Beef: It's What's For Dinner—Provided You Can Afford Its Record Price These Days. That is the slogan that Big Beef doesn't want you hearing. But facts are facts, folks: "Retail beef prices, now near record levels, will likely rise 4% to 5% this year following a 10% increase in 2011."

It's like hey, dogs, we get it. You hate cats. Fine. We heard you the first time and the second time and the one millionth time, with the barking. Maybe you should bark at a cat again? No, you should shut up!

Here's former political person Sarah Palin continuing her weird quest to endorse Newt Gingrich without really endorsing him, telling weekend Fox News muppet Jeanine Pirro that Republicans should vote for Newt Gingrich now to "rage against the machine" and "annoy a liberal."

Probable Yelp reviewer Zooey Deschanel has a devious plan to receive free publicity from this very website, according to commenter ManBearPig:

I think it's because she talks about oral sex just as much as Lil Kim but instead of Biggie in the background there's some kinda nerdy guy and so some people on the internet do a double take and say "The pretty smiling dancing girl in pigtails and short shorts who loves oral sex sometimes hangs out with kinda nerdy guys? Ah HMMMM."

Neuropsychiatric researchers say that although traditional antidepressants can take weeks to work, depressed patients who are given BANANAS 'PAUSE BUTTON ON YOUR BRAIN' K-HOLE-INDUCING CLUB DRUG KETAMINE A.K.A. SPECIAL K feel relief from their depression "almost instantly." But could huge shots of heroin combined with a baseball bat to the head be equally effective? Ketamine-receiving patients say [just stares at the wall].

In Arizona, America's greatest state, parenting is proceeding as expected: via sexting. Would sexual shaming via sexting work to control your teen's natural hot sexxxy nude photo urges? One man was brave enough to find out.

This foreign royal likes to indulge in the booger sugar when he's out at night clubs. This singer is giving fans herpes, this actor hates a movie he's in, and this actress is pissed she was offered the role of an older woman. Maybe a coke bender with a member of the monarchy will cheer her up.

To the Windy City, where a man's painful dilemma may redeem itself by serving as a teaching experience for us all. The Chicago Tribune reports the harrowing nightmare of friendship gone awry: "A 24-year-old man is hospitalized after being stabbed outside of a Wrigleyville dance bar early this morning by a man who seemingly was about to give the victim a hug."

Last week, NYC Fox News anchor Greg Kelly, the son of NYPD commissioner Ray Kelly, was accused of rape by a woman who said that he, you know, raped her in her office following a night of drinking. Now, anonymous police sources tell the city's least trustworthy tabloid that Kelly may be innocent.

"The World Is Yours," Nas.

I've often wondered what would happen if someone found a dead body on Storage Wars. We'll still have to wait for that episode, but U.S.A. Today picked up on a mildly gross, mostly kind of sad story out of Tampa. Local news reports that it was bad luck and not foul play that led Ann Bunch's daughter to entomb her dead mom in a storage unit for 17 years.

The number keeps rising, but Reuters is now saying more than 400 Occupy Oakland protesters have been arrested as Saturday night's protests continue into Sunday. That's obviously a pretty significant number, and it trumps the "between 200 and 300" number authorities gave earlier in the day. As has been the case throughout the Occupy movement, police officers and government officials claim they are only doing their jobs of maintaining the peace, while protesters insist the authorities are going way overboard.

We know what Lady Gaga would say, but what if queerness isn't simply a matter of genetics? What if some of us choose to be gay? That's a more controversial question than it should be — after all, there's nothing inherently wrong with being gay, so it shouldn't matter that some people, for reasons of their own, have opted into it. Nevertheless, Cynthia Nixon pissed off a huge chunk of the LGBT community when she told The New York Times Magazine that she chooses to be gay.

As some of us continue to lament Academy Awards snubs, Martin Scorsese has embarked on a nobler cause. The director of the Oscar-nominated Hugo feels that his film's dog, a Doberman named Blackie, was unfairly overlooked by the prestigious Golden Collar Awards. (Actually, these are the first annual Golden Collar Awards, but I treat all animal-related contests with the esteem they deserve.)

Newt Gingrich is not pulling any punches as he awaits his sure-to-be-staggering defeat by Mitt Romney in Florida. As reported by CNN, Gingrich made an appearance on ABC's This Week and said that Romney flat-out lied about his political past. Well, now I've heard everything.

I really hope someone at the L.A. City Attorney's Office appreciates the asinine logic here. TMZ reports that Demi Moore's 911 call — the one in which a friend said Demi had smoked something "like incense" — was edited to remove specific drug references. Because, you know, that totally makes a difference.

Don't read this if you're really hungover, or are easily grossed out, or want to eat oysters ever again. I've never really cared for them which is why I'm comfortable writing this. OK, warning over.

You'll have to wait until Valentine's Day to see This Means War, a romantic comedy in which Reese Witherspoon (along with the women and gay men in the audience) must choose between Chris Pine and Tom Hardy. I haven't seen the movie, so I can't fairly judge it — but I will, a little. Especially after an interview in which director McG admitted to shooting multiple endings in order to prevent people from finding out which hottie Witherspoon's character ends up with.

Our old friend Herman Cain delighted the internet — if not the Gingrich campaign — by officially endorsing Newt Gingrich in Florida Saturday night. No, I can't say for sure that Gingrich didn't appreciate the plug, but I think the NBC News story said it best.