A Latin Grammy-winning pianist and wealthy oil heir was scammed out of as much as $20 million by computer repairpersons who convinced him that Polish priests from Opus Dei were targeting him for assassination. Oldest scam in the book.

News helicopters caught video of a rather large missile hurtling skyward from the ocean about 35 miles west of Los Angeles last night. Pentagon officials have no idea where it came from. Neither does the Navy. Sleep well, America.

Scientific research has proved that "hyper-texting" teens—those who send 120 or more texts per day—are derelict, horny druggies. Well, at least compared to teens who text less, they are. Hyper-texters also like to fight and binge drink.

Tony Judt, the British historian and intellectual, died in August after a genuinely courageous battle with ALS, and we already miss him. So it was a treat to read a new essay of his in The New York Times.

New evidence could strengthen the argument that the Stone Age domestication of cereals—which in turn led to farming and "settled behavior"—was intended for beer, not food. Yes, that's right: Without beer, there might never have been civilization.

Flying is the worst. Unless you happen to be on the same Minneapolis-New York flight as rapper Kanye West, in which case he will perform a short a cappella version of his 2005 hit "Gold Digger." Over the flight intercom.

When 11-year-old Reuben Soames searched for his family's address on Google Maps, he was just looking for a picture of their home. He ended up finding a man apparently in the midst of stealing his family's caravan.

MSNBC anchor Keith Olbermann has released a statement thanking supporters a day in advance of his return from a four-day, two-show suspension over unreported political donations. And, wouldn't you know it: Olbermann didn't even know about the rule he violated!

The annual Yale-Harvard football game is almost upon us, and Yale's freshman class went right for the jugular with an official t-shirt mocking Facebook co-founder Mark Zuckerberg as "antisocial." As opposed to, say, Yale freshmen.

It took the runners hours to finish, but thanks to this MTA time-lapse video, you can watch the joggers in yesterday's NYC Marathon begin the race by crossing the Verrazano bridge in no time at all. Participation is overrated anyway.

A PhD student in New Zealand has invented an internet "bot" to automatically shower him with gifts by buying cheap items in online auctions. Because computer friends, you see, do not forsake you.

Florida Gov. Charlie Crist, who will be unemployed in two months, may pardon the late Doors frontman Jim Morrison over a famous 1969 indecent exposure charge. (He drunkenly waved his penis around, allegedly.) Finally, hippies have something to cheer for.

Billionaire sex criminal Jeffrey Epstein couldn't just slink away into obscenely wealthy obscurity on his private Caribbean island after pleading guilty to paying high school girls to tug on his egg-shaped penis. No, he started a blog. About science.

A federal judge has already blocked Oklahoma's new ban on Sharia law enforcement, which they voted into the state constitution last Tuesday. Stupid judge! Can't he see that encroaching Muslims forces are only miles away from capturing Tulsa?

A poll on TVGuide.com is asking the public to vote on the best teen role model on TV. Bristol Palin only has 4% of the vote just behind that hussy Miley Cyrus. iCarly's Miranda Cosgrove leads by a wide margin.

Old-fashioned STD tests are too slow and awkward for British youth, so the government's funding a computer chip you pee on and attach to your phone for an instant diagnosis. You don't even have to leave your favorite nightclub bathroom!

Martin Erzinger, a wealthy money manager at Morgan Stanley, struck and seriously injured a bicyclist with his Mercedes in Colorado last summer—and fled the scene. But Erzinger's getting off with a misdemeanor, because a felony could hurt his career.

This is Colleen Thomas, a home health administrator turned physicist who specializes in the science of creation. She is also the "mother" of a race of good aliens here on Earth to defend humans from lizard people. Yes, lizard people!

What experience made you all pro-life? For beloved former President George W. Bush, it was that time his mama had a miscarriage and showed him the jarred fetus. From then on, Bush knew that he must protect America's fetuses, forever.

Andrew Shirvell, the Michigan assistant attorney general who moonlights as a gay college student body president's cyberbully without realizing how weird that is, has been temporarily suspended pending a hearing. Update: Now he's been fired.