No toys in your food! Poison in your food! Fire fight your food! Hot peppers are your food! An electronic device is the master of your food! It's your Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—while sucking a habanero!

Injuries are nothing! Soda is nothing! Ab rollers are nothing! Our quote of the day will strengthen you! It's your daily fitness watch, where we watch fitness—while deadlifting properly!

When you go to work out should you be all focused and intense and hardcore, or should you just be flipping through some magazine on the elliptical, while sexting? Well, look at it this way: Do you want to die?

Can strong core muscle workouts and avoiding bad stew give you plump lips, a killer imperialist warrior spirit, and a victory over Manny Pacquiao? These and other important issues are explored in today's Fitness Watch—we're watching fitness, downward doggedly!

Fat American wombs are overstuffed with fat baby eating machines that will soon die! Judo and soda taxes are our only hope. It's your daily fitness watch, where we watch your fitness—while jogging!

A made-up report has revealed that the USA is the world's most laziest country of all. But while you're celebrating that with some funnel cake sticks, your more svelte fellow Amerkins have some ideas on whipping you into shape.

Is magic the answer to our obesity problem? And if so, should we use that powerful magic to lose weight until we just shrivel up into a dessicated husk? And can we still play football? These and other questions, answered!

Residents of New York City now have the longest life expectancy ever. Thank you, thank you. Thanks. How do we do it, besides killing each other less frequently? By not making the common fitness mistakes of Middle America.

The youth of today: what the hell are they doing all the time? Nothing good, that's for sure.

Hearty congratulations are in order, America: we as a nation have plateaued at a healthy 33% adult obesity rate. The fight on fat is won, pretty much! How are we as a nation celebrating?

It is the new year which means it's time for you to go on an unsuccessful diet, America! Let us survey the landscape of sure-to-fail fitness ideas rolling out (ha) soon. Select a few and promptly abandon them!