It's been months since Hugh Hefner launched a buyout bid for the Playboy empire, only to be outbid by the owners of Penthouse. Hefner's in precarious position: he controls the company. But his bid sucks. And he needs cash, bad.

The FBI has charged 17 people with participating in a decade-long scam to bilk the government out of millions of dollars that were designated for Holocaust survivors and WWII Nazi victims. God will not be smiling on these people.

A new report by the EU's drug agency places Britain on top of the world's cocaine consuming nations, with more young Britons having used cocaine than Americans in the same age group. There's also been an increase in crack smoking.

Mean old granny Patty Bigbee last week was arrested for allegedly trying to sell her grandson for $30K, after initially asking for $70K. Why would someone ever sell their grandson? So mom can get a new car, that's why.

The Parents Television Council—the conservative busybodies who like to complain about all the good stuff on TV—has done a study of television curse words. Finally, we can know for sure which are the most popular swears!

The Carnival Splendor, a cruise ship bound for the Mexican Riviera, has been drifting off the coast of Mexico since a fire disabled engine operating systems. But it's not the first time the ship's run into trouble.

CNN anchor John King got so frustrated with his "magic" computerized touch-screen wall before the elections that he had a "meltdown" and told crew "I wish I brought a gun to work." To shoot the wall, one hopes.

Are you worried about global warming? Don't be! According to Illinois Rep. John Shimkus—candidate for chair of the House Energy and Commerce Committee—climate change isn't a big deal. How does he know? Because of the Bible!

Ask Jeeves has been dismissed from the search business. The virtual internet butler can at least share his shame with overlord Barry Diller, who is surrendering to a company that treated him little better than a servant.

A new study found that the economy is causing stress in 75 percent of New Yorkers—highest in the country. Other stresses include "health issues, housing costs and personal safety." What they're not stressed about: finding good Thai food.

Google has given all of its employees $1,000 cash "holiday bonuses" and 2011 salary increases of at least 10%, a loyal reader tells us.

The message of this baffling ad for the Washington Post iPad edition seems to be that technology is too difficult for newspaper journalists to master, who are generally old and confused and prone to yell strange things at one another.

In honor of Keith Olbermann's return to the air, enjoy this clip of Keith's first-ever network appearance—back when Keith's mustache was dark, the 49ers were good at football, and Pat Sajak ruled the airwaves. God, how we've fallen.

A few months ago, Tucker Carlson's pranky Daily Caller website purchased KeithOlbermann.com, and Carlson assumed the "keith@" email address. So one reporter who recently emailed that address for comment about Olbermann's MSNBC suspension has been getting some interesting, fake responses.

Back in the day, the U.S. had a policy of waterboarding people, but the CIA secretly destroyed the videotapes of these "sessions" in 2005. Now the agents responsible won't even be prosecuted. So that's how it works. [AP, photo]

Oh, Canada. They're always so smug and convinced they can outdo the U.S. But when it came time to formulate a Canadian version of Jersey Shore, they got all PC, casting people of different ethnic backgrounds. Know what? It's worse.

Indonesia's conservative information minister, Tifatul Sembiring, is eating so much crow for shaking Michelle Obama's hand upon the Obamas' arrival in Jakarta. Sembiring makes a point of not touching unrelated women! So he's awkwardly blaming Michelle Obama for this.

Duke officials have canceled the school's tailgate parties after the underage sibling of a student was found passed out drunk in a Porta-Potty. Whether it's a fuck list, inappropriate invitations, or toilet drunks, Duke always keeps things classy. [Photo: Flickr]

Barack Obama's trip to his ancient Muslim homeland of Indonesia is splashing all sorts of tender boyhood memories across the newspapers, like his gay male nanny who later became a transvestite volleyball player. Glenn Beck just came in his pants.

U.S.-India relations were advanced this week when Barack and Michelle Obama did some public dancing. This clip shows it all: Barack on The Mashed Potato, and Michelle mixing The Twist and Ride the Horsey. Michelle's on fire! Barack... good enthusiasm.