Former greatest president ever Ronald Reagan turned 100 yesterday, you may have heard. A bunch of old white people fêted him out at his ranch in California, shortly before the Super Bowl. But the best memorial to the Ol' Gipper wasn't delivered in Simi Valley. It was in the pages of Politico, and penned by weird Scottsdale porn scribe Rep. Ben Quayle:

When I was a child, President Ronald Reagan was the nice man who gave us jelly beans when we visited the White House.

I didn't know then, but I know it now: The jelly beans were much more than a sweet treat that he gave out as gifts. They represented the uniqueness and greatness of America - each one different and special in its own way, but collectively they blended in harmony.

Well, Reagan only got into jelly beans as a replacement for cigarettes when he quit smoking. But this "uniqueness and greatness of America" thing works, too.

[Image via AP]