Next to computer software and hairstyles for the bald, no field in the business world offers more competitive innovative thinking than fast food breakfasts. Witness the vast array of culinary creativity currently on display from our nation's leading dining options.

Good gracious! America's always enjoyed a tasty bird—and that hasn't changed a bit! In fact, Americans are gobbling down that chicken—now more than ever! Man alive!

It's tough being Whole Foods. Competing fancy grocery chains threaten from one side. Big box stores selling organic food threaten from the other side. "All natural" food will thrive in the most unnatural environments.

This week, Arlington, Texas will get the thing it most desperately needs: a new greasy fast food chicken restaurant. But this greasy fast food chicken restaurant marks the launch of a greasy fast food chicken restaurant war.

Some food—cake, pie, pizza, nachos—tastes great. Some food—wheatgrass, chia seeds, kale—is healthy. But what one food tastes the best while still being healthy?

You, the American consumer, do not know any science, but you do know you want all of those "artificial flavors" and "artificial colors" out of your processed garbage food. Or at least you want to believe they're out.

There are a bunch of restaurants in the world, including some in New York City. But in a city of over 24,000 restaurants, how do you find the best? You begin your search in places that are already popular: New York's hottest tourist destinations. In The Best Restaurant in New York Is, writers Caity Weaver and Rich Juzwiak attempt to determine the best restaurant in New York.

Consider us, the average American consumers: couch-bound, sluggish, overweight, grazing on a steady diet of heavy meats, hormone-laced milk, and refined sugars. An economically required fast is the best thing that could happen to us.

There is NOTHING more American than a Lean Cuisine-brand frozen dinner, which combines our national passions for junk food, fad diets, and sadness all in one easily microwaveable package. And now you ingrates are abandoning this proud legacy in droves.

Americans do not remember anything from chemistry or biology class, but they will damn sure buy anything that contains "protein," because I think it gives you muscles? Sadly, it appears that high protein diets may also cause you to die.

One of America's favorite foods (after partially hydrogenated soybean oil) is sugar, which is a poison to the human body. You will all be pained to hear that the World Health Organization has just halved the acceptable amount of sugar in your diet.

Per Se, which calls itself “the urban interpretation of The French Laundry,” is considered one of the best dining establishments in New York City. The city’s health inspectors seem to disagree. Eater points out that the Columbus Circle restaurant racked up 42 “violation points” during a February 19 inspection—enough to earn a failing “C” grade if Per Se’s owner, American chef Thomas Keller, fails to contest the Department of Health’s findings. (In the meantime, the restaurant is required to display a prominent “Grade Pending” flier.)

There is nothing that you, the consumer, love more than a paper bag filled with piping hot breakfast items purchased from one of our nation's fast food outlets. It is the only high point in the otherwise dreary days of the majority of Americans. Fortunately, fast food breakfast will now be more inescapable than ever.

For the first time in 21 years, the FDA-mandated nutritional information labels on consumer foods may soon get a major updating, because you're all fatty-fat fats, and you really need to pay attention to these goddamn things, people.

To cap off a chilling week for mall food courts, Sbarros announces it will be closing 155 stores.

If someone had told you 25 years ago that Vanilla Ice would end up in a Kraft Macaroni & Cheese ad, MC Serch would end up with a talk show, and old school hip hop pioneers would end up broke, would you have believed it? Probably.

Would you pay $21 for a green tea? Well, if you were cultured, you would, you goddam heathen. But since we can't take you out anyplace nice, let's instead swig our swirled leaves with Ryan Sutton, the food critic for Bloomberg News and enjoyer of one fat night in Chicago.

The food industry has a generally glum outlook for sales in the coming year. But there is a bright spot: the portion of Americans buying gluten-free food has more than doubled in the past three years. Why?

The Department of Defense, with its huge purse and huger paranoia, has long been a driver of technological advances. But none may be so momentous as this one: an unfrozen piece of pizza that stays edible for years. And years. Army Rangers and armchair generals, rejoice!

A Chinese man narrowly escaped a bloody death over the weekend after he leaped into a zoo's white tiger enclosure and attempted to get himself eaten. He was apprehended by zookeepers and escaped with only minor injuries.