Breakup pain! Men and doctors! Mommy medicine! Adolescent specialists! Dangerous dyes! Sleep weight loss! Death rate fluctuations! M.S. marijuana! And eating disorders of the olds! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—or, like, whatever!

Sports brain! Sweat for the boss! Inclusive fitness! Kardashian role model! Exercise motivation! Mismatches! One-legged wrestlers! And the abject failure of squats! It's time for your Wednesday Fitness Watch.

Sex dissatisfaction! Child car seats! Deadly headaches! Chronic fatigue! Radiation safety! Male facelifts! Fitness myths! Poison prevention! Trauma survival! And a hot new lupus update! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with head-splitting authority!

Are you safe while riding a city bus? Ha, *scoffing sounds.* It turns out that your fellow passengers are placing you at risk of more than tuberculosis—risk of the entire bus just, like, falling apart. From too much girth.

HIV testing! Fish eyes! Menthol guidelines! Dukan diet! Smoke cancer! Radiation risks! Fat marathon! Fecal stories! And wanton overconsumption of the devil salt! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—leaving you no choice in the matter!

Dog fitness coaches! Firefighter fitness plan! Hoosier fitness shame! Rihanna fitness secrets! Republican fitness DVD! Bachelor fitness freak! And aerobic fitness sham! It's your Wednesday fitness watch, where we watch your fitness—until we vomit with pride!

Plant life! Animal love! Prison workout! Potassium Iodide! Food surplus! Teen sleep! Nuclear disaster! And the key to happiness! It's your Tuesday Science Watch, where we watch science—from within a radiation-proof bubble!

Mental game! Lupus drug! Elderly tech! Menopause needles! Cancer survivors! Cigarette sales! Tainted beef! Premature drugs! And the total crumbling of American healthcare! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—laughing, but really crying!

Will running kill you, as you always suspected, and as you vocally informed your mom and dad and P.E. coach and personal trainer and random passersby at the gym and the park and on the subway? Yes. Yes it will.

Hormone diets! Slow eating! Teen dying! Teen drinking! Greek eating! Urethra growing! Big loser-ing! Cartoon food! And incompetent old people driving around dangerously! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—unconventionally!

David Barton Gym, the very fancy (and very gay) discotechque/gym chain, is $65 million in debt and bankrupt. The company signed a deal to remain open, though, so Anderson Cooper still has a place to work on those guns.

Child fever! Nicotine gum! Obesity docs! Baby times! Optimistic death! Lying teenagers! Running job! Women smoking! And menthol vindication! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with a minimally acceptable level of competence!

Pregnancy stress! Suzanne Somers cures cancer! Kidney transplant fight! Elderly STDs! Locked in happiness! Lady PTSD! Boxing fitness! Charlie Sheen rehab! And monster testing! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—one child at a time!

Natalie Portman's bones look amazing in Black Swan, right? So maybe being a vegan and going to ballet class will make you look like her, right? Wrong!

Woman smells! Animal behavior! Old people brains! STD testing! Allergies forever! Oil cleanup health! Fat dogs! Fat surgery! From death to business! And other conventional wisdom! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with ulterior motives!

On Saturday, 49-year-old Belgian runner Stefaan Engels completed his 365th marathon. In a row. That's 9,569 miles in seven different countries, averaging about four hours a marathon. Dude: There are easier ways to get book deals.

Eating instructions! Stair running! Five Hour Energy! Ballet bodies! Polar bear workout! Polio elimination! Winter blues! Exercise brain! Diabetes everywhere! As well as racist doctors! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—again and again, unsuccessfully!

Oh gosh, something to be concerned about: people now are just going to cheap gyms and working out and leaving, rather than indulging in the "community" of group classes and flirting and juice bars. Will gyms ever be annoying again?

HCG is a human hormone made during pregnancy. It's also a popular ingredient in diet potions. It's also a total fraud. Sorry, Carmen Electra!

Jack LaLanne, the fitness guru, juicer pitchman and television host, has died of respiratory failure due to pneumonia at his home in California. He was 96 years old! But, well, that's the power of juice.