Douche of the Decade Joe Francis is threatening to sue Piranha 3D for showing "someone loosely based on Joe Francis" screaming bloody murder while piranhas tear his penis from his body with their rusty saw blade teeth.

Joe Francis' legal team started blowing hot air when O'Connell gleefully described his role in Piranha 3D thusly:

"I get to play Joe Francis!" Jerry O'Connell practically screams through the telephone. "Oh, wait. For legal reasons I'm supposed to say, 'I play someone loosely based on Joe Francis.'"

O'Connell's supple, layered portrait of Not Joe Francis is a study in the quintessence of douche. In the below video, Not Joe Francis cheers, "Make sure those titties are nice and perk-ay!" then grunts exuberantly and executes a dance move that is somewhere between a fist pump and the cabbage patch.

[There was a video here]

In the next video, Not Joe Francis screams as a school of piranhas bite him—and his penis—to pieces. Great plumes of blood swirl in the water. He screams and screams.

[There was a video here]

Piranha 3D appears to be holding back on the moment when the audience sees Not Joe Francis' disembodied penis flying towards them in three dimensions. This is probably for the best: It would be a disservice to witness that moment on any screen that is not at least 15 feet wide and 3D-equipped.

See Not Joe Francis get castrated at a movie theater near you, starting Friday. [P6, DailyBeast, Piranha3D]