Peggy Noonan. White. A white woman, yes, a Manhattanite, but a vital white woman, a woman of opinions, of breathing, of warbling on Sunday talk shows, about America—this America. This country. This great city, New York, where Peggy Noonan sips a gin fizz, contemplates that good American, Ronald Reagan (yes, a good man), and ventures forth—outwards, into the great bustling metropolis—to see what she can see. Lo! Peggy Noonan is surrounded by nonwhites. And what is that awful noise?

Taylor Swift, the sophomore so cool all the teachers know her name, has slammed ex-boyfriend John Mayer in an interview for the November issue of Glamour, saying he was "presumptuous" for implying he was the subject of her anti-John Mayer anthem Dear John.

First off—there is no such thing as "the media." The people and entities who shape our political coverage represent a fractured, disaggregated, chaotic mass of divergent agendas and interests. While they often display pack behavior, they do not operate as a coordinated monolith. But that doesn't mean they're being fair to Mitt Romney. They're not.

After British reports of upcoming bacon shortages last month led people whose whole identity is defined by the fact that they enjoy bacon and even sometimes consume it in unexpected ways -like chopped into tiny pieces and inserted into a chocolate bar- to begin selling off choice plots in the family cemetery lot in exchange for packages of frozen hog hash, American agricultural economists have stepped forward to soothe us all.

Imagine what it must be like to be the editor of globalism's Rain Man, Thomas Friedman. Your job, ostensibly, is to hammer this man's prose into some semblance of logical readability, and yet he has built a fabulously lucrative career on his total lack of logic, readability, or, really, variety of any kind. Clearly, his editors have now made the only sensible choice: "Eh, just put that shit right in the paper exactly how he typed it on his Blackberry." (*Big shot of heroin*)

We turn our backs on Lisa Marie Presley for one second and what does she do? Starts selling French fries out of the back of a van.

Yesterday a photograph made the rounds on the internet purporting to show Bad Brains frontman H.R. and Brooke Shields sitting together on a couch, with Shields leaning over and lighting what appeared to be a marijuana pipe. Which would be amazing. A spokesperson for Shields quickly denied that it's her. But Bad Brains' management has issued a statement to Gawker claiming that the photo indeed shows H.R. and Shields getting high together in 1983.

Another day, another strong endorsement for a whirlwind summer romance culminating in teen marriage from a member of the Kennedy clan.

In what is likely a little more than a calculated maneuver to reclaim the clothes of his that Kristen Stewart has been wearing, public cuckold and fake vampire for money Robert Pattinson has deigned to live once again with the woman who stole his heart and t-shirt and hat.

Lil rapper Lil Wayne is currently embroiled in a lawsuit against Quincy Jones III, documentary filmmaker and son of the more popular Quincy Jones.

Team Breezy continues to be buffeted by gale force winds of legal misfortune: a California judge has just ordered further review of Chris Brown's community service and travel history, to determine whether he violated the terms of his five year probation, established following his 2009 beating of Rihanna.

Affluent Imagineer Mitt Romney has some exciting new proposals for the future of airplane design, according to some remarks he made to the L. A. Times at a fundraiser in Beverly Hills Saturday Night.

Sofía Vergara's ass cheeks made a bold leap for freedom last night, bursting through the back of her dress just before their minder was due onstage to accept an Emmy.

Houston police officer Matthew Jacob Marin shot and killed a one-armed, one-legged man in a wheelchair inside a group home because he felt threatened by a "metal object" the double amputee was waving. The "metal object?" A pen.

Like it has so many of you, Blake Lively's wedding to Canada's sweetheart Guy That Canada Wrought Ryan Reynolds has affected me personally in innumerable ways.

Well, he didn't "lose" it, really. A tiger took it, with its mouth.

Mitt Romney has just released his long-awaited 2011 tax returns, and guess what? He deliberately overpaid his 2011 federal tax burden so he wouldn't look like an avaricious plutocrat gaming the system. Which is just bizarre.

Much like how everyone listens with bated breath when a drunk uncle gives an impromptu toast at a wedding (Will he make an inappropriate comment about the couple's sex life? Will he point at the best man and say something a little bit racist?), so was the nation captivated by Vice President Joe "Big Fuckin'" Biden at the Democratic National Convention earlier this month.

Happy Friday! There's one less annoying music act in the world.

A sex tape starring Kanye West and a married 18-year-old "Kim Kardashian lookalike" is allegedly on the market — much to Yeezy's chagrin.