Are school vending machines causing obesity amongst America's youth? Haha, haha, yeah right. Eating one dozen Cadbury "Creme" eggs in the closet at midnight while typing furiously on Twitter is causing obesity amongst America's youth. Still, every little calorie saved helps, when it comes to our corn-syrup-addicted children. The government is setting new guidelines for what can be in school vending machines. What (vending machine) food should be put on (the kids in) our families (in school)?

Mystery solved, sort of: It seems reasonably clear to me that Daniel Kaufman, a.k.a., Dan Kay, a.k.a. Dan Katze, a.k.a. the Busted Chef, a.k.a. the Montauk Grifter, never actually worked as a producer on Hell's Kitchen, as he repeatedly claimed to the people he conned. But he definitely managed to convince several of the show's former contestants that he worked there, which is some fairly acrobatic grifting.

A tipster forwards us this "Black History Heritage Meal" menu from the US Army base in Ft. Bragg, NC: fried chicken, pig feet, ham hocks, collard greens... all the stereotypical foods are represented. The ol' "comedically stereotypical Black History Month menu" is a pretty damn familiar trope of its own, at this point. I'm more impressed by the US Army's open-minded photo montage.

Yesterday, we brought you the tale of Daniel Kaufman, a.k.a. Dan Kay, a.k.a. Dan Katze, the preternaturally prolific conman who told his victims, among many other things, that he was a world-class chef and a producer on Hell's Kitchen and Chopped—even though he can't cook. Since then, we've learned that he probably did manage to grift his way onto Hell's Kitchen. Also: We've gotten tons of emails from people who have crossed Dan's path, which we've published below.

An unidentified man suffered cardiac arrest a heart attack while eating a meal called a "Triple Bypass Burger" at the Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas on Saturday.

He is Dan Kaufman, Dan Kay, Dan Katze. He is a celebrity chef, an internet entrepreneur, a television producer. He has worked for Apple, Google, AOL, the Rainbow Room. He hangs out with Steve Case, Gordon Ramsey, Tim Armstrong. He's a world-class surfer, a AAA baseball legend, the founder of a seminal punk band. He's one of the more persistent and obsessive grifters to ply the streets of New York City—not to mention online dating sites—in recent decades.

I've set off some explosive truth bombs in my day, but I think this is going to be the most controversial thing I have ever published: I hate cheese.

Does Wendy's use aborted human fetuses in its food? When we conducted our groundbreaking investigation into the issue last week, we were forced to put the fast food company in the "possibly contains fetuses" category when our queries didn't receive a response. But now our our noble and relentless quest for the truth has paid off.

Dear Cyber Woman with Corn: It's me, Max. How are you? I'm doing well. It rained a bit today, but I'm glad it's Friday — I'm ready to relax.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) rolled out a new set of guidelines regarding public school lunches today.

Last week, Oklahoma State Senator Ralph Shortey introduced a bill that would ban "the manufacture or sale of food or products which use aborted human fetuses." But which foods or products use aborted human fetuses? Let's investigate.

Last year, the UN predicted that without proper restructuring of the fish industry, the oceans could be depleted of all fish by 2050. Overfishing, environmental disasters...what's a conservationist to do?

Americans love cheez. Cheez has made Kraft the most powerful cheez corporation on earth. Now, the company is making a $50 million advertising gamble that it can get Americans to try something new: cheese.

This is Taylor, of Ventura, California. Taylor, up until now, has been a loyal and devoted member of the Girl Scouts. But after the Girl Scouts of Colorado decided to allow a transsexual seven-year-old named Bobby Montoya into their ranks, Taylor has decided to turn heel: In an astonishing act of Scout sedition, Taylor has called for a boycott of Girl Scout cookies.

Hostess, the maker of Twinkies, Ding Dongs, Ho Hos, Suzy Q's, Sno Balls, Zingers, and Donettes, among other god damn delicious products, is bankrupt. For the second time in eight years. Labor costs, debt load, flour prices, blah blah blah. What will it take to save Hostess? Will it take Hostess sending out cases of its delicious products out to various popular online media sites, to "build buzz?" Now is the time to find out.

Whoops! Mix-up at Papa John's! "Hey Papa John's, just FYI my name isn't 'lady chinky eyes.'"" ProPublica communications manager Minhee Cho helpfully Tweeted on Saturday, posting a photo of a receipt with "lady chinky eyes" listed as the name. Guess the real Lady C.E. won't be getting her pizza.

So the New York Times' Dining section wrote one of those things for Southern food yesterday that it writes for every type of food, at one point or another: How there's a new wave of chefs trying to revive traditional fare with more expensive and local ingredients, etc. "They want to reclaim the agrarian roots of Southern cooking," the Times writes, "restore its lost traditions and dignity, and if all goes according to plan, completely redefine American cuisine for a global audience." Again: This is a standard Times food article template with "Southern food" plugged in.

There comes a time in the life of every freedom-loving person when he is forced to stand on his own two feet and make a very fundamental choice: Velveeta Cheesy Skillets, or Hamburger Helper? That time is now, Americans. Will you rise to the challenge?

The Chilean Supreme Court has ordered daily newspaper La Tercera to pay $125,000 to 13 people injured while using a recipe for exploding churros. The newspaper's recipe forgot to mention the exploding part, apparently because it didn't test the recipe carefully enough.

Mark Zuckerberg, who personally kills all his food, is ominously proud of his escalating slaughters. Here's the bison he recently shot and devoured, mounted at Facebook headquarters as a "prank" on a less predatory executive.