An allegedly inebriated widow from a sleepy section of Florida's West Coast was arrested last Friday after calling 911 twice in search of a cop to do "extra duty" for her, then rubbing an officer who was dispatched to her house while telling him: "I am so horny."
He's been so, so busy. Here's a roundup of his latest hijinks:
Eric Ortiz doesn't like spiders. Which is why he got this black widow spider tattoo on his cheek, just below his eyeline, in December: So he can overcome spider that which spider he fears most spider spiiiiiiider SPIDER.
We natives of Broward County, Florida, are really good at two things: shopping, and screwing up voting. Oh, and also setting our dogs on fire, then letting the flaming dogs set our spouses on fire, then dumping our flaming dogs in swimming pools and getting on the news.
Shamal Battice can really book it. Through three Florida counties. With no feeling below the waist and a cane on the gas pedal of a stolen G6. Too bad he didn't go for a more fuel-efficient model, though.
Old-fart Floridians have found a new way to keep the damn kids off their lawn: Start a shooting range on it. It's totally legal, thanks to a little-known 1987 law that's recently been rediscovered by Beretta-toting bubbas.
A Florida man on trial for fraud has come up with a graphic defense — his sex tapes.
On July 29, Erik Norrie was vacationing with his family in the Bahamas when he went spearfishing for their dinner. A nearby shark sized him up, declared him a meaty wuss, and took a huge bite out of the Florida man's left leg.
In what might be the most American way to accidentally shoot oneself, a Florida man shot himself while bowling last night, after his bowling ball came into contact with the loaded gun in his pocket.
Dilbert Coreas could hook you up with a pony for $70 an hour, a bouncy house with a water-slide for $115 an entire day. The Florida-based kids' party planner could get you a hot-dog cabinet, a popcorn machine, or a cotton-candy maker for only $60 a piece. And if you needed something a little less family-friendly, he might be able to find that too: According to the Feds, Coreas not only was affiliated with the small business It'z A Kidz World, but also allegedly the transnational gang MS-13.
When Luis Brignoni, a 41-year-old Florida Man, heard screams from his backyard, he went outside to discover a terrible scene: his 11-year-old son, Fernando, screaming and bloody-handed as his older son, 13-year-old Luis Jr, stood nearby, beating the family dog over the head with a stick. The dog, a Malamute-wolf mix named Sassy, had just bitten off Fernando's finger and was holding it in its mouth. Brignoni approached the dog to retrieve the severed digit but by that time it was too late – Sassy had swallowed the little finger.
Florida has a reputation for being the black sheep of the country, but it's really undeserved.
