For 85 years, the FBI has defined rape as the "carnal knowledge of a female forcibly and against her will." In all that time, no men have been raped. Now, thanks to rap music, homosexual marriage, and Jerry Sandusky, the FBI has gone and changed the definition—placing millions of American men in danger of rape.

For Stephen Colbert, the best part about Rick Santorum's near victory in Iowa this week was that it lead to Santorum picking up the endorsement of George Will. Will likes Santorum because he finds him fun and believes that "supporting Santorum feels like a lark." You know what, Will might have a point but I think most of us knew that Santorum was a joke a long time ago.

Tonight's Daily Show featured content tailor made for Jon Stewart to tee off on: Republican claims of the President's abuse of his executive power over something extremely petty and the manipulation of Senate procedures to help make their case. All they needed to do was hold a 30 second session to render Obama's recess appointment moot. It's all more fuel for what we are sure to hear from Obama in the upcoming general election, that it is all Congress' fault.

It is rough out there for tech executives. Positively awful, and the better off a plutocrat is, the worse things get. Or at least that's what I gather from some recent headlines in the wealthy business man's newspaper of choice, the Wall Street Journal.

Let's direct our fury right now at the distant future people; the ones who were apparently too lazy to use their time machines to come and warn us in 2006, when useless Sen. Rick Santorum was losing his Senate seat by double digits, that we'd still be watching videos of this fucking guy whining about gay marriage six years later when he was a top-tier candidate for a presidential nomination! Then we could've just killed ourselves then and there instead of naively expecting any trace of human progress.

When Facebook was only 6 percent as popular as it is today, CEO Mark Zuckerberg wanted to upgrade his personal operating system with leadership features. So Earth's richest cylon decided to shadow his human friend and mentor, Washington Post CEO Donald Graham.

We've recently written a couple posts about Bronies, adult men who love the cartoon My Little Pony. This touched a nerve with one Brony, who is also a Gawker commenter. He was kind enough to explain a bit about his corner of the internet.

Living dog sweater Zooey Deschanel is getting a divorce from her husband, sweaty-looking Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard, and as part of her divorce filing, her lawyer (bizarrely and probably wrongly) included an income and expense declaration. Let's take a look at what life is like for the young, rich, and precious!

On the day Germany surrendered in 1945, legendary CIA chief Richard Helms—then an officer serving overseas in the OSS—somehow laid hands on some of Adolf Hitler's personal stationery. So naturally he jotted a note to his toddler back in the states about the nature of evil.

Okay, "stupid" isn't really the most nuanced way to describe this. It's also quite funny in its tactlessness, once you work through all the racism and vomit a few times. It shows clips of Jon Huntsman speaking Chinese, which everyone knows he speaks because he was the ambassador to China. There is also, what do you call it, "stock Chinese music" playing in the background. It notes that Huntsman has adopted two daughters from the East. None of this is congratulatory, however; it takes the more racist is Jon Huntsman the Manchurian candidate? path. Who made this wonder of wonders?

The punchline you have been waiting for since Gwyneth Paltrow launched luxury lifestyle cult GOOP has arrived: Now introducing THE GOOP CLEANSE, a Paltrow-branded digestive cleansing kit.

Usually, when we post videos of the New York City subway, it's because people a) committed assault, b) said horrible things or c) engaged in gross activity. But not today! Today, we post a video of the subway because a guy with bongos and a lady with a ukulele, who had apparently never met before taking the same train, performed a sweet song together for the assembled passengers. Only in New York!..... is a video of two people being nice instead of beating the shit out of each other considered newsworthy. [Jessica Latshaw via Reddit]

When we last left the Bronies—adult male nerds who love the kid's cartoon My Little Pony—they were reeling from the loss of their best source of pirated episodes. Since then they've made it to the big time with a My Little Pony-related correction in the New York Times.

If history is any guide, tech companies should absolutely not try and become media companies. But the 25-year-old CEO of precious New York blog platform Tumblr has the fearlessness of youth. Which is why he's recruiting his own writer and editor types.

Can Newt Gingrich be president for just one day, so we can all watch this on pay-per-view? "I will go to the NAACP convention, and tell the African-American community why they should demand paychecks instead of food stamps."

What are scientists up to these days, in their science castles? Oh, not much. Not much... except inventing a way to make whole events invisible by fucking around with time.

To commemorate Hanukkah, a Jewish holiday honoring the forced circumcision of lapsed Jews 2,200 years ago by a religious zealot (among other things!), the Israeli Defense Forces issued a little pamphlet for the troops featuring a photograph of the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem, Judaism's holiest site. One pesky problem: Just a few hundred yards from the Wall, and visible in the photograph, sits the Dome of the Rock, one of the holiest sites in Islam. Enter Photoshop!

Peaches Geldof is pregnant. The 22-year-old heiress-model-fame-a-ma-bob—known, among other things, for a pornographic one-night stand with a Williamsburg meathook enthusiast—is engaged to fetus father Thomas Cohen, the super-kissy gentleman pictured here.

What is next for Herman Cain? The world has been waiting the answer since that fateful Atlanta morn. Perhaps he could be a corporate lobbyist? The big money's there. Or an Applebee's waiter! See how the other half lives and all that. And then there's always the chance to go lesbian for a while in a lesbian art colony. Now's the time to experiment before getting tied down in some career. But no, it looks like he's just going to ride a bus and talk about his tax plan.

Gather round, horny America: your daily scientific study with the word "sex" in it is here, for everyone to slobber over in a scientifically acceptable way. Riddle me this: who has hotter, sexxxier sex, do you think—hot sexxxy young women whose bodies are taut, tauter, and tautest; or old and wrinkly women?