WEB 2.0 SUMMIT — Kleiner Perkins venture capitalist John Doerr is the last scheduled speaker of the Web 2.0 Summit. He starts in 45 minutes. 5:05 on a Friday? Who stuck him with that slot? Anyway, it's just in time for happy hour, we say. Make his lecture fun by printing out this page and playing along with our John Doerr drinking game. Before you head into the hall and take your seat, fill your flask and bring a box of Kleenex. That and our cheat sheet will help you power through the end of the conference.

What to make of the latest episode of sexually explicit content, a drunken, topless lesbian make-out session, broadcast live on Justin.tv? We recall Jeff Goldblum's character in "Jurassic Park," mathematician Dr. Ian Malcolm, delivering the profound line, "Life will out." You cannot contain people's lives to PG-rated material on a site dedicated to "lifecasting." Warnings and threats of banning simply won't matter. In the wee hours of the night, DJ Structure enticed two lady friends into titillating his viewers with a reenactment from Girls Gone Wild — lesbian kissing, topless petting, and butt display. Justin.tv's policy of forbidding nudity and adult content could never prevent the arousing episode from going out live, and staying available for several hours, while Justin.tv's staff slept.

Turns out I wasn't the only person kicked out of the MySpace party last night. A tipster writes in:

Vimeo added high-definition videos to its site today. On hearing the news, Silicon Alley Insider yawned. "Streaming videos that are four times as sharp costs four times as much, and video companies are having a hard enough time making a living off of the crappy-definition stuff." I'm just worried this means founder Jakob Lodwick will add HD videos to his large collection of topless photos. What does an attention whore look like in high-def?

Those of us who actually work all day at our tech startup jobs — unlike AOL staffers, apparently — saw the drunken, typo-strewn missive from an AOL employee and thought, whoa, seems funny but I've no time to read all this — can you text me a summary? Here's the SMS-sized edit of the AOL epic.

"You can drink your pain away, but it usually takes substantial amounts of alcohol," an AOLer writes us. The rambling email proves he was up to the challenge. When your employer is shedding a fifth of its staff, why not down a fifth of your pantry's finest Scotch? And they say not to drunk-dial you ex-girlfriend, but drunk-emailing a gossip blog? Gentle readers, never avoid the temptation. The email, in all its drunken-typo glory, after the jump. Bring your drinking shoes.

Alas, poor Marissa Mayer, the Google executive who used to date company cofounder Larry Page. Her long workdays, documented in endless magazine profiles, have taken a toll on her love life. She broke up with former boyfriend Dave Jeske, another Googler, more than a year ago. No dating on the horizon, though: Her Facebook profile lists her as "single" and interested only in "friendship" and "random play." The latter, according to a quick poll of our friends, is Facebook code for one-night stands or makeout sessions. Maybe she'll get some of that at this weekend's Stanford reunion, which her profile says she's planning to attend. All of this, of course, is way more information than is listed in her profile on Orkut, Google's also-ran social network. And, perhaps, more information than anyone wanted to know.

Last week's press party in Google's New York offices brought lots of coverage of the search engine's Chelsea quarters. But leave it to the girlfriend of a Googler, a decidedly non-media civilian, to give us the most detailed picture of the Googleplex East. Last week, she visited her beau at work and blogged her impression of his daily surroundings, pointing out unspoken truths like how no one at Google smokes and that there are remarkably few African-American Google employees. The highlight of the report, however, is her disappointment in the Google bathrooms.

A tipster just sent in a snapshot of Google cofounders Larry Page and Sergey Brin getting their groove on at the Googleplex East party held earlier this week in New York. The pic, after the jump.

If, like me, you've been rooting for filthy-rich dotcom entrepreneur Mark Cuban, then take heart: The grace-challenged terpsichorean has made it to the next round on ABC's "Dancing with the Stars." But he may not have won new fans with his moment of exultation: Wearing an ubergay sleeveless shirt, he pumped his arms straight up in the air, exposing his hairy, sweaty armpits. Then again, maybe you're into that kind of thing.

Internet billionaire and Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban takes the stage again on ABC's "Dancing with the Stars." As I watched this, I had three thoughts: "Wow, that outfit is gay, even for 'Dancing with the Stars'"; "Mark Cuban is a really good bad dancer"; and "Those are not spirit fingers! These are spirit fingers!" Still, Cuban is the geekiest contestant on the show this season, so give him a little love, won't you?

Lawyers feigning cool are the latest YouTube phenomenon. Why? Recruiting. Apparently the only way law firms can attract young lawyers-to-be is to blatantly hype the fun level at the workplace through "Mac vs. PC" parodies and bouncing about, Google-style, on giant rubber balls. But what will clients think when they get a look at all the tomfoolery? Check out Choate Hall & Stewart's campaign. Two questions: Would you work here? And would you hire these people to represent you in court?

Comedienne Kathy Griffin describes her post-Emmy Awards date with Apple cofounder Steve Wozniak: "He downloaded my private parts."

Valleywag readers deliver. Earlier today, we asked for photos from the hedonistic gathering thrown by Electronic Frontier Foundation cofounder John Perry Barlow on Saturday night. Lo and behold, in popped these cell phone shots, purported to be from the event, sent to us without any explanation or description of the party. Though we think they speak for themselves. We don't recognize any tech luminaries among the garters and facepaint, though commenter GinaMuchava suspects there was at least one in attendance. Anyone have any more info? A copy of the guest list would be much appreciated. After the jump, an additional view of the event.

John Perry Barlow, pictured, the former lyricist for the Grateful Dead, cofounder of the Electronic Frontier Foundation, and one-time roommate of Valley bad boy Sean Parker, threw a party Saturday as a benefit for The Center for Sex & Culture. It's too bad this invitation arrived late, because the party sounded like a doozy, with the promised attendance of "Famous porn stars, infamous porn stars, and miscellaneous sluts." Does anyone who went have a report? And pictures please? The long, insane, and hilarious invitation after the jump.

Only the more grizzled members of San Francisco's press corp even remember Comdex. The once-legendary — and infamous — tech expo was hot well into the '90s, but it rapidly fell to pieces as it overexpanded. As desperate gadget hawkers tried to lure attendees to see their wares, they hired comely "booth babes" to staff their exhibits. TechCrunch40, the Web 2.0 startup conference organized by TechCrunch editor Michael Arrington and entrepreneur Jason Calacanis, is infinitely smaller than Comdex ever was. But the comparison is still apt. Bypassing Comdex's successful years, TechCrunch40 is going straight for the seedy, desperate late stage of Comdex, as these two short-shorts-wearing publicity-mongers prove. (Photo by Myles Weissleder)

It's traditional for software developers to put their names on a product. When you launch Photoshop, for example, a long list of small-type names flashes on the screen while the product loads. But pictures? That's an innovation, as far as I know. Engineers at Xobni, the email-software startup which just presented at the TechCrunch40 conference and launched its first product in beta, pasted in photos of themselves that display when their software finishes installing. Perhaps they'll get some dates for their trouble. If not users.

Now here's a perk: We hear that Google's New York office gets local employees on the list of three clubs every weekend, so they don't have to wait in line with the bridge-and-tunnel crowd. While somehow we doubt Google's HR department houses the hippest arbiters of Gotham nightlife, we suspect that Google's Big Apple-based geeks party just a wee bit harder than the drones of the Googleplex in Mountain View.

Hey New York CNET employees, have a good time last night? Some of you did, from what we hear. Whomever you were, um, "entertaining" posted a missed connections ad on Craigslist. Behind the scenes research (er, IM chats with employees and former employees) has revealed that the "CNET girls" in question are not on the editorial side of things, which rules out our best guess, New York-based reporter and sometime CNBC pundit Caroline McCarthy. So far, speculation centers on the ad-sales department, known to insiders to include at least one "perverted, young girl-chasing alcoholic" figure who reportedly inspires most of the wild nights out. We're dying to know if the missed connection was made, and if the alleged girl-chaser was a factor. Fill us in.