Not even the homeless and destitute people of America want to eat the second-class Chobani yogurt that's being donated to them after Russia rejected it as a gesture of peace. "They look at it and go, 'Eww.'"

The owner of an Oklahoma restaurant is under fire after a customer claimed he was discriminated against because he's disabled. Gary's Chicaros' owner, Gary James, didn't make things much better when he gave an interview to a local news station: "I've been in business 44 years, I think I can spot a freak or a faggot," he told KFOR.

Millions of packages of Polly-O and Kraft string cheese that came from a plant in upstate New York have been recalled after complaints that the cheese was discolored and spoiled too soon—enough to cause a devastating string cheese shortage all across the U.S.

Whether still or sparkling, if a waiter at a restaurant in New York City has ever presented you a glass of water without asking if you wanted it first, they were breaking the law—until now.

As news emerges that agribusiness giant Monsanto is attempting to "go organic" in search of the most delicious-tasting vegetable, British engineers are still at the lab, making an outright chemical mess with your salad ingredients.

The Yogurt Wars continue to descend to previously unimaginable depths of depravity. Now Yoplait is touting the fact that it is tastier than Chobani. Fine. Dog poop may be more toothsome than cow shit, but at least it has the decency not to crow about it.

Pizza Hut veered sharply into the avant garde when it announced this week that it would sell pizza by the slice. But is America ready for the nation's best pizza chain to try something even more outlandish?

Some people already know this; this is for the people who do not. I had been eating leftover pizza for decades before it occurred to me.

KFC is the biggest US fast food chain in China. In the past year, however, sales have fallen sharply. Why oh why have the Chinese forsaken our delicious poisonous fried chicken?

Of course you should use silverware when you're eating dinner at a restaurant that has provided silverware, right there next to your non-paper plate. Nobody believes otherwise. But here's our important new populist debate about whether New York Mayor Bill de Blasio is too fancy because he used a fork and knife to eat a pizza dinner in a sit-down restaurant.

Do you like your weed to have a little class? Do you prefer a nice sit-down restaurant to the Taco Bell drive-through when the munchies hit? Then do we have the place for you.

Molly Schuyler weighs a paltry 120 pounds, but last Friday she set a world record by finishing an entire 72 oz. steak as big as her whole head in under three minutes.

When you're "on the go," you need a breakfast that's quick, filling, delicious, and reasonably priced. Some restaurants apparently can't figure this out, so we have prepared a simple guide for idiots.

Forget East-West, North-South, rich-poor: The new main division in Earth's population is an ever-growing rift between the frightfully obese and the frightfully hungry, experts say.

Attention, readers: this is not a test. This is not a drill. Please, without panicking, stop what you are doing and make your way to the nearest supermarket. Now. America may—and we stress may—be running out of Velveeta.

Darden Restaurants is reportedly looking to spin off or sell its struggling Red Lobster business as more Americans opt for cheaper and faster dining experiences at places like Chipotle. Here is Red Lobster's Cheddar Bay Biscuit recipe, for posterity.

More than you ever wanted to know about how to make good chocolate chip cookies.

I am in the kitchen of the house I grew up in, holding a head of cabbage stable on the cutting board with both hands, while my mother thrusts a cleaver into it, slicing it in half. The leaves are densely packed in a squiggle of translucent white and green. She hands the knife to me, instructing me to cut the cabbage into thin shreds. When my slices are too coarse, she thwaps the back of my hand with a wet soup spoon and tells me to cut them finer.

Do you love Doritos®? Do you love Taco Bell®'s Doritos® Loco Taco®? Do you love Buffalo Wild Wings®? Have you ever wondered why they have like a bajillion wing flavors, but no Doritos®-related corporate tie-ins? Well, friend, do I have good news for you.

Hey, entitled "millennials," with your "organic" this and "artisanal" that and "farm to table" marijuana: you're not the bosses any more. Old folks have taken over American restaurants. Thank the lord.