Al Qaida in Iraq keeps excellent books, which some Rand Corporation analysts got a hold of and used to conduct a forensic audit to figure out how Al Qaida functions. Very efficiently, it turns out. But the pay's no good.

Click to viewAfter a lackluster (there, I said it) second season and brief preview of Season 3, I was beginning to worry that Jersey Shore was turning into a horrendous bore. I think I was wrong.

Presidential hopeful Haley Barbour has clarified his fond remembrance of the White Citizens Councils of the Civil Rights-era South, whose members weren't community heroes so much as they were Klansmen in suits. Barbour added today that the Councils were "indefensible."

Finally, we can see deported Russian spy Anna Chapman's boobs in red-blooded American magazine Playboy. It's not like she posed for them, they were released by an ex-boyfriend. Not getting any money for them should teach that communist a lesson!

Model agency IMG simultaneously fired Taylor Momsen and hired Dakota Fanning. Recall that Dakota also beat Taylor for the role of Cherie Currie in The Runaways, leaving a a shaggy-haired Momsen no choice but to start her own band.

Apple banned the Wikileaks iPhone app, determining it could hurt people, or is illegal, or both. The company didn't actually specify why 73 million iPhone owners are forbidden from using the app, but did coyly hint at the reason.

The 150th anniversary of South Carolina's secession is upon us. Many South Carolinians attended a celebratory, black-tie secession ball last night. It featured "a 45-minute theatrical play re-enacting the signing of the Ordinance of Secession," among other things.

Paris Hilton's flight to Hawaii was evacuated today after a passenger found a box cutter in a seat pocket. (Apparently a member of the flight crew just misplaced it.) But doesn't it seem like every time Paris travels, there's trouble?

What terrible things should you fear today, you ask? Terrorists plotting to poison food at hotels and restaurants; crude bombs on Rome's subway; and the "suspicious odor" that caused the UN to evacuate this morning. And it's only 1pm.

The first major findings from the 2010 census are in, and America has a population of 308,745,538, give or take a few. That's a 9.7% increase over the last decade. What else does the data tell us?

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange cycles through friendships like a 13-year-old girl. The object of today's outburst: His former bestie, Guardian reporter Nick Davies, for totally spreading mean rumors about him!

Leonardo DiCaprio made the film industry $1.1 billion dollars this year with his movies, Inception and Shutter Island. According to a list compiled by Forbes, he made Hollywood more money than anyone, but you'll be surprised who came in second.

Senate Republicans love President Obama's nuclear treaty with Russia now! Several stragglers are announcing their support today, and it could get up to 75 votes. What changed? Senators sat through a classified session yesterday, which was presumably scary as shit.

TMZ says a Betty Ford Clinic employee is accusing Lindsay Lohan of battery, and wants her prosecuted. Meanwhile, Radar says a "major blow-up" with an employee drove LiLo to a "secret location." Update: Michael Lohan confirms fight, blames employee.

In light of the most recent accident at the Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, we just cannot stay silent any longer! This is a terrible and, evidently, dangerous show that they need to pull the plug on.

In this video, a tiny asshole who's just gotten a Wii and a bunch of other toys for Christmas freaks out when his parents dare to give him a book, a book, as well. This is why we're dumb, folks.

Taiwanese restaurateur and chef Wang Cong-yuan sells what's generally agreed to be the world's most expensive bowl of noodles—a $324 beef dish that he says people order every day. What, exactly, goes into a $324 noodle bowl?

A dog in Germany gave birth to 17 healthy puppies! They were bottle-fed because "their mother's nipples could have never coped with the demand," which is a set of words I never expected to read in an AP article.

Comedian Tracy Morgan had a kidney transplant last week. No, really! He's recovering fine, but is likely to miss two or three episodes of 30 Rock sometime in March—his character, Tracy Jordan, "will have some sort of meltdown."

Attention, white people: Your friends at the racist-as-hell Council of Conservative Citizens want you to boycott the new Thor movie. Why? Because a black actor has been cast as a Norse god! It's an "insulting multi-cultural make-over"! Wait, what?