Fast food is already 98% of the average American's diet. So when the average American cannot afford fast food, we have a problem. Pizza Hut must slash its prices—otherwise, Americans could literally lose weight.

Initial unemployment claims rose to 500,000 today, the highest level since November. Analysts had predicted a drop. They were wrong. This figure would be below 400,000 in a healthy, recovering economy, which we do not have. [Image: AP]

There have been conflicting stories from the son of a sheriff's deputy who was beaten by Denver cops in 2009, and the cops who beat him on video. According to two eyewitnesses: "It was very, very vulgar. It was brutal."

How about putting President Obama on the dollar bill, instead of that old white-haired lady who's there right now? Design firm Dowling Duncan did it for the Dollar ReDe$ign Competition. Want to see their designs for the other denominations?

Eighteen percent of Americans believe President Obama is a Muslim, according to a new poll. The same number of Americans have "had a ghostly experience." America: Where every fifth person is reliably crazy. (For the record, Obama is Hindu.)

Here is a really cool video of a space shuttle launch (STS-124), taken from a tiny camera mounted on one of its solid rocket boosters. The booster separates at around 146,000 feet, eventually drifting to Earth via parachute.

Mark Zuckerberg's email ghostwriter has ditched him. Who is going apologize for the Facebook CEO's privacy sins now?

Douche of the Decade Joe Francis is threatening to sue Piranha 3D for showing "someone loosely based on Joe Francis" screaming bloody murder while piranhas tear his penis from his body with their rusty saw blade teeth.

Photographer Dwight Eschliman photographed each of the 37 ingredients in a Twinkie separately so you can see exactly what's inside. (Above: "whole eggs," baking soda and riboflavin.) After this, we're gonna stick to Ding Dongs.

A company promoting a pill that supposedly turns gray hair back to its original color has offered Anderson Cooper $1 million to get rid of his silver tresses. That is the stupidest thing we ever heard.

Six years after a viral video depicted his quest to offer "Free Hugs" to all of Sydney, "Juan Mann" (pronounced "one man") says he hasn't seen a dime of his campaign's ad and t-shirt sales. Business Insider reports.

In an unprecedented step, Google is letting privacy-sensitive Germans delete pictures of their homes from Google Street View. This is a limited time offer, however. Act now for maximum privacy. But only in Germany. Why?

An Indiana police officer told 21-year-old Demetrius Russ to pull up his damn pants. "You can't ask me for shit," Russ replied, saying he was "just swagging." After a discussion about his genitals, Russ was arrested.

It must be the influence of new judge André Leon Talley, but Tyra Banks' public access-grade reality competition America's Next Top Model is getting a high-class make over for its 15th "cycle." They even tricked Vogue into taking part.

A wacky British-born Internet entrepreneur who wants to be entertained, and perhaps even promote a website, is offering $1 million for someone to flash Barack Obama, on camera. How is this not a great deal?

It's a bit of a joke that straight guys are into "hot girl-on-girl action," but what's new is the burgeoning industry of "M/M romances," erotic novels about gay men written by and for straight women. What's that about?

Did you know that it's legal to videotape police in action? Yes, it is. Although you may have a police officer threaten to take you to jail, where inmates will "rape you," as in this video. Fair warning.

Donald Trump has teamed up with Talbott Teas to put his gilded name on a line of Trump Teas. Naturally, you can only brew the tea with Trump water after dining on a Trump Steak and drinking Trump Vodka. TRUMP!

Uh oh, the mop-tops are on the loose and they are committing crimes! The Smoking Gun has compiled a children's treasury of perps arrested for various crimes — from drive-bys to simple larceny — who all sport Justin Bieber 'dos.

Banking heir and "techno music star" Ivan Wilzig had a tummy ache one day. Suddenly his innie bellybutton exploded into an outie—filled, presumably, with his guts. The process nearly killed him. This is his harrowing absurdist story.