If you have always dreamed of killing giant snakes but found yourself hampered by a lack of funds, worry no more: Florida state officials are ready to pay anyone willing to help rid them of wild Burmese pythons, no snake hunting experience needed.

Brenda Schumann of Vero Beach, Florida, was arrested last month and charged with aggravated assault and domestic violence after she allegedly threatened to kill her husband and his girlfriend before defecating on the kitchen floor.

Earlier this week, a 24-year-old Tampa-area resident named Cameron Mohammed was walking with his girlfriend into Walmart at around 3 a.m. when the two were approached from behind by a 25-year-old named Daniel Quinnell. Quinnell allegedly yelled racial epithets at the two, then fired 20 shots at Mohammed with a pellet gun — pictured above — striking him multiple times in the head and neck. Mohammed was armed, too — but with a real .45 caliber pistol. He chose not to shoot.

A woman who was arrested for attacking two people in Hallandale Beach, Florida, told a bond court judge she was merely a misunderstood street artist who was "trying to do some artwork."

It's almost never a good thing for a stripper to make the news. The last 24 hours — which has seen strippers hospitalized, arrested and fired — has proven at least that much.

When it comes to pre-mature ejaculation-related violence in Florida, history really does repeat itself. Last week, Jennie Scott, of Manatee, Florida, was arrested for reportedly beating her "on-and-off" boyfriend, Jiliberto Deleon, with a stick after Deleon (allegedly) "finished first and stopped pleasuring her" during a "mutual oral sex session."

Here are some simple rules to follow regarding home invasions.

When 49-year-old Randall White of St. Petersburg, Florida, walked in to a local Little Caesars and ordered a thin-crust vegetable pizza he didn't expect to end up getting shot in the stomach by another customer.

Florida is looking for participants in the most dangerous game. No, not that most dangerous game: python hunting. Burmese pythons are actually a major problem for Florida, specifically in the southern part of the state, where they are decimating natural flora and fauna like bugs, probably, and narwhals and unicorns, maybe (I have no idea what lives in the Everglades).

Family-themed adult films are nothing new.

Here at Gawker, we stand in opposition to the back-slapping Lamestream Media and its cozy relationships with Big Business, from Big Fruit all the way to Big Pie. That's why we were the only news organization brave enough to come right out and ask, "Hey, how come you never see orange pie, on the menu or whatever?" It was only a matter of time before Big Pie sent out its MSM attack dogs to try to recapture the narrative.

Is it possible to twist someone's nipples completely off? Definitely not, right?

Deputies in Manatee County, Florida, were called to a private residence in Bradenton yesterday to intervene in a domestic dispute resulting from a case of premature ejaculation.

The confrontation that resulted in the shooting death of 17-year-old Jordan Russell Davis started over loud music, according to investigators in Brevard County, Florida.

A woman in St. Petersburg, Florida was arrested yesterday after the local sheriff's department published photos of her riding a manatee in nearby Tampa Bay. The woman, identified as Ana Gloria Garcia Gutierrez, has been charged with violating the Florida Marine Sanctuary Act, which seeks to "protect and preserve living and other resources of the Florida Keys marine environment."

A Chicago woman was stalking a priest because god "told her" to marry him. Chicago is the new Florida.

Highly divisive Tea Party congressman Allen West (R-FL) will have at least one of those titles stripped from his name after finally conceding to Democratic challenger Patrick Murphy in the race for the Sunshine State's 18th congressional district.

Florida Senator Marco Rubio has clearly learned a thing or two from Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock when it comes to qualifying public statements. Reminding us that a comprehensive understanding of the earth's history is reserved for only the most seasoned of sages and alchemists, with many glowing astrolabes, he told GQ that the true age of the planet is "one of the great mysteries" of our time. It seems fairly clear, however, that in suggesting parents teach their children about the formation and development of the planet using either "what science says" or "what their faith says" where he lands on science.

Tech problems at JPMorgan Chase have temporarily disabled Florida's entire food stamp system. How appropriate.

After Barack Obama's reelection, some business owners went so far as laying off workers and attributing it to fear of new taxes; other employers vowed to reduce employees' hours in order to avoid paying for their health care under Obamacare. Those actions are despicable in their own way, but at least they may be defended as a sort of rational business move. How exciting that one fine business owner has figured out a way to become a bigger asshole on this issue than any of his peers.