Kim Kardashian debuted her first foray into music—a feat of autotuning called "Jam"—on Ryan Seacrest's radio show today. "Turn me up, Turn me up, Turn me, Turn me, Turn me up," she bleats thinly. Kim is either trapped at a club with very quiet DJ (The same club where Ke$ha and J.Lo are always begging, "Turn it up." Maybe the deejays are quiet because they only have access to shitty songs?) or she is asking us to turn up the faucet from which all things Kim Kardashian pour, because this song is a celebration of the art of earning your keep with half-hearted product endorsements and paid appearances:

Yesterday, a tipster sent us this photo that a friend had taken at a Manhattan Baby Gap store near Union Square. If we didn't know better, we'd say that Baby Gap is now in the lynching business.

Christina Aguilera's mugshot wasn't supposed to be released, but here it is, anyway. Scarlett Johansson gives Sean Penn a lap dance with her foot. Montana Fishburne narrowly avoids jailtime. Wednesday gossip sneaks forbidden peeks.

This actress made everyone think she gave the entire crew Christmas gifts when it was really a more generous co-star. This drug-addled couple are fighting over their kids, and this celeb needs rehab for more than just booze. Everything these days is a relapse.

Police arrived at actor/F-18 jet Charlie Sheen's house on Tuesday night and removed his twin boys from his custody, following allegations that he threatened his ex-wife Brooke Mueller on several occasions. (Mueller had obtained a restraining order against Sheen earlier in the day; she alleges that he threatened to "stab [her] eye with a pen knife" and, at another time, "cut [her] head off, put it in a box, and send it to [her] mom.")

Legislators in Wisconsin, where Gov. Scott Walker was recently on the business end of an embarrassing prank telephone call, have decided that it is in their state's best interest to ban prank calls. A bill currently circulating in the Wisconsin legislature, authored by Sen. Mary Lazich and Rep. Mark Honadel, both Republicans, would prevent callers from using fake voices, or phone numbers, in order to "defraud, cause harm or wrongfully obtain any information of value from" the person on the other end of the line; those found guilty of prank calls could be subject to fines of as much as $10,000.

Teenagers and young adults who, in the words of the BBC, "use cannabis," are increasing their risk of psychosis, according to a new study. Of course, the link between psychosis and marijuana use is well-documented (remember that kid from high school? Who smoked all that weed? And then a few years later he left you a voicemail letting you know that he was in touch with the German Chancellor about the second coming?)—this study, however, seems to indicate that cannabis usage comes first, and not as a self-medication strategy for symptoms of psychosis:

Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich will announce the formation of an exploratory committee—the first stage in presidential candidacy—on Thursday, according to a longtime aide. Or, that's not what he's doing at all, according to another longtime aide. Oh, boy, this will be fun!

International Herald Tribune fashion writer Suzy Menkes talked to friends of newly-disgraced fashion designer John Galliano, who say they have successfully persuaded him to enter rehab immediately following his anti-Semitic tirade last week. The shame cycle is now complete.

Meet Twitter's newest verified user: @CharlieSheen, which is gaining followers at a rate of approximately 500/second, without having fired off a single tweet. Some 34,000 people and counting(!) are now following Sheen. But what will his first tweet be? Predict in the comments. [Image of Sheen via Getty]

Child fever! Nicotine gum! Obesity docs! Baby times! Optimistic death! Lying teenagers! Running job! Women smoking! And menthol vindication! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with a minimally acceptable level of competence!

Recently retired Sen. Chris Dodd, who said last year that he wouldn't take a lobbying job after leaving Congress, has taken a massive lobbying job: Chairman of the Motion Picture Association of America. Congratulations, Chris Dodd!

Crucial point to make about Mike Huckabee: He's nuts. A nice guy, sure. But nuts! He has no idea what he's saying at any given point. Only a matter of days ago he was telling the Birther crowd to shut up about Barack Obama's birth certificate, describing it as "nonsense." But then he goes and rambles about Barack Obama's childhood in Kenya! What is even happening with this man?

The British government is spending nearly $80 million to track 40,000 households over the next 20 years to "Understand Society," as the study is called. The first published findings give us a breakdown of how to be the perfect couple.

Republicans rarely miss a chance to go out of their way to stick it to the hippies and their twee environmental issues when they take power. When Ronald Reagan became president, for example, he stripped off the modest cluster of solar panels Jimmy Carter had installed on the White House roof, just to make the point that America shouldn't see its long addiction to hydrocarbons as something worth changing. And now, as part of the Tea Party Revolution, House Republicans are getting rid of the biodegradable utensils and food and drink containers that Nancy Pelosi introduced in the House cafeteria, in favor of the more traditional and evil styrofoam.

You know the difference between the putrid air of the metropolitan area and the searing sting of fresh air out in the country. But which cities are the most toxic? A new study finds out.

New Orleans pastor Grant Storms was arrested for indecency after being caught punching the Pope in a park. Storms harassed partiers at gay festival Southern Decadence for decades. Now he's calling himself a "hypocrite." He beat us to it!

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange has—reportedly—told the British satirical and current affairs magazine Private Eye that there is a conspiracy of Jewish reporters out to get him, and that they're a bunch of little girls. He did this in response to charges that he associates with anti-Semites. Touche!

A Dane County, Wisc., judge has issued a temporary restraining order to reopen the Wisconsin Capitol building to the public. Capitol access was restricted over the weekend and again this morning, following days in which the building had been crowded with protesters. The Wisconsin State Employees Union, along with the AFL-CIO and AFSCME, filed the suit against the state of Wisconsin yesterday.

Andy Cohen has finally gone too far. The Bravo exec and culture gadabout was on Morning Joe today discussing, among other things, the Oscars, and went into a mini-tirade about the end of the show, when Staten Island's own PS 22 chorus, a group of adorable tear-inducing school children, came out and sang.