Do you care about children, the education of children, or the future of children, and our system for educating them? Then we have bad news for you. Lots of bad news.

AOL bought the Huffington Post yesterday for $315 million. Matt Drudge says that Arianna Huffington's cut was $18 million. The Washington Post quotes an analyst saying Arianna made $100 million. Hmm. She's not poor, at least! Know specifics? Email me.

TMZ is reporting that cocaine golem Lindsay Lohan, the troubled actress who's been in and out of both jail cells and rehab over the past few years, is in talks to get a major role in the new Superman movie currently in the works at Warner Bros. If this is true, it would be surprising!

It's official: As had been rumored for hours, Keith Olbermann is bringing his special brand of self-righteous haranguing to Current TV, Al Gore's weird TV thingie that no one watches. On a phone conference call today, Olbermann revealed that he will host an hour-long newscast five nights a week for Current and will serve as the network's "Chief News Officer."

The Democratic Leadership Council has been a bogeyman to liberals for decades, symbolizing the party's corporate sellout with its philosophy of spreading public welfare through market-based solutions. It was the organization that then-Arkansas Gov. Bill Clinton chaired in the '80s; when he became president, he adhered to its policy goals: welfare reform, balanced budgets, free trade. The DLC would go on to support the invasion of Iraq in 2003, for some reason.

We've long known that the gap in wealth and earnings between the haves and the have-nots has the potential to undermine the very foundation of American society. We're referring, of course, exclusively to attorneys. The young bottom-of-the-food-chain document reviewers toiling for a meager pittance can scarcely behold the salaries of their superiors. And it's getting worse; the WSJ reports that "traditional notions of pay equity are falling by the wayside."

1. "This award-winning actor has always led a double life. He married his beard, but it was never a real marriage. Just a business partnership. Then he got a new acting gig… and a new twink boyfriend… and a new beard. Poor wifey, right? Not at all. She knew what the deal was all along. Besides, she's not exactly moping around her gilded cage of a house. She's had a boyfriend in the wings the whole time." [Blind Gossip]

Eva Longoria rebounds with a pierced pop star. Lindsay Lohan still on the hook for grand theft. Holly Madison gets $30,000 to sit next to a rich guy. Bieber's secret alias is Chandler Bing. Tuesday gossip blows everyone's covers.

Following Louisiana's lead, last week Florida slapped an emergency ban on synthetic drugs that are marketed as "bath salts" because people are losing their minds after snorting and smoking "Vanilla Sky," "White Lightning," and "Ivory Snow." The state's attorney general was pushed to ban the "drug" after some people flipped out, according to NPR:

Last Friday a mother in Queens bought her kids a DVD at Toys "R" Us, Nickelodeon All-Star Sports Day featuring Dora the Explorer and her pal, Diego. The next day, Candice Connor sat down to watch it with her two sons, Nigel and Logan, but instead of watching Diego and Dora work on their swings and shoot hoops, Nigel, 11, told the Daily News:

Christina Aguilera screwed up the lyrics to "The Star-Spangled Banner" at the Super Bowl on Sunday. And, hours later, when we realized she'd messed up the lyrics, the country was plunged deep into a crisis from which it may never emerge. Do we need a new national anthem? And if so, what should it be?

Monday was the last night of musician/god Prince's run of concerts at Madison Square Garden, and because he is Prince, and does what he wants, he invited large-busted socialite Kim Kardashian to dance with him onstage (around 1:00 in the video). But she didn't dance! Instead, she stood there and pulled that awkward-pretend-laugh-oh-God-I'm-so-uncomfortable move that is a favorite of people who can't dance, or don't want to embarrass themselves trying.

Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, the $65 million Broadway musical from Lion King director Julie Taymor and Bono, of the Irish Bonos, was supposed to open on Monday night. It didn't—it's been delayed, again, till March 15—but that didn't stop a bunch of critics from reviewing it anyway. And they all agree: It's unbelievably bad.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has taken out a restraining order against an alleged stalker, a 31-year-old man named Pradeep Manukonda, who's apparently been sending Zuckerberg "threatening" messages through (where else?) Facebook.

What's the Mafia controlling these days? Well, Sicilian tomatoes, for one thing. But also, nudie pics of Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, according to loudmouthed paparazzo Fabrizio Corona.

Even an online cesspool has limits. Ali Saad now says "I got fucked for" visiting 4chan's notorious /b/ message board, but his talk of going on a shooting spree at his Michigan community college probably better explains his FBI arrest.

Today has been a hard day. As you may have noticed, we took the bandages off of our new face this morning and, it would seem, we horrified some of you with the results.

A lady in New Mexico received a yogurt sample from her local grocer. She recognized the flavor: semen. She spat the yogurt out and called the cops. Forensic evidence later revealed sperm cells in the lady's yogurt.

• Debra Messing just cannot stay away from the gays! This is what everyone will say about the new pilot she's going to star in, Smash. She'll play a lyricist working with a GAY MAN on a Broadway musical about Marilyn Monroe. This is an NBC sitcom pilot all about a musical! So who cares about the gay guy?? Debra Messing could be doing this show with a ten-pound stinkbug and I'd be excited about it. The Debra Messing part could itself be played by a ten-pound stinkbug and I wouldn't care. (I'd maybe even be more excited?) Let's forget the Grace 2.0 stuff and focus on the fact that Glee has made theater slightly cool for a hot minute and enjoy it. [Deadline]

Governors across America are finally acknowledging that deep, painful budget cuts are unavoidable. But there's no one-size-fits-all prescription for state budget cuts. That's so stupid! For patriotism, we've composed this highly specific listicle noting exactly what each state in the union can cut back on. Is your state included? (Yes.)