A pristine Google results page is the season's must-have online accessory. "Online reputation managers" offer to scrub your internet footprint of revealing pictures or embarrassing blog posts—for a hefty price. We are entering a brave new world of social media status differentiation!

Everyone knows people who buy designer clothes are shallow assholes. But it looks like everyone is a shallow asshole. People apparently hold other people in higher regard simply if they're wearing clothes with a designer label.

Don't you hate when you're an omnitalented actor/poet/artist/rebel sex god and The Man forces you to conform to his close-minded ideals? Squares who worship the dollar as their only God have forced James Franco to shut down his Twitter account.

Rebecca Black's "Friday" is so terrible that… her mom and the production company that made the song and video are fighting over it. A "Friday" legal battle is brewing, and it's not about who should be sent to Music Prison over the song.

Catfish is a pretty interesting documentary about a guy who found out that someone he was talking to on the Internet wasn't who he thought she was. (Gasp!) Now MTV is developing a pilot focused on "social network users who purposely misidentify themselves and the repercussions that occur." So, it's the MTV version of that famous New Yorker cartoon with the dog.

This week there are no movies coming out. April Fool's! There are lots of movies coming out! Movies about a creepy animated Easter Bunny, some sad adult superheroes, sexy gun-shooting criminals, and a murderous rubber tire. Seriously on that last one. No fooling.

Google CEO Eric Schmidt once famously proclaimed that today's kids might all need to change their names to escape their embarrassing Internet trail. What about tech CEOs? A new book reveals Schmidt tried, and failed, to scrub his own Google results.

The beefy young man who got caught on camera having sex on the roof of a building at USC is so ashamed he's apparently gone into hiding. Come on, buddy, now's your moment!

Charges for Lindsay Lohan's alleged assault of a Betty Ford Center employee Dawn Holland have been dropped, and now we've been treated to audio from the 911 call that started the mess. Turns out Lindsay called the cops because she was scared of Dawn.

Running for president is perhaps the most surefire way to destroy your family life and depress your close relatives forever. Just imagine if your spouse came in and said, "I've decided I want to run for president." Does anyone ever react positively to this announcement? "Oh great THANKS A LOT, FUCKO," seems like the appropriate response. Because within 24 hours, the national news will find and play that S&M porno you shot in college, on repeat. "Does America want a president," the news anchor will say, "whose spouse is a whore?"

From the Products We Don't Need file comes Metro Mitt, a little plastic bag for you to put over your hands while holding the pole in the subway. It's supposed to make your commute more sanitary. God, this thing is stupid.

Here's a charmer from Courtney Love's video channel for recovery website TheFix.com: Answering a fan's question about how long she has been sober, Courtney goes on a ramble about the time she saved Kelly Osbourne's life, and it was just like the movie Pulp Fiction.

Even when Democrats' fortunes tumble spectacularly in the short-term, the party can always remind itself that national demographic trends favor them in the end. Many, many old white people will die soon enough. This generation's youth voters are lopsidedly liberal. Meanwhile, Hispanics — who've voted strongly for Democrats in the last two elections after mainstream Republican rhetoric took a sharply nativist turn in 2007 — will occupy a larger and ever growing percentage of the American population. Throw in reliable support from 80-90% of African Americans, and the Democratic party could be dominant in the not-too-distant future.

Yesterday I remarked how sad I was Jersey Shore was over for the season and someone replied, "No, there's still the reunion." Screw that. The only thing worse than your favorite reality show being off the air is the inane reunion special.

Sublime television clown Donald Trump's pretend presidential candidacy is chugging along splendidly as it rains gold, laughs, and a deeper appreciation for the surreal across this great nation. It's fun to write about, it's chilling to read about, and it's lucrative for Donald Trump. His Celebrity Apprentice ratings are up, he's getting more headlines than any other "real" GOP presidential contenders, and now he's landed another television gig. This why he's running a pretend presidential campaign, of course, and the con should keep bearing fruit until he suddenly "drops out" of the race to spend more time with his latest family, during sweeps week.

The ax fell twice on American Idol last night, whittling our bruised and bloody band of sing babies down to an uneven nine. Of course, they couldn't let the two fallen contestants slip quickly and quietly away. No, first they had to chew the scenery a bit with even more side acts than usual. The time of the single group number is over and now the Idol hopefuls are being broken down into groups of twos, threes and fours to sing and, presumably, breed.

It's 1911 on YouTube! That's YouTube's April Fool's gag—push a little "1911" button on the screen, and you get an old-timey version of your video, complete with a piano-roll soundtrack. This joke is not appropriate for all videos.

Pants are too droopy, no one dresses up anymore, boys are dressed like girls, girls are dressed with boys. No, these aren't the latest posts on the Things Old People Like To Complain About Tumblr page. They're the complaints gossip dowager Cindy Adams included in a screed about Manhattan street style today:

Mille Brown is the Jackson Pollock of acid reflux. She's a performance artist who drinks colored milk, then vomits it, then sells whatever she vomits onto. Brown started vomiting rainbows in 2007, allowing herself to dribble colorful upchuck down the front of her shirts, then selling the shirts; she has since progressed to vomiting onto white canvases, which provide "more longevity" and "room to experiment with pattern and color." The above video depicts a 2010 performance for Nick Knight's ShowSTUDIO.com. The website lists the resulting canvas, "Nexus Vomitus," for sale at £1500, or $2400. [ShowSTUDIO via Buzzfeed]

Several U.N. workers were killed Friday in the northern Afghan city of Mazar-i-Sharif. Reports indicate that a demonstration against the burning of a Quran by American pastors turned violent. There are conflicting reports about the number of people killed, and a U.N. spokesperson has issued a statement confirming the attack, while calling the incident "still confusing."