Soccer players are sexy. It's the constant running and propensity to rip off their shirts after scoring, I guess. Rather than take a look at the U.S. team's chances at the World Cup, let's just take a look at them.

America's national pastime is baseball and our winter obsession is football, but the problem with both of those is that the guys stand around for long periods of time doing nothing but getting fat. Not so with soccer—or football, as the rest of the world calls it. These guys work hard. And they sweat. And then they get naked. And then they rub all over each other. It's almost more than we can handle.

When the action begins for the World Cup in South Africa on June 11, we may tune in for a game or two to root for our boys in blue but, let's be honest, they don't stand a chance. What we're really going to be waiting for is the promise of hot man flesh. Here are our favorite members of the team, in order of preference based on nothing but their appearance. What? We're not above being shallow.


Carlos Bocanegra
 Pros: The squad captain has a gorgeous masculine face like he's a GI Joe come to life. Put that together with his dark, brooding features and he is very hard to resist.
Cons: This defender doesn't like to take his shirt off. What a waste.

[Image via Getty]


Oguchi Onyewu
 Pros: The body, the skin, the hair in all the right places. Yeah, Oguchi can score whenever he wants.
Cons: He sometimes has unfortunate facial hair configurations and we have absolutely no clue how to pronounce his name, which will make screaming it in ecstasy rather difficult.

[Image via Getty]

Jay DeMerit
 Pros: We like our boys a little bit mean and rock 'n' roll and Jay looks like he would rough you up then kiss your bruises.
Cons: Maybe looks a little too much like Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

[Image via Getty]

Landon Donovan
 Pros: The conventional dreamboat of the crew, he has no problem getting half naked on the field or in the pages of Vanity Fair.
Cons: There's an unfortunate balding situation.

[Image via Getty]

Stuart Holden
 Pros: The blonde twink of the bunch, he can help you fulfill your jock and Prince Harry fantasies at the same time.
Cons: Um, after this incident, his babymaker might not be in full effect.

[Image via Getty]

Tim Howard
 Pros: There is just something about the upper arm tattoos on this Mr. Clean wannabe that makes us want to get dirty.
Cons: He's a goalie, so he's usually wearing long sleeves and just standing around.

[Image via Getty]

DaMarcus Beasley
 Pros: Yes, he's as gorgeous as the rest and he's often pictured getting close with fellow player Frankie Hejduk.
Cons: Sadly his lover (in our minds at least) Frankie didn't make the final cut for the squad.

[Image via Getty]

Benny Feilhaber
 Pros: For an American, Benny has a look like young European nobility, with dark hair and blue eyes. He is nothing short of dreamy.
Cons: He always looks very stoic in pictures, which means he's either an animal in bed or just incredibly boring.

[Image via Getty]

Jonathan Bornstein
 Pros: He looks like the hottest guy in your high school—not so beautiful he's unattainable and sweet enough to be entirely approachable.
Cons: A touch on the skinny side.

[Image via Getty]

Clarence Gooson
 Pros: On his best days, there is something very Michael Phelpsian about him, which reminds us of winning and gorgeous young men who like bongs. Also, he likes to celebrate by embracing Stuart Holden, which is how we would celebrate too.
Cons: On his worst days, he looks like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo come to life.

[Image via Getty]