Here, with 5,000+ views, is what will (hopefully) become our new national anthem when America finally gets the courage to ditch dated old Francis Scott Key: 14-year-old Kory Shore's "Crying for America." He stands around bronzed statues of the Founding Fathers, plays the piano, and magically climbs Mount Rushmore, all while lamenting our failed nation. It's just like Rebecca Black's "Friday," except a male sings it and it's a completely different song. Also, he seems to think that America is capable of... improving itself? Don't know what that's about. [via Videogum]

Georgia Republican Rep. Bobby Franklin thinks miscarriages are actually secret murders and that paper money is a fraud. And he gets a lot of support for those positions. In fact, according to his home answering machine, everyone who calls him is a supporter!

This month Rebecca Black's "Friday" hit the Internet like audio-visual swine flu—and the Internet hit back. She seemed to come out of nowhere, possibly autotuned from her first word. But Black was spawned by the vanity production company Ark Music Factory. We spoke with Ark Music Factory CEO Patrice Wilson, who claimed "Friday" was dumb by design.

Last night was, thankfully, the finale of this short trip to Miami. Well, short is relative! Though it was only six episodes, it felt like much, much more, didn't it? It's been quite a journey. Let's see where we ended up, eh?

Marilyn Leisz can't close her eyes even when she sleeps, and she was in a New Jersey court yesterday suing her plastic surgeon Paul Parker, because she claims this is the result of a cosmetic eye surgery gone bad.

Here's footage taken by an intrepid German tourist (and railroad enthusiast) of the 42nd Street Times Square subway stop back in 1986.

Literal killer whale Tilikum—the six-ton orca that thrashed a 40-year-old trainer to death in front of a live audience last year—has returned to Sea World's increasingly harrowing killer whale show, "Believe." Apparently the show is an "important component" in Tilikum's "physical, social, and mental enrichment," and trainers will only interact with him from a distance. [NYDN, image via AP]

Oh, those House Republican freshmen. They're furious at Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and his Democratic caucus for not passing the full $61 billion in budget cuts that they want. Why can't Senate Dems just listen to the American people, they ask, and eliminate funding for every program Democrats like? Because until this happens, 30 House Republican freshmen promise to stand on the Senate steps everyday, just straight-up making a ruckus.

This morning on Fox News's idiot conspiracy bunker variety hour, the pulsating nerve sacks were talking with veteran soap opera actress Susan Lucci. What were they most curious about? All those soap opera kisses of course! So they asked Susan for a tutorial.

Philosophy! Not only are just about all of us ignorant of the field's meaning, teachings, and history—we're also ignorant of its gossip. That ends today, lucky philosophites! Everyone's talking about Philosophy Department sexual harassment.

American princess turned white English tea rose Gwyneth Paltrow loves to cook food. We know this. She's always nattering on about her love of cooking, and is even releasing a cookbook. So what's the next logical step the divine Ms. P? A food magazine, naturally!

From her concerts! Enrique Iglesias pulled out prematurely from Britney Spears' concerts. Lindsay Lohan evades a criminal charge. Denise Richards needs extra protection from Charlie Sheen. Wednesday gossip can't handle the truth.

Remember to include the Unilever corporation on your Christmas card list this year, ladies: without their groundbreaking research, you wouldn't know enough to be publicly concerned about the hideousness of your armpit region.

This busy showbiz star was caught making out with a woman. Is he cheating on his girlfriend or just further dispelling the gay rumors? There might be some confusion about who fathered this star's baby, and this musician wants a reality show. We'd rather see the fighting behind the cameras.

Who wants to read ancient books made of metal? Scientists, that's who! And some of them are very excited to get their hands on these particular ancient metal books, which might "be more significant than the Dead Sea Scrolls."

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia isn't just a danger to the rights of women, minorities, and the working class: He's also a danger to anyone who happens to be driving near him. Scalia "slammed into" a car on the George Washington Parkway on Tuesday, pushing it into two other cars and earning himself a $70 ticket. There's currently no word as to whether or not the justice will contest the ticket in court (and perhaps argue that nowhere in the constitution does it say you can't just rear-end whomever you'd like), but nerds will be pleased to know that Scalia, a strong originalist, was cited for "following too closely." [WaPo; Above the Law; image via AP]

Cleaner Sarah Kemp and builder George Bentley met over the internet and began a months-long email relationship before agreeing to meet up in person in London. Whereupon the couple discovered that they were long-lost siblings.

Attention, data nerds! Numbers from the 2010 Census are being released, which means it's time to start crunching numbers and making colorful maps. New Geography has a bunch, including these two showing the concentrations of black and Hispanic respondents, respectively. Multiply the numbers in the legend by 100 to get the population percentages. [New Geography via Sociological Images]

Life is hard for former Real World cast member and current Wisconsin congressman Sean Duffy. Even with a $174,000 salary—three times the median Wisconsin income—the poor guy "struggles" to pay his bills. He drives a used minivan!

A seven-year-old girl in Germany discovered seven-foot boa constrictor in her toilet, according to police. The snake was likely a former pet that had escaped into the sewer system; animal control officers apparently snapped the above photo before it slithered off to make more psychologists in the future very rich. The girl is, as far as we know, safe. The takeaway from this story (and a similar one from the Bronx last year) is: Always look in the toilet bowl before you sit down. [German Herald; AFP via The Daily What]