Republicans have a problem heading into the 2012 presidential election: They don't like any of their potential candidates. Huckabee, Romney, Palin, Gingrich, Thune, Pawlenty, Barbour and whoever else comes to mind are all losers. It's hard enough to knock off a sitting president, especially one whose poll numbers are on the rise and is, regardless of your opinion of what his "centrist" motives may portend, doing a fine job thus far of establishing himself as Washington's last reasonable man. It's even harder when all of your potential candidates are, again, losers.

Frank Wisner, our special envoy to Egypt and Barack Obama's point man for managing the ongoing crisis there, planted a big wet kiss on Hosni Mubarak over the weekend when he told attendees of a German security conference that Mubarak "must stay in office," which is not even remotely close to what Barack Obama has been saying.

Kacey Jordan, the chatty porn star who got a major career boost by admitting to smoking crack with Charlie Sheen, is now working on a XXX recreation of her night with him. Sort of like a historical recreation for the History Channel! But with more moaning.

Google marketing executive Wael Ghonim, who went missing for two weeks, is extremely "happy and emotional" following his release today by Egyptian authorities. Indeed: Ghonim promptly asked for the resignation of the ruling party figure who sprung him from jail.

Bristol Palin has had a long and at times difficult career in show business. It's about time she settled down and wrote her glorious memoirs. And that's exactly what she's doing, from that house she bought in Arizona.

The Golden Globes and SAG Awards have been given out and the Oscar nominations have been announced, so we are reaching the denouement of the 2011 Awards Season Thrill-Parade. And, unfortunately, one of the saddest narratives of the season is playing out with one of our favorite actresses, Melissa Leo. She's gotten way too into the whole hoopla.

Grammy-nominated rapper B.o.B. performed his song "Airplanes" on a Delta airlines P.A. system. Now, cute as seeing this on Delta's official YouTube channel is, how annoying would it be to be forced to listen to B.o.B. warbling along to an MP3 of his own song, through a tinny airplane sound system? Can't we all just agree to sit in tense, angry silence when flying the friendly skies?

A Sarah Palin appearance can do wonders for a non-profit's convention. Assuming it doesn't get the entire event canceled in the first place, because so many people hate Sarah Palin.

Last night Fox tried to indoctrinate the half-drunk, post-Super Bowl audience with a random grab bag of jazz hands and pop confections called Glee. We hope they tuned in to have some of their questions about this phenomenon answered, but there is one question that Glee can't seem to answer these days: Why?

The White House got all pretentious with its beer selection at yesterday's Super Bowl party. This concoction, the "White House Honey Ale," was made with one pound of honey from the White House Bee Hive, and you'll never get to taste it.

There's a very good reason that our culture's most enduring artistic and moral icons all died young: because if they'd stuck around long enough, they'd have ended up shilling for sugary beverages during the Super Bowl. So long, Eminem. You were fun while you lasted.

Former greatest president ever Ronald Reagan turned 100 yesterday, you may have heard. A bunch of old white people fêted him out at his ranch in California, shortly before the Super Bowl. But the best memorial to the Ol' Gipper wasn't delivered in Simi Valley. It was in the pages of Politico, and penned by weird Scottsdale porn scribe Rep. Ben Quayle:

A slow weekend saw the ladies rushing out to the cineplexes to have their fun before football madness descended upon the land and all was boy until Monday.

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is in a London courthouse today fighting an extradition request from Sweden to face rape charges there, and his lawyer says if England lets Sweden get its hands on him, he'll end up at Gitmo, or dead.

America's pharmacies are under assault by desperate junkies willing to do anything for their next Oxycontin fix! If you went to high school in small-town America, this is old news; you almost certainly know at least one guy who was doing this way before it was a New York Times-certified trend. Wherever there is an assured supply of opiates, so too will there be a screwdriver-wielding mullet-sporter willing to menace a Rite Aid employee in order to get some of those opiates. But now, it must be admitted, the crimes are costing our nation's pharmacies a bit of their traditional charm:

While Christina Aguilera does star-spangled damage control, her handlers fret about alcoholism. Lindsay Lohan's felony grand theft charge looms. Jessica Szohr may be dating the Packers' quarterback. Monday gossip streams o'er the land of the brave.

She got it from her much older boyfriend. This actor went to the Super Bowl so he wouldn't seem gay, this actress has been in the loony bin, and this older actor is exhausted by his new, younger lover. At least she didn't give him anything he can't get rid of!

Columbia University: where you can almost taste the class conflict lapping at the edge of campus. According to a credulity-straining (fictional?) report in The Morningside Post, Columbia student Jane Watkins was hurrying up 114th on her way to class when she was rudely mugged. By very polite muggers!

Gawker has a brand new look as of today. Let's take a look around, shall we?

Babies! We all love cute little babies! You know who else loves babies? The Walt Disney Company. In fact, Disney loves babies so much that they've struck a deal to creep up on newborns and their parents in the hospital.