The only "news" topic Americans really care about any more is: Innovative ways to lose weight and become superhuman athletic "champions," in order to get sex. Alas, we only try to achieve this by scientifically repackaging snack foods. And perfume.

Is your daily consumption of 12-pack upon 12-pack of Coca-Cola holding you back from your fitness goals? For you, Coke is introducing eight-packs of new 7.5 ounce "mini cans." Only 90 empty calories each! As doctors and fitness professionals always say, "Consuming your corn syrup-laden swill in more frequent, smaller servings throughout the day as you sit motionless in a chair gazing at a computer screen and allowing your ever-deteriorating posture to further crumble is preferable to guzzling it all in one serving directly from a two-liter bottle, except by economic standards, or nutritional ones."

But Coca-Cola alone won't make you a champion. You also need a certain kind of perfume. And don't bother to cool down after your workout. That would require you to work out.

American soda abdominal dominance!
[Pic via]