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This morning on Fox News's idiot conspiracy bunker variety hour, the pulsating nerve sacks were talking with veteran soap opera actress Susan Lucci. What were they most curious about? All those soap opera kisses of course! So they asked Susan for a tutorial.

And who was Susan forced to practice on? Only the worst person on Fox News before noon, Brian Kilmeade. Imagine making out with a slime-covered potato that hates brown people and that's what making out with Kilmeade must be like, only worse. But Susan, ever the professional, pulled off the horrifying act with aplomb. Of course after taping stopped she ran off stage screaming and clutching her face, begging for the burning to stop, but we didn't see that part. On air she remained a pro. Kilmeade, for his part, licked his horrid slimy lips and Gretchen was like "Is that a golf pencil in your pants or are you just disgusting?" and Brian started crying mustard tears and said "I'm just disgusting." Typical day on Fox & Friends!