We've got a serious case of the rainy-day, writers strike blues—when not even Writer Boi's dope rollback rhymes, the fact that it's Friday, or the announcement that the Doggie Chow-loving star of Goddess has emerged from retirement to host a reality dance-competition on Bravo seems enough to cheer us up:
It's beginning to feel a lot like the holiday season, and that makes us think of Christmas lists and elves, and that in turn makes us think of lists and gays, bringing us, finally, to this AfterElton list of The Top 25 Gay TV Characters, as chosen by their readers. We assume all the entries had to be out—explaining the absence of such light-footed small screen luminaries as Bewitched's Uncle Arthur and Knight Rider's KITT—and for highlighting we choose #23, Soap's Jodie Dallas.
Surely the author of this posting can't have been the only one to emerge from an Imax theater screening Beowulf thinking of nothing other than the overtly sexualized title character, whose "third leg," as the Danish serving wenches blushingly referred to it, was practically within 3D grasp were it not for a strategically placed mead stein in the foreground. To their credit, however, the anonymous poster took to Craigslist's virtual medieval marketplace to make their warrior-blowing fantasies come alive:
A Thanksgiving mystery no less confounding than what exactly comprises the "giblets" portion of "giblets and gravy" appears to have finally been solved by none other than third-tier supermarket newsweekly In Touch magazine: After hiring "porn star-turned-P.I. Paul Barresi" to investigate the oft-scrutinized sexuality of an aggressively self-avowed heterosexual superstar (who, it may warrant mentioning, is game for dressing up like a hunky Nazi and a Feed the Bears background player when the part calls for it), the verdict is in: Tom Cruise loves women!
We know better than to get between an ugly gay divorce, particularly that of singer (that's what he does, right?) Lance Bass and his fame-hungry reality TV star ex, Reichen Lehmkhul, but when they take their bickering out of the privacy of the Crunch cardio room, where most Gays have the decency to work out their personal issues, and decide to splash them across the pages of major publications and MySpace blogs, like it or not, their problems become our problems. According to Reality Blurred, the latest round began with a interview in the current GQ in which Lance blamed the break-up on Reichen's infidelities, saying, "I thought [at the time], 'Why does everyone hate him?" At the end, I was like, 'Ok, everyone was right.'" Star Magazine then reported that Bass was sent a letter in which he threatened to sue. Lehmkhul clarified the issue on his MySpace page yesterday:
As the strike drags on into its second week, minority artist factions have begun to splinter off for their own satellite demonstrations — notable instances include yesterday's wildly successful "Picketing with the Stars" event at Universal Studios, and the lesser-attended Eleven Man March on the Mall, in which every working African-American WGA member hoisted placards at The Grove. In that vein, the Hot in Hollywood blog is helping to organize what to our knowledge will be the first Gay Writer's Pride Parade in history:
The image of the male conjurer has always been steeped so heavily in an aura of lady-loving machismo—from David Copperfield's babe-netting trapdoor audience seating to the Pam-Anderson-bazoom-levitating prestidigitation of Hans Klok—that when J.K. Rowling revealed Prof. Albus Dumbledore to enjoy the, ahem, company of other wizards, even those of us with the most finely attuned Gay-Wizardar failed to see it coming.
In the eerie quiet before the impending writer (and potential zombie) strike storm, few of us have truly allowed the implications of such a story-breaking and brain-eating stoppage to fully sink in. The Gays, however, have long been anticipating this day. Like stalwart, Cold War-era survivalists, they've lined the walls of their flawlessly appointed fallout shelters with enough canned Dean & DeLuca delicacies to sustain them through the long, Ugly Betty-free winter ahead. AfterElton.com sugarcoats nothing in detailing what they can expect:
The Leaky Cauldron posted photos of the first public sighting of Hogwarts headmaster Albus Dumbledore as an outed wizard, snapped by a group of muggle bystanders taking in a location shooting of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince in the small English village of Lacock. The autograph-seeking youngsters appeared to feel no differently about the conjuring great now that his proclivities have been made public. On the contrary—more than one delighted child's voice was heard to have cried out, "When I grow up, I want to be a powerful gay wizard, just like you!" which drew appreciative chuckles from the larger-than-life figure wearing an Invisibility Beard-Cloak.
Paul Croft, a working-class bloke from Nottingham, had a giant tattoo of Hogwarts headmaster Albus Dumbledore etched on his back—a gesture meant to surprise and delight his five Potter-obsessed children. We think it's safe to say that of the many dangers Croft tried to anticipate in subjecting himself to the painful and permanent procedure, the after-the-fact outing of the character by the author at a public lecture in New York City was not one of them:
Look, it's not a gay wizard, but it's the best we could come up with on such short notice: A very special "Gays Around the World"-themed episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show featured as its guest of honor Prince Manvendra Singh Gohil of Rajpipla, the famed Indian prince disowned by his family after outing himself to a shocked nation so anti-gay, they still refuse to speak to those albino Bengal tigers who ran off with Siegfried & Roy a decade ago. Rocking a Punjab-fabulous fuchsia headwrap, Gohil candidly discussed the nitty-gritty of arranged sham marriages, including the Royal Headache that suddenly rendered him impotent on his wedding night. Stumped trick-or-treaters: We believe we've found your costume.
What a difference a week makes, as only days ago our state's greatest displacement tragedy revolved around the fate of one lovable rat-dog, ripped from his hairdresser home by a mercenary squad of anal-retentive canine adoption officials. Still, those who hoped the IggyGate crisis would end with Ellen's clear-eyed meditation on the power of televised crying were sorely mistaken, as the armchair psychiatrists at Star Magazine have begun to examine the Iggy behind the Iggy—i.e., Ellen and Portia's allegedly deteriorating relationship:
As if there's any other story on everybody's minds:
· Never has so fabulous a T-shirt design been made available so quickly after a zeitgeist-hijacking story first breaks. You go, gay wizard!
· We're not saying the signs were completely obvious, but a little effort could have easily unscrambled "Albus Dumbledore" to read "Male bods rule, bud!"
· Let the Other Fictional Gay Characters list-making begin: New York fingers Fozzie Bear and Lando Calrissian (as if), while Radar gets a vibe from fudge-tunnel-voyaging Willy Wonka.
· He's here. He's queer. Yet some of us are having a hell of a time getting used to it.
· And finally, the requisite Gay Dumbledore Halloween costume. Oh wait—that's Pimp James Lipton. Never mind.
As Oprah bores us with Jerry Seinfeld's wife and her devious methods of burying creamed broccoli inside a powdered donut, Tyra manages to bring Americans news they can use: Ladies, the next time your dinner date spends an inordinate amount of time quoting Kathy Griffin and apologizing for his shameful lack of abs, use this simple finger-measuring technique to determine whether or not he may in fact be a Friend of O'Malley. And if you want a second opinion, there's always the hair whorl test.
Stop us if you think you've heard this one before: A Grey's Anatomy star, embroiled in a behind-the-scenes controversy that simply refuses—despite the best efforts of millions across the globe, holding aloft bottles of Coke and singing about TV-doctor harmony—to die, has taped an important message about tolerance for GLAAD. Only this time, it's not Isaiah "Bigger Than Jesus and Barack" Washington doing the talking, but his velvety nemesis, T.R. Knight.
