime. Pic via Getty]

[To celebrate the 50th anniversary of cardiopulmonary resuscitation, hundreds stopped by San Francisco's City Hall this morning to learn the life-saving technique. There wasn't one misunderstanding about mouth-to-mouth and making out, like there usually is on sitcoms. Image via Getty]

Hedge funder Phil Falcone and his wife Lisa Maria have a grand vision for the $49 million townhouse they bought from Bob Guccione. A peek at their plans show the redesigned home will be as eccentrically awesome as the original.

For whatever reason, Padma Lakshmi hasn't publicly named the father of Krishna, her newborn baby. Most gossips initially thought it was tech investor Adam Dell. But now they're second-guessing themselves. So who is the dad?

Huzzah, it's time for another risible media query from Help a Reporter Out, where flacks and desperate journalists connect. Put on your thinking caps: Can you come up with a bright side to this oil spill? Anyone? [UPDATED below].