Democratic Virginia Sen. Jim Webb announced today that he wouldn't seek reelection in 2012, after only one term. That means we, the public, won't get an exciting rematch between him and ex-Sen. George "Macaca" Allen after all.

To prepare for court, Lindsay Lohan gets her hair did. Jude Law and Sienna Miller break up. Kim Kardashian gains 10 lbs. on "street meat." Kevin Smith loses 65 lbs. on a diet of shame. Wednesday gossip sits in judgment.

This famous lady dropped some serious coin on sex outfits for her celebrity beau. This musician is cheating and this star's wife caught him watching porn. This year, smut is going to be his Valentine.

The United States already has a major image problem in the Arab world, and a new State Department report on the abuse of foreign workers at U.S. embassies in the region is sure to make it worse.

Pleasures, Alabama's drive-thru sex shop, is offering a great Valentine's Day special: Until February 15, customers can swap firearms for store credit. The store's owner, Sherri Williams told AFP, "This way, they can take something that's just lying around and swap it for something they can take home and make love, not war with."

Fox News host and fearless questioner-of-the-moon Bill O'Reilly interviewed President Obama for a Super Bowl special. Sort of. Wonkette counted up the number of times O'Reilly interrupted the president, and edited together this wonderful video of journalism in action. [Wonkette]

Has anyone seen 700,000 ultrathin Japanese condoms? Malaysian police are looking for them. The condoms, manufactured by the Sagami Rubber Corporation, were loaded onto a container in Malaysia last week, but never arrived in Japan (the container did arrive, empty, with its locks changed). Rest assured, no expense is being spared:

Looks like the terrorists have finally won. The magazine war, that is! A new Tea Party magazine launches this weekend, and compared with al Qaeda's at-home terrorism magazine Inspire, it totally sucks.

Holy crap, it's actually happening: The AP reports that prosecutors plan to charge Lindsay Lohan with the felony grand theft of a $2,500 necklace.

New York is full of actresses right now, some of them relaxing, others working. But all of them, as we've interpreted from these paparazzi photos, are thinking about Ashton Kutcher. First up is Natalie Portman who, while waiting for a cab, remembers what it was like filming No Strings Attached. [Splash]

Remember last spring, when the nation was seized by the fear that every late-model Toyota was on the verge of surging forward on an uncontrollable terror-drive? Well, NASA and the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration looked into it, and it turns out people were probably just accidentally pressing the gas instead of the brake. Sorry!

Failed GOP Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell is back, and she's telling supporters she wants her newly formed political action committee ChristinePAC to "investigate and counter attack leftwing groups."

Space smell! Science selling secrets! Copper popularity! Alcoholism genes! Pregnant running! Infant sleeping! Bullies exposed! Dinosaur footprints explained! And fat black widows! It's your Tuesday Science Watch, where we watch science—successfully!

Today in Trades we have two items about Meryl Streep, Maria Bello considers stepping into Helen Mirren's old shoes, Glee gets on the tour bus once more, and other news.

Jersey Shore brawler and undiscovered artistic talent Jenni "JWOWW" Farley released her dating guide, The Rules According to JWOWW, today. Shockingly, she's got some pretty good advice for everyone.

Fox News put together a focus group of likely Iowa Republican caucus-goers to watch President Obama's pre-Super Bowl interview with Bill O'Reilly and gauge their reactions. So why were the reactions so negative when he was giving fairly boilerplate responses to O'Reilly's questions about the Egyptian uprising and any potential threats posed by the Muslim Brotherhood?

Facebook announced it will move to new offices nearly seven times the size of its current headquarters. Someone is planning on conquering the world, clearly.

Experts who support the new health care law haven't been able to sway public opinion much with the drab language of health economics. So now they'll just make a comic book — sorry, graphic novel — about it and see if that does the trick. You love comic books and movies about comic books, don't you, America? Well just wait until the comic book ethos is applied to such sexy topics as risk pooling and the medical-loss ratio, by an MIT economist author!

Snoooooze. Wasn't last night's episode boring? What happened? Nothing! Well, I mean, things happened, but nothing sexy, really. It was all about business and morals and, like, whether parolees should stay at your house and stuff. Who cares! Who among us hasn't answered the question of whether a parolee should live in our house a long time ago, and in our own way? These are mundane, well-trod topics people, and they do not make for exciting television. Sigh.

Just when you thought the Winklevoss twins' jihad against Facebook couldn't get more ridiculous, they give an aggressively homoerotic video interview to The Daily. Watch the Teutonic twins pump iron, flex butt cheeks, and flaunt nipples to an action movie soundtrack.