"The percentage of Americans who snack three or more times a day rose to 56% by 2010, according to the latest available government data. That is up from roughly 20% in the 1990s and 10% in the late 1970s." We love snacks!!

Americans spend close to $2 billion a day dining out, and most of that money ain't being spent at The Four Seasons, if you know what we mean. (It is being spent on cheap garbage food.) Heartbreakingly, Americans now say they loathe the fast food chains to which they've pledged their lives.

Americans, who are unforgiving pussies about the kinds of foods they'll eat, are set to be repulsed and disgusted by a new meal: The decades-long ban on imported haggis—a Scottish delicacy made from sheep's meat stuffed inside a sheep's stomach—might be getting lifted soon. Run for the hills.

Okay—so it says here that skyr from Iceland thinks it is going to be the next big yogurt? Oh please—yeah right. Good luck—go fuck yourselves.

In the first chapter of D.H. Lawrence's late novel, The Plumed Serpent, an Irishwoman named Kate has a terrible experience at a Mexico City bullfight. The book is set during the Mexican revolution. Kate is overwhelmed by the sights and sounds in the arena and by the murderous event itself. Afterward, she tells a driver:

America has a proud tradition of breakfast cereal, dating all the way back to John Harvey Kelloggs' crackpot theories on cornflakes and masturbation prevention. Now, the cereal industry is turning to a new generation of crackpots: people like you.

Meat prices are at an all time high. Beef is expensive. Fish is expensive. Nasty swine meat is expensive. Wow, what are you going to eat this summer for protein??? Have no fear!

The Bhut Jolokia, or "ghost pepper" was, for a time, the hottest pepper on the planet, as certified by the Guinness Book of World Records. It is definitely hotter than Tabasco sauce. One thousand people in Copenhagen downed one simultaneously as part of a spicy stunt put on by pepper enthusiast Claus Pilgaard. There were tears.

Americans, who value both rippling muscles and a staunch philosophy that science is the devil, will purchase and consume anything emblazoned with the word "PROTEIN." And it's not just us—the whole world is crazy about these amino acid compounds!

Next time you're out buying seafood, consider getting the lobster. A Guardian report reveals that shrimp sold across the U.S. and U.K. are produced in part by slaves off the coast of Thailand who endure unimaginable violence and abuse.

Fast food mega-brand and diabetic triple-threat Yum! Brands—which sells you Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, and KFC—is testing a "new stealth Asian concept" restaurant in Dallas called Banh Shop. According to Escape Hatch Dallas, the prototype store will be opened inside an old auto repair shop near the SMU campus.

Today, The Atlantic identifies the most intriguing new food trend of 2014: "miracle fruit," the magic little berry that makes sour things taste sweet. How come nobody's mentioned this before?

In Pizza Hut's quest to reinvent itself as a restaurant serving food fit for human consumption, no tactic is too radical. Pizzas made by actual humans? You bet. And now the dynamic company is making the boldest innovation of all.

Arby's, which has been on its game as the new cool brand to watch, is pulling another publicity stunt that only residents of Duluth, Minnesota will get to enjoy. For thirteen hours, starting at 1 p.m. today, the cooked meat shill will air one single commercial on local network My9. The storyline is magical.

Damn, there's a recall for hummus and walnuts. I'm surprised I'm not already dead.

Lunchables, the popular cracker-n-meat-n-cheez combo meals indicative of how much your parents did not care about your health as a child, are now considered acceptable sustenance for even high school-aged kids. Are adults next?

Fishlike casual dining chain Red Lobster is being sold to a private equity firm for $2.1 billion. Ehh... what joke would you make about Red Lobster right now? Leave it in the comments, or whatever. It's too early.

Burger King today announced that it will serve its burgers for breakfast now, as part of their new corporate philosophy, "Why try harder than absolutely necessary when the American people want nothing more than to eat themselves into oblivion to erase the pain of being locked into this zombie-like existence?"

Kellogg has agreed to stop calling its Kashi line of products "all natural" because it contains ingredients like "soy oil processed using hexane, a component of gasoline." They can still call it "artisan," thank god.

To counteract America's waning love for frozen food, Stouffer's is launching new ads with the theme, "Made for you to love." In one, "two brothers who have been tussling reach a truce brought about by lasagna."