There was an anti-bullying conference today, where everyone talked about the importance of protecting America's dweebs and losers. (Kidding: Everyone is special in their own way.) During a speech, Obama said he was bullied as a kid for looking funny and being different. From CNN:

Gov. Scott Walker's "budget repair bill," which strips Wisconsin's unionized public employees of most collective bargaining rights, passed the state Assembly this afternoon after moving through the Senate last night. Walker won't waste much time before signing it.

Mental game! Lupus drug! Elderly tech! Menopause needles! Cancer survivors! Cigarette sales! Tainted beef! Premature drugs! And the total crumbling of American healthcare! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—laughing, but really crying!

How dead is Soviet-style communism? This dead:

President Obama's Director of National Intelligence, James Clapper, was called to testify before the Senate Armed Services Committee today, and stupidly tried to give an honest assessment of difficult foreign policy situations in response to questions asking for that. Now he's in big trouble, or at least Lindsey Graham wants him to resign.

If you mid-late twentysomethings weren't feeling the creep of years yet, this TV news will get you there. Also today: pilot news about a terrible musical show, Keira Knightley slums it, and Hemingway gets his wives.

In case you've forgotten, the Republicans control the House of Representatives now. Yes, the American one! But do they remember how to greet foreign dignitaries and other fancy people after their four-year exile in power? Not really, so John Boehner had to send a staffer to etiquette school.

We all know that Rachel Zoe is the skinny (even when pregnant) crazy lady who runs around in recycled hippie garb and dresses celebs. She even has a TV show. But did you know that she's raking in serious money? I. Die.

Bristol Palin's new boyfriend Giacinto "Gino" Paoletti seems like a real salt-of-the-earth fellow. He's a believer, so Sarah must love him. Except he makes fun of people with Down syndrome and thinks reality TV shows about Alaska suck.

So let's get this out of the way: I did not pretend to be dying of cancer on the popular link-sharing site Reddit. It wasn't me! Call off the hordes! Sheath your pitchforks. Extinguish the torches.

Sen. Rand Paul had a powerful line of questioning today for Kathleen Hogan, the deputy assistant energy secretary for efficiency. In a hearing about renewing appliance efficiency standards — hint: Rand Paul does not want any — he meandered about regulations for light bulbs, washing machines, and most importantly toilets. Why is Rand Paul forced, assuming he is, to buy useless energy-efficient products, when women aren't forced to carry all of their pregnancies to term? This is what Rand Paul argued.

Charlie Sheen is so winning that he didn't just file a lawsuit for $100 million against Warner Bros., which makes Two and a Half Men, but he did it for himself and the entire cast and crew. Oh, that Charlie. He's so generous!

Say it with me, men: "I am proud of my eyebrows. There are many like them, but these eyebrows are mine. I pledge not to pay money to somebody in what is basically a salon (no matter what ridiculous name they may give it) to fuck with my eyebrows. If they get really out of control, well, that's what clippers are for."

Wisconsin's 14 Democratic senators appear to be returning home from Illinois, where they've spent the last three weeks in exile to deny Gov. Scott Walker a vote on his union-busting "budget repair bill" — which passed last night using non-budget rules and under questionable legality.

Everyone's favorite cooking competition was on fire last night. No, it was actually on fire. As in there were sirens and trucks and firemen. No, they were not hot, but the competition was.

Lindsay Lohan arrived in court today 35 minutes late and in a tight tan mini-dress. (Is that leather?) At the hearing, she rejected a plea deal for the felony grand theft of a $2500 necklace. This means Lindsay is headed to trial! A whole trial's worth of LiLo court outfits! Think of the possibilities. (If you're thinking about going into the paparazzi business, now is a good time.) First, however, the court will convene on April 22 for a preliminary hearing where the prosecution will present evidence.

A situation is developing in Liverpool, England that could, if it unravels, have repercussions the world over. Pop gremlin Justin Bieber and his hardened posse are currently stuck in their hotel room because a huge throng of fans has gathered outside, waiting for a peek of their beloved moptop. The police are trying to control the crowd and have threatened Bieber and his crew with arrest if they go anywhere near their balcony, fearing that if the girls below catch a glimpse, a "possible riot situation" could develop.

With revolution sweeping the Arab world and new photos of Hitler's mistress coming to light, murderous dictators are much in the news. Here's border control zealot Mark Krikorian raising a timely question, in National Review blog The Corner:

This is probably not the "YouTube moment" that IRA Rep. Peter King wanted for his big Islamic radicalization hearings today. It's Rep. Keith Ellison, a Muslim, breaking down while telling the story about a Muslim first responder who gave his life on 9/11. King, meanwhile, started his day by revealing that he's been under police protection for months because of an "overseas threat against him."

God. The worst part about global warming is what it does to prices at your local yuppie coffee shop. Coffee yields are way down in drought-stricken Colombia. Sucks for us! Arabica coffee prices are at a 34-year high. Sucks for us! Global coffee prices are at a 14-year high. Sucks for us!