Chorus boy-hobbling megamusical/bottomless comedy font Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark is back from a months-long hiatus, and great news: It's fully retooled!

On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert had one major complaint: The media won't talk about anything other than Osama bin Laden! After lamenting the fact that "the TV people won't let [him]" focus on anything else, Colbert gathered his thoughts long enough to bring us up to speed on a few of the stories currently trending online—including the nude pictures of Kate Middleton's brother—before making a few confessions of his own.

Yellow Pages. I cannot throw those things in the recycle bin fast enough. And yet they keep coming! When was the last time you actually used one, and what did you use it for? As makeshift booster seats for your child's third birthday party? Under-sweater bulletproofing for driving through rough neighborhoods? All-purpose instruments of blunt force trauma? Hey, Yellow Pages: 1983 called. They would have called sooner, but they had to use a Yellow Pages to find your number! You get the point. I hate Yellow Pages. But I love Seattle, for being the first city in the country to actually take active measures to get rid of them.

On the night Republican presidential contenders duked it out in South Carolina, Jon Stewart opened The Daily Show with a segment about Sarah Palin and Donald Trump, two potential GOP candidates who didn't take part in the debate. So what are "the Tom Arnold and Roseanne Barr of the Republican field" up to? Stewart explains.

When Jennifer Lopez signed on to judge this season of American Idol, many wondered why a star of her caliber would sit on the panel of a talent competition. Her performance of "On the Floor" on tonight's live results show answers that question.

An ongoing fight between Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei has taken a turn for the weird, as several of the president's closest advisers have been arrested and charged with being "magicians" and invoking djinns, or spirits.

Five Republicans — Herman Cain, Tim Pawlenty, Rick Santorum, Gary Johnson, and Ron Paul — are debating political stuff in South Carolina at tonight's First Republican Presidential Debate. Where are the "good candidates," you ask? They're busy, doing anything else. But that's no matter; The Pizza Man and Anal Leakage don't need Mitt Romney's help to put on a show. Let's record all the slaps in this Palmetto Punchout, right here. Turn on the Fox News Channel, now!

The Wall Street Journal is trying to make a play for whistleblowers with its very own Wikileaks clone, SafeHouse. But SafeHouse is the opposite of safe, thanks to basic security flaws and fine print that lets the Journal rat on leakers.

After ditching his jockey, jump-racing horse Banna Strand proved to be a little too good at leaping over tall barriers when he leaped over an 8-foot fence and landed in a crowd of spectators at the Warrnambool May Racing Carnival in Victoria, Australia.

Our slutty sister site Fleshbot published some shirtless (and pantless!) photos of Kate Middleton's sexy younger brother, James, earlier this week. Then they got some emails from a lawyer demanding Fleshbot take the images down. But it wasn't a real lawyer, it turns out. It seems it was James pretending to be a lawyer.

A great male hope from the late '90s/early '00s just landed a pivotal role in a sure-to-be-big movie. Also today: your real estate dreams could come true, Simon Cowell has a new coworker, and let's look at the boys of the new X-Men.

New York City police officers tackled and took away for questioning a "suspicious man" outside Ground Zero today, where President Obama was leading a wreath-laying ceremony. The man was walking his bike towards the World Trade Center area and saying, "Secret Service, Secret Service coming through," after which cops tackled him and searched through his messenger bag. And according to the New Jersey Star-Ledger, "witnesses say may have pulled a gun out of a backpack as President Barack Obama's motorcade passed."

When no treatments would work to cure his 2-year-old son Cash's brain tumor, Mike Hyde did something drastic: he gave the kid a dose of cannabis oil. Initially it was to get him to start eating again. That worked and now Cash is cancer-free.

David Koch, the right-wing billionaire who funds much of the Republican party's ideological activities and whose towering persona makes for effective left-wing performance art, gave a rare public comment to New York magazine at some gala or another last night. Does he think the president deserves any credit for the Osama bin Laden mission? Of course not! Socialists don't deserve a farthing's worth of credit for anything.

A Pakistani woman with a Burberry purse photographed her daughter beside the gate to Osama bin Laden's Abbottabad compound today. An Associated Press photographer captured the moment.

Most of us store our multitude of passwords and usernames in random emails we send to ourselves, or on used cocktail napkins. But some people use fancy password managers to organize their logins, and they think they're so smart. But what happens when hackers steal the password to your password manager?

Those geniuses at the website Alien Loves Predator created this rad map of film icons and where they were filmed loving (or destroying) New York. There are apparently 91 movie references on the map. Think you can spot them all?

Some considered President Obama's decision to release his birth certificate last week a fool's errand, since those who didn't think he was born in the United States wouldn't ever respond to more definitive evidence. It still may have been a silly argument to engage — that press conference of him showing his papers will always seem beyond surreal, if not plain depressing. But now a whole 70 percent of Americans believe he was born in Hawaii! You know what that means: This issue is coming dangerously close to something that we'll never have to write about again.

Animal Planet is launching the feline version of The Dog Whisperer, called My Cat from Hell. The differences between these two TV shows perfectly encapsulate the differences between dogs and cats.

Here's President Obama's relatively subdued appearance at Ground Zero, where he laid a wreath to honor the victims of 9/11 and then chatted up a nice police officer. No soaring speeches today, it seems. Before the ceremony he stopped at a local firehouse, and now he's meeting privately with 9/11 victims' families.